Rangelife

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 74

Big thanks to the three friends who forwarded this story to me. This one is called "The Saddest Man in the World."

And it starts with a woman who caused a two-car collision in the Florida Keys.

As authorities nationwide warn motorists of the dangers of driving while texting, Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don't try to shave your privates, either.

Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area...

OK, I'm gonna stop right there and let that sink in for a second. For years, women drivers have had to fight stereotypical accusations of primping while driving. And yet this woman chose to piss all over two generations of feminist progress by trimming her va-jay on US-1.

And this is where it turns into "The Saddest Man in the World."

...a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.

"She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit," Trooper Gary Dunick said.

Yes, sir. The ex-husband took the wheel so his ex-wife could make her poon presentable for her boyfriend.

I don't care how badly you need that ride. This is not manly behavior. He should just live out his pathetic remaining years as a castrato.

And since this is FPOTN, it only gets better/worse:

If that weren't enough, Megan Mariah Barnes was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road.

The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver's license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months' probation...

(High-pitched vibrato.) "Fuuuuuuuuuuucked."

Barnes allegedly drove another half-mile, then switched seats with Judy [the ex-husband], who allegedly claimed to be driving, Annunziato said.

"She jumps in the back seat and he moves over," [state Trooper] Dunick said. "It was like the old comedy bit, 'Who's on first?' "

That's not really anything like "Who's on first?" but Trooper Dunick gets a pass because cops are never funny.

So not only did the ex-husband agree to aid and abet this woman's pubic maintenance for her tryst with another man, he then tried to take the fall for her? SAD SAD SAD.

"My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, and I know there's a funny side to this, but it's also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this," Dunick said. "It is unbelievable. I'm really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys."

The Keys: The proud heart of the Pride of the Nation.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 73

I, for one, welcome our new Tampa Municipal Overlords.

 

Among the many angina attacks suffered by the Right-Wing-osphere since the election of that guy has been that guy's tendency to bow upon greeting people.

First, there was the bow to Saudi King Abdullah, a "shocking display of fealty to a foreign potentate." Next, was the "ignorant and treasonous" bow to Japan's Emperor Akihito, which was just more evidence that "our exceptional status is a sign of arrogance to him. Obama believes that no nation should claim to be better than another - all nations should practice global equity."

So when last week, the President bowed to the mayor of Tampa (see video), right wing bloggers looked deep within their souls and burst forth with reflection and reconciliation.

"You know," they all wrote in unitary cross-posting, "maybe we misjudged BHO. Maybe he doesn't hate America after all. He hasn't cut the military budgets or made any real moves to kill the empire. Maybe all this bowing isn't evidence of subservience to the New World Order, but rather evidence that he likes to greet people politely. After all, what else could a bow to the Mayor of Tampa mean?"

Actually, they just called it "weird."

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 72

Florida wasn't always home to The Mouse.

Walt Disney planting a theme park in the middle of the state did more than Henry Flagler running the railroad to Miami. Disney World arguably created the very concept of the winter vacation for the middle class, and millions of those visitors came back to live in Ponzi State.

Florida is only Pride of the Nation because of the vision of Walt Disney, and the quasi-cultural megacorporation he created.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, part 71

Kids, remember when the scariest animals in Florida was the cute widdle awigator and the adowable Fwowida panther?

Much as young Cubans and Central Americans supplanted old Jews and rednecks in Dade County, Florida's swampland has been overrun with Asian immigrants -- Burmese pythons. These giant carnivores have taken such total ownership of the local food chain that the Feds are getting ready to authorize a mass slaughter of them this winter, when the Glades typically dry out. 

This is a real horror film for the Sunshine State. Last June, a python that was inexplicably being kept as a pet killed a 2-year-old in a Florida home. Imported as exotic pets, the pythons got loose in the Glades and started breeding. Now an estimated 150,000 of them roam the state.

Oh, but it gets worse. Did I mention this was like a horror film?

Hybrid man-eating pythons? Florida on alert

In an case of real life imitating Hollywood, the US scientific community is increasingly concerned that two nonnative python breeds currently slithering free in south Florida could morph into a giant man-eating swamp coil.

The capture of five African rock pythons recently near an Everglades already teeming with the gentler Burmese pythons has scientists worried about so-called "hybrid vigor" – a phenomenon that occurs when interbreeding uncorks volatile recessive genes, passing traits such as aggression onto the offspring. Think Africanized bees.

First of all, gentler Burmese pythons? Remember the docile creature that exploded from trying to swallow a gator?

The two species have interbred in captivity. While Burmese pythons aren't known to eat people in their native habitat, the African rock python, unfortunately, has been known to do just that.

The rock python "is mean right out of the egg, and they don't ever tame down," says Kenneth Krysko, a senior biologist at the Florida Museum of Natural History.

Oh shit.

***

But hybrid man-eating pythons are still theoretical. You know what's not theoretical? Men who steal horses and slaughter them for meat. Not out in the boonies, mind you. In Miami.

Police and animal rights advocates believe the slaughters may be sparked by the exorbitant asking price for horse meat in that part of the country...

The latest horse to be mutilated was a 4 1/2-year-old racehorse named Kristi, found in it's Miami Gardens, Fla., stall, her throat slit and back legs removed, according to the Miami Herald...

The Herald also reported that the Miami Gardens police were in contact with authorities in Miami-Dade County, where more than a dozen horses have been killed since January. In what has seemed like scenes right out of a Wes Craven horror movie -- the equine version -- horses have been killed in that time, some even hacked alive while the butcher did his work, their carcasses strewn along roads and farms.

I'm not one of these "don't eat cute animals" types. If they're dumber than people, they can all be roasted and cured, as far as I'm concerned.

But... ech.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 70; License Plates of the Damned, Part 10

How do you sneak filth past the license plate Nazis?

By being brilliant.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 69

Part 69 of our infinite-part series should obviously be something salacious.

OK, here it is: Florida is "running naked," by which I mean operating without adequate disaster insurance. But it's cool; Governor Crist asked God to give it a rest.

Hurricanes hardly ever happen in Florida, at least since Katrina and Wilma gave the Sunshine State a double wallop back in 2005. And now we know why. Town Hall reports that Gov. Charlie Crist, who is campaigning for the U.S. Senate, told a group of real estate agents about a prayer note he put in the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem in 2007.

Crist’s note read: "Dear God, please protect our Florida from storms and other difficulties. Charlie."

So far, so good.

During Crist’s tenure the largest home insurer, State Farm, is leaving Florida. The Sunshine State is undercapitalized by at least $8 billion if the proverbial Big One hits, leaving taxpayers and bondholders on the hook for insured losses.

Some say Crist has been lucky, while others believe he does have God on his side. But one thing is clear. The Crist/Creator model is being exported to other states, and could possibly go national.

Excellent idea. And given that one out of eight mortgages in Florida is already in foreclosure, a big storm could be the best solution to the state's housing inventory overhang.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 68

If there's one thing people think about when they hear the word "Florida," it's education. Florida's universities are the state's crown jewels.

And none of those jewels shine quite so bright as Florida State University, which is known for its academic innovation. For example, my cousin got a bachelor's there in the '90s without ever writing a paper. Did your college offer such pedagogical creativity? I thought not.

But if FSU -- alma mater to such intellectual beacons as Burt Reynolds, Richard Simmons, the late Paul "You mess with the bull, you get the horns" Gleason, and Scott Stapp from Creed -- really wants to get noticed (now that their football program blows), they're gonna have to do something really far out.

Oh look, here comes T-Pain.

Will FSU go from T.K. to T-Pain?

The search for a new president at Florida State University has barely begun, but there's a campaign under way to replace T.K. Wetherell with rap star T-Pain.

First problem, T-Pain isn't a rapper. But he's black and sings behind an Auto-Tune on the radio, so I guess that's close enough.

Called T-Pain For FSU Prez — with nifty T-shirts to promote the cause — the campaign was started last week by FSU graduate student Justin de la Cruz. It quickly expanded to a Facebook group that has more than 1,100 members, including the wife and sister of Tallahassee native T-Pain.

T-Pain, whose real name is Faheem Rasheed Najm, has endorsed the campaign via Twitter and his own Facebook page.

"Right when I saw TK was resigning," de la Cruz said, "I thought I'd try and get some alternative ideas of people for president — not that this is the perfect candidate or anything.

Oh, Justin. You're underselling. How about you make a business case?

"They're looking for someone who can make a lot of money, and T-Pain makes a lot of money."

SOLD!

The "pain" theme plays a prominent role in the "cam-pain." It calls for the rapper to create a College of Hip Hop at FSU, and claims that as FSU president T-Pain will replace the water in all of the fountains on campus with "cham-pain."

This is amazing. As if FSU wasn't already enough like a music video.

Wetherell, who announced his resignation in June and is staying on as FSU president until a replacement is hired, wasn't aware Wednesday of the student-originated campaign for T-Pain.

"I'm more a Toby Keith, Johnny Cash guy," Wetherell said. "I don't know what a T-Pain is. Can he lobby the Legislature? That's all I want to know."

I can't wait to hear the rhyming couplet with "lobby the lezhhhh." Throw up the wedge? Saute a veg? Golly geez, my freestylin' is rusty, dusty, like LiLo is busty.

***

It's Shark Week on Discovery Channel. But downtown Miami got a head start a few weeks ago.

It sounds like an ill-conceived pitch for a Hollywood B-movie: Shark on a train.

But that misbegotten premise was all too real for some downtown commuters Monday night when the Metromover doors opened at Bayfront Park and they were forced to sidestep a listless six-foot nurse shark. 

"The door opened and the shark was sitting by the front of the door,'' said Mae Singerman, a 24-year-old musician who was practicing for a show on the Metromover platform. "I didn't see a reason to call police... It's Miami. Stranger things have happened. The doors shut, and then we forgot about it."

Long story short, two men get a hold of a nurse shark, and lug it around Miami on foot trying to sell it.

Good luck with that.

Casablanca Seafood Fish Market owner Jorge Sanchez was unimpressed with the walk-in offering. "It was full of flies,'' he said. "It was still alive. It was dry.''

The men claimed the shark weighed nearly 90 pounds. Asking price: $10.

"I do buy shark,'' Sanchez said, "not this kind of crazy stuff.''

Well, that's a relief.

So, if you couldn't unload a barely-alive shark, what would you do?

The would-be shark salesmen apparently gave up Monday night and dumped their unusual catch near the intersection of Northwest Fifth Avenue near Fourth Street in Overtown. The next morning, workers at a nearby body shop spotted the now-very-dead shark in the street and tried to dispose of it.

'When the garbage is coming, we tell them, pick it up,'' said Eduardo Perez, who works at the shop. "They tell me no. All day long the shark was there... This was only in Miami.''

Indeed.

***

Finally, you gotta hand it Keith Griffin of Jensen Beach. Every other man who gets busted with kiddie porn claims he was doing "research" for a book or a movie role. Mr. Griffin had a much more reasonable excuse:

Keith R. Griffin was charged Wednesday with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 child pornographic images on his computer, according to a news release.

Griffin told detectives he would leave his computer on and his cat would jump on the keyboard. When he returned, there would be strange material downloaded, the release states.    

Great. Now every time they move, the cat is going to have to introduce itself to the neighbors.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 67

The pythons have conquered Florida. And there's nothing anyone can do about it.

As we reported almost three years ago, Burmese pythons are just owning the Everglades. They are tougher and meaner than alligators, the Glades' traditional food chain champions, and they've found the South Florida climate to be just about perfect. In 2006, rangers came up with a plan to implant female pythons with radio transmitters, and then have a trained beagle sniff out their nesting lairs. So much for that plan.

Sen. Nelson calls for python hunt in Everglades

Sen. Bill Nelson (D., Fla.) is calling for a “massive python kill” in the Everglades this winter, using Park Service agents, their deputies, or yes, possibly… volunteers.

The senator has written to his former colleague [and known costume fetishist] Ken Salazar, now secretary of the Interior, to ask him to authorize a formal snake hunt later this year. “We need to get a grip on pythons invading America’s Everglades,” Nelson says in the letter. “They are threatening endangered wildlife there - and, Lord forbid, a visitor in the Everglades ever encounters one.”

Lord forbid, indeed!

More scary facts from the senator’s office: an estimated 100,000 of the snakes are currently slithering through the Everglades National Park, where they may be winning an “evolutionary battle down there with alligators.” Nelson spokesman Dan McLaughlin said that “without some drastic steps being taken to eradicate them the problem could become exponentially worse.”

That's a snake for every 180 Floridians. Git yer guns!

Above, WTVJ reports that the state has already begun issuing python hunting permits. Hunters will be able to eat or sell the meat. Mmmmmmm.

***

For another quick dose of glorious Floridaliciousness, may I suggest this spot-on 2007 post about Driving in Miami? Learning to drive there gave my friends and me a deeply warped perspective on "normal." For example, here's a primer on "The Miami Left" (which would also be a superb band name):

In most normal cities, it is generally understood that when a light turns red, it means “stop.” In Miami, however, it means “Three More Cars.” Sometimes four, depending on traffic. This, however, only applies to cars turning left. So say you are creeping out into the intersection to try and make a left, no less than two cars will inch up directly behind you waiting for the light to change so they go thorugh too. When you approach any intersection, you should pull out as far as possible so as to allow as many cars as can fit to tailgate behind you through the red. This is what passes as common courtesy in Miami.

This law does NOT, however, apply to motorists attempting to go straight through an intersection.

Also, everyone driving after midnight is drunk. True story: In the '80s an FHP officer set a record for catching DUIs. His tell-tale sign to pull someone over was seeing them using their turn signals, a rare event in South Florida. When a guy who was pinched for operating his vehicle under the influence of many rums & cokes challenged his arrest in court, a judge ruled that, yes, in Dade County using a turn signal is acceptable probable cause of impairment.

And this is why I recommend all visitors to Miami rely on taxis.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 66

Growing up in Miami, I hated Jose Canseco.

In the late '80s Canseco's popularity in South Florida was probably second only to Gloria Estefan. He was, after all, a Cuban immigrant who went from Coral Park High to the Big Leagues. In '86, he won the AL's Rookie of the Year award while playing for the Oakland A's, and two years later became Major League Baseball's first ever 40/40 man.

South Florida went nuts for Jose. They named streets after him. The biggest assholes on my school bus declared him to be God. They all effectively ignored that he represented both all that was wrong with the '80s and all that was wrong with his hometown.

Jose was, without dispute, a huge dick. He endangered the community he claimed to love by piloting his Jaguar around it at 120 mph. He went on Arsenio and spent five minutes listing his accomplishments and making his case for historic greatness. He made an egomaniacal ass of himself everywhere he went.

It's been a pleasure to see his decline and fall over the past decade, including his blowing out his arm attempting to pitch, his much-mocked batshit advocacy for 'roiding, his brutal divorce, his foreclosure, and now this:

Canseco lasted just 77 seconds against the gigantic Hong Man Choi. And so ends his MMA career.

Granted, Hong Man Choi is a mean mofo. But, more importantly, so is karma.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 65

Young Jim Morrison was dinged by Florida State University because FSU couldn't make enough room for him.

What a tragedy. Just think of what Jim could have accomplished with that degree.