rangelife

I Wish the Year 2000 Were Still the Future

"Sound of silver, talk to me
Makes you want to feel like a teenager
Then you remember the feelings of
A real-life emotional teenager
Then you think again"
--LCD Soundsystem, "Sound of Silver," 2007

You ever have one of those moments of hopeless modern ennui when you wonder what the hell you were so moody about when you were a kid? I get that way whenever I read the news.

Well, WTF were we so moody about in the '90s? It was a killer decade. Is it too soon for nostalgia? For Chrissake, all I want is a Shady Lane.

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OK, let's go back a little further. To elementary school. Reworked Atari box art.

(via Bullshit)

And... Little Brother vs. the Atari 2600

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Finally, let's bring in the weekend with the best Canadian rap track I've heard... ever. "Fourth Biggest City" by that kid Famous. It's got a fantastic 1994-style vibe. It's the Goodfellas of Canadian rap videos. Worth repeated viewings.

Represent Toronto, Famous! Represent!

The USA Demands Sword Control

I've already bitched about the proliferation of swords in our already-violent country. These swords do not designate anyone as King, nor are they plus-anything against orcs or unicorns (Gygax, RIP). These swords are rarely used for good.

Sword nuts: I know you're thinking, "Hey! Swords don't kill people. Ninja assassins kill people. Besides, have you heard of a little thing called the Second Amendment?"

Well, fuck that. We don't need white trash heroes trying to go all Ghost Dog with a blade. Because when a man can't even watch ultra-violent pornography at top volume without facing the misdirected steel justice of his redneck neighbor, then our society is no longer free.

Bathe in the Bloody Offal of Tax Analysts

Headline of the day:

I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass

Actual questions currently being asked on Yahoo! Answers:

* What are collages like in the uk?
* Does anyone know where the yettie is ??
* Hitler was terrible wat are your thoughts about him?
* Do you ever get the feeling that most people are walking around like zombies or are you one too?

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Stills from They Live, 1988's best movie for boys who were born in 1973.

I'll take a magnum of Obey And Conform, please.

Not really such a stretch, is it?

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The Triumph of Bullshit: Maybe my favorite blog ever.

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Not freebasing cocaine anymore, pretty much:

...and I'm all out of bubblegum.

Quick: How Many Days in a One-Day Sale?

Don't say beer didn't ever do anything for you.

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My Friday Chron came wrapped in this riddle, which the world's leading mathematicians are still struggling to solve.

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Behold! The miracle of birth! When your Colgate says it's coming with something free, that means that it's coming with its own box.

Don't Not Be Evil

Google's famously touts its unorthodox corporate motto: "Don't be evil." Reminds me of a little anecdote...

"He also forced everyone, small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead so that no one could buy or sell unless he had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom. If anyone has insight, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is man's number. His number is 666." (Rev. 13:16-18).

The number of the beast... 666... Google's closing stock price today.

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And the Mark of the Beast...

Ready to stop Googling yet? Heathen.

Ann Coulter Reveals Herself

Do you hear the angels singing? Ann's hanging it up.

The text, it reads:

An Open Letter to Readers
by Ann Coulter
October 15, 2007

Dear Readers,

I've been participating in a charade for nearly eleven years, now. Quite frankly, I'm sick of it. You have all been a part of a sick joke that I began considering shortly after first getting on the air. At first, it was quite interesting to see how people would react when I would use twisted logic and poorly masked bigotry.

But eleven years is a long time to be living a fake life, and I can no longer tolerate this falsity. Even someone as fake as I tires out eventually.

Here's the truth, I don't care what people believe. Jews don't need to be "made perfect" as I so arrogantly proclaimed to Editor & Publisher not a half week ago. I don't even care if people are Muslim. Granted, I don't know much about the religion or the people, but they are people. This is something that we cannot forget, they are in an abhorrent situation. These people are in need of education. Perhaps if we did not participate in causing them misery, they would not hate us so.

In fact, does it really matter whether we are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Atheist, or even Pagan? We are one nation. One. We should not let petty differences separate us, we are all American, and should act in that manner.

And with that, my precious viewers, I bid you adieu. My career as a media figurehead is over.

Signed,

Ann Coulter

P.S. - Oh, and Bill O'Reilly is also just acting.

Ann must have the same web admin as the Young America's Foundation.

Herm Edwards is Not Reading This

Herm Edwards (nincompoopish KC Chiefs head coach) on a diss rap allegedly recorded by Larry Johnson:

"Here's the concern -- in our society now, so many things come up on Web sites and Internet," Edwards said. "First of all, I don't even have the Internet. I wouldn't even know how to use it."

Having watched HBO's Hard Knocks this season, Herm's inability to use the Innernets seems about as surprising as Britney Spears not being able to read a soup can. Here's a hint, Herm: The Internet is not like a dump truck. It's a series of tubes.

And thank you for validating my "pick against Herm" strategy in this season's suicide pool.

(Word to Football Outsiders for the find.)

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The most brutal, dastardly bench-clearing brawl in baseball history:

I'm sorry, did I miss the flash mob memo?

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The world's deadliest beer

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You want to hang up your clothes to dry? Get out my neighborhood, hippie!

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OOPS!

Via Valleywag.

License Plates of the Damned, Part 4

There's an urban legend about an elderly Arizonan named Annie, whose job it is to protect the nation from nasty vanity plates. She's skilled in sussing out Bumper Stumper-style messages, and her command of offensive words transcends nation and culture.

Annie, obviously, is dead.

Yes, FAGELAH. Spotted at the intersection of Arlington and Wilder, SF.

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Why Mike Ditka is really such a legend in Chicago.

Barry Bonds Brady Bret Bon Jovi Barf-o-Rama

Lest you thought everyone in SF had their lips all over Barry Bonds pumped rump.

"Giants Going to the World Series

"That's right, your San Francisco Giants are going to the World Series.

"All they have to do first is get rid of Barry Bonds & his $16 million contract... then the Giants will be free from the curse placed on them by the Baseball Gods for harboring the biggest disgrace in baseball history!

"BoycottBarry.com"

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Video: Brady Quinn appears on stage with Poison.

1. Brady Quinn needs to muscle-pose for pictures like Lindsay Lohan needs to sleep with Tom Sizemore. I swear to God, I hope Brady Quinn doesn't read the Internet. Cuz if he does, he is going to the first athlete in history to self-destruct purely based on digital gay-baiting.

2. That video: WTF are all those people doing at a Poison concert?

News flash: Hair metal is not good. Yes, it's fun to nostalgize dreck like Cinderella and Motley Crue (kids: this was the band that Tommy Lee drummed for before his diseased genitals made the A-list). But we shan't forget that hair metal was essentially goat crap in a sweet candy shell. Rock in the '80s  -- nestled between the punk and grunge eras -- was like the NBA after the '92 Dream Team players retired. Maybe you had a crush on Tracy McGrady, but did you really ever think he was Magic Johnson?

We need to correct this nostalgia for garbage. Maybe we can start by not referring to Jon Bon Jovi as a "rock legend." Bon Jovi is not Springsteen. "Bad Medicine" is not "Born to Run." Bon Jovi was a fun pop band with a faux-metal look. When Guns 'N Roses and Nirvana slaughtered the whole hair metal genre, Bon Jovi dropped the glammy image, and being so poppy and edgeless, they could easily remain the soft-rock band their aging fans remembered.

But Poison's songs were especially, undeniably awful in retrospect -- "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" passed for a sober ballad, and a cover of "Your Mama Don't Dance and Your Daddy Don't Rock 'n Roll" passed for an uptempo party anthem.

Remember, hair metal sucked. It still does. It's only appropriate to appreciated it as ironic novelty, like watching an episode of Full House. Hey, what's Brady Quinn doing to Dave Coulier?

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Elsewhere:

* You just keep pushing Supervisor Ed Jew's great service over the borderline

* Transgendered Larry King

* Comic sans pogrom

* Babies are liars

* Sesame Street: too scary for kids? Tina Fey was on Conan a couple months talking about how she had decided not to show her DVD of old Sesame Street episodes to her kid. "It's full of all these outdated sensibilities like [singing] 'Let's go into the stranger's house.'"

* Whole Foods CEO anonymously pimps his own stock, haircut

* Great Britain: We did not attack Basra with monstrous badgers. "It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey."

* 17 of the Fortune 500 are losing money

* iPhone in a blender. I'm surprised how long the screen stayed lit.