rangelife

Have I Ever Shown You My Shattered Dreams Box?

It's upstairs in my disappointment closet.

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Hey, Citibank? If you want to survive this credit crunch intact, how about you stop mailing credit card offers to my 17-month-old daughter?

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I don't know what the hell "DVNO" means, but this video is The Boss. All those fancy logos manifesting in outer space -- it's like watching cable in '85. What time does "You Can't Do That on Television" come on?

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Rick Astley on being Rickroll'd: "That's what's brilliant about the Internet."

Meanwhile, Sangha is selling a shrimp and avocado roll and calling it, yes, a Ric roll.

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Hey, have you seen the video of Antonin Scalia soliciting a male prostitute?

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And then there's Garfield mindfreaking Jon.

Hello, Jews. Here's Your Wikiality and Other News for You Jews

Good evening, Jews. At some point this week, please take a break from your savage war-mongering, savoring your murder of our Lord, and bogarting Malibu real estate, and check out these fine, fine links.

Wait a sec: Are you a Jew?

"In Texas, the word 'Jewish' is pronounced as one syllable: 'I done heard he's Jewsh.' But the word 'Jew' is like seven syllables: 'I done heard she married a Jeewewewewww.'" -- Kinky Friedman

Oh yes, the stuff. Where's my fucking Vicodin?

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Stephen Colbert : Wikipedia :: Jon Stewart : Crossfire. Watch for Wikipedia and Paul Begala's new show on MSNBC next year.

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Nick Saban skips dinner with President Bush. Training camp is apparently no time to take a vacation. (Hint, hint.)

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Reports of Derek Jeter's heterosexuality have been greatly exaggerated.

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Finally, a digital camera for our best friends who are black.

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Heroic new chief of PBS flashes the middle finger at the FCC and religious totalitarians. Kinda.

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The five worst actors on cable TV. Amen.

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Okay, Jews, the ball's in your Jewish court. Since you people all go to the movies on Christmas anyway, go see Apocalypto. You're not in this one.

XOXOXO, Mel

P.S.: Only the Poor Man understands me.

Don't Ever Stop Fearing the Russians

Their houses are full of monsters and fish gore.

Gone Fishin'

Rangelife is closin' up shop for a desperately needed Hawaiian vacation. Back mid-June, unless I change my mind.

Mr. Hand, take it away:

ALOHA!

300K

300,000 page views. Thank you.

Housekeeping:

* Please help me whore by voting for Rangelife for best blog in SF Weekly's Best of SF 2006. Polls are open until Friday, May 5. Hey, prior winner Alex Blagg moved to New York, the savage. We need a new local zero.

* Over the last week or so, I've been getting search traffic for "wells fargo rjd2," a mystifyingly random phrase. I was wondering what this was all about until I saw the Wells Fargo ad on TV last night: Yes, that is RJD2's "Ghostwriter" janglin' in the background while the poor dude is trying to write some email in his family's garage. Somebody originate a fixed-rate HELOC for that man! ESPN used the same awesome, awesome track (the horn-blasty closing movement of the song) for its NBA promos this season.

* What's more delightful is that at least 2% of Rangelife's traffic comes from people searching for "nazi porn," which happens to be Chris Daly's favorite fetish not involving kangaroos or crackheads.

* Did you have a Happy Earthquake Day? Probably not as happy as this guy:

Over at the Sutter Station bar on Market Street, early-morning revelers also were in denial.

"It's an anniversary, not a disaster," said Ryan Quiel, 25, as he downed his ale.

Ale: It's not just for breakfast anymore. It's for before breakfast, too.

* Here's some new Google search material: Andrea Merkel's bare ass.

Update: Thanks to jjm for the heads up that the Sun had pulled the Chancellor's ass. The Germans are angry. In the words of Montgomery Burns: "Ooh, the Germans are mad at me. I'm so scared. The Germans!"

A Very Special Day

March 13, 2006

One year ago today, your humble Rangelife went live.

• Posts: 411, including this one (Yes, more than one a day. Um, crap.)
• Comments: 580
• Total pageviews: 239,494

A note about that traffic -- 180,000 or so of those pageviews came from very heavy linking to the Cal-prank-on-USC post. So the other 410 posts got about 60,000 pageviews.

Anyway, this has been fun. Thanks for reading and commenting. You rule.

Coming up this week: A shocking photographic report from the belly of the beast -- Calle Ocho, Miami.

Attack of the Blog

Why did it take him so damn long?

Yes, Wil O'Neal, the Berkeley kid who survived years of videogame mag drudgery to become the most dynamic performer on basic cable, the heart, soul, and diseased liver of G4's Attack of the Show, and the preacherman who marries fools in a green argyle sweater, finally has started a blog.

It oughta be sweet.

Friday Praise, Friday Shame

Friday praise to the Cal Golden Bears for defeating Stanford for a 9-3 PAC-10 record. Praise to Palo Alto's five shortest women who braved the I-880 for the sole purpose of annoying hostile Cal fans with random twirls and kicks and stumbles and white-girl shimmies. And praise to the Cal student bench, for treating the tiny ladies to the aplomb they deserved. See my back. Hear my keys.

Friday shame to plagiarists. Your soul must be stewing under six feet of rotting garbage for you to go through the trouble of starting a blog, and then just ripping words from other sites and pretending they're your own.

To wit: A sad little man named "Bytor" in Castro Valley ripped off my shit on Dec. 8, 2005.

Here's what he stole from me. He couldn' t even make up his own title.

"Bytor," by the way, has a kid now, the poor thing. Those are some solid family values you got there, Poppa Self-Esteem.

But Bytor's not just picking on me. No sir, almost his whole blog is cribbed from other Bay Area bloggers. Look what he stole from the tragically clever Wrapped Up Like a Douche. And what he stole from dear, sweet Daily Pepper. Big thanks to Canada's finest Al S.E. for uncovering this loser's shit-streak of personal failure.

And even Bytor is but the tip of the turd; it seems like half my blogroll is getting jacked this week. In fact, "Bytor" is a flailing amateur compared with "Alabama magician/stand-up comic" Christopher Peek, who tastefully chose to rip off the high-larious My Blog is Poop and Jack Kukoda and lots of other stuff, until he was busted. I wonder if Peek's still doing that hysterical "Git-R-Done" bit he crafted last fall.

Movements

Rangelife succesfully moved from its perch in the Inner Sunset to a fresh homestead in Glen Canyon. If you need a move done in San Francisco, I can't sufficiently extoll the brilliance of Delancey Street Movers. Unlike most movers, who deserve to be in prison, these guys have already done their time, so they're free to lug all your crap with sublime friendliness, efficiency, and pure professionalism. A+

And now, some horrors and happies from around this great nation:

* In Los Angeles, it costs $75 to get your anus lightened, a wonderful development for those of us cursed with dark puckers. It sounds wild and futuristic, but I guarantee you they've been doing some version of this in Brazil since the mid-1980s.

* Tomorrow night, El Jefe is going to present some destructive health care plan that's really a Trojan horse for a myopic anti-tax program that Grover Norquist farted out his hairy ass. Or least we can safely assume this is the case because, you know, it happens every got damn year.

* Finally, here's a health care plan that Michael Irvin can get behind!

* George Flammer jumps in the Bay and does a 360 before dawn. Sweet.

* The first time I heard Cindy Sheehan spout her rage and piss all over the host on a brief Talk of the Nation appearance, I knew that the anti-war crowd would regret the day they got behind her self-righteous ass. Seriously, she's like some kind of stooge planted by Karl Rove. She actually does hate America.

* Of course, the Right is still claiming that the biased MSM is "ignoring" or "censoring" Sheehan's dry-hump with a South American dictator. Right.

* Fashion finds a new way to alienate the mainstream. Yes, now you do need a PhD to get it.

* Wyoming, a place that's not exactly Saturday night in the Castro, is gaining tourism interest from fans of Brokeback Mountain (which was, like all movies, actually filmed in Canada). Hurray for Wyoming, home of Dick Cheney and now the gayest state in the west! Can't wait for the sequel, Brokeback Tuscaloosa.

Cap'n Crunch's Stomach Tumor Now on Exhibit

Good news, people of the Innernets. The millions of office workers whose corporate firewalls block out Rangelife's nigh unspeakable truths will now be able to view Cap'n Crunch's stomach tumor at the deeply disturbing Hanttula MoFA (Museum of Food Anomalies).