rangelife

A Religious Lesson, Digby Chicken Caesar, and Ellen Page's Peach Fuzz

Good Friday, to my Christian people. This is day when the Romans crucified Jesus, which is why Christians call it Good Friday. You know, like calling a bald guy "Curly" or a giant guy "Tiny." It's ironic fun.

That was today's religious lesson from a guy who's been to about eight Christian services in his lifetime.

One of those religious services was an Episcopalian Sunday in West-by-God Virginia, circa 1994. And my hosts to that service was a Republican family -- mom was running for Congress, while daughter (my college buddy) had been proudly flying the GOP flag on a sick-in-the-head campus that made Berkeley look like BYU. In some sense, I didn't blame this family for its Republicanism. In W.V., after all, the Democratic party is dominated by reformed KKKers, carpetbaggers, and corrupt mining barons. Hell, I'd be a Republican there.

But I raise this story, not just because the aforementioned college buddy has recently had the good taste to relocate to the Bay Area, but because she has decided to swallow the Bay experience whole and endorse Barack Obama, much to her own disbelief. Go, Rox, go.

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If you get BBC America, thou shalt Tivo the Season 2 premiere of That Mitchell & Webb Look tonight. America's best TV critic profiled the show this morning, and I couldn't agree more. It's the cleverest sketch program since Mr. Show.

Por ejemplo:

And that's Numberwang!

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While not as brilliant an observation as, say, AdamRiff's official font of shitty comedies, you gotta love the Hollywood protocol of listing actors' names in contractual order, no matter how the promos or posters are designed.

Por ejemplo:

Who knew Ellen Page could grow such an impressive mustache at her age?

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Speaking of Ellen Page, people keep asking me what I thought of Juno. Well, I haven't wanted to see it. Because I saw Hard Candy. When you're grinding up a guy's nuts in the garbage disposal one minute, you don't just leap to heart-warming hipster ha-has the next.

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The Assimilated Negro vs. Stuff White People Like

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Yo I need a pet lion

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And a happy Easter to everyone! This is the day when Christians commemorate Jesus coming back from the dead by... shit, something with a bunny and pink eggs and yellow marshmallows. I don't know. Hey, March Madness!

David Simon Can Kiss My Ass

I had been having such a phenomenal weekend.

Friday night I got out to my first Noise Pop show in three years, and I stayed out drinking with my buddy until 1:45am just like ye olde days. Saturday the family and I had fried chicken at our friends' house in Noe Valley. And the weather was gorgeous and sunny both days, lending itself to multiple playground trips with the kid.

And then David Simon had to fuck it all up with that episode of The Wire.

This season, the last of the Greatest Achievement in the History of Filmed Entertainment, has been perhaps the series's most unusual. Some early storylines that seemed to be leading the show astray have arced into gripping portraits of institutional failure. And the drama? Good god.

I could handle all the bullets to the head this season. Even Omar's. I moved on -- the street is the street.

But the last scene of last night's episode was a boot to the gut. Dukie -- just a kid, a product of a world that has no use for him, a world he has no means to escape -- walks away from his only friend, and into a doomed life of certain hunger, addiction, and early death.

So thanks for that, David Simon.

Shut Up. It's "Wire" Time

Last season, The Wire was good.

If that sounds a little understated, maybe it's because I previously called it "the single greatest achievement in American pop culture." That feels a little... um... hyperbolic in retrospect, but you know what? I stand by it.

Each season has played out a great theme of America's crumbling and corrupt urban core -- drug wars, the collapse of the middle class, endless reform, education. This final season (premiering tonight) will focus on the media, specifically on how market forces are hollowing out the media's ability to hold the powerful to account.

I've never been so excited to be depressed. Here's to another undefeated season.

Update: It's also Obama's favorite show.

I'm in ur skoolz, failin ur exit exams

Four wonderful things I photographed off the TV box:

1. "Can I has diploma?"

OK, kids. I know you haven't done a lot of protesting in your young lives. But you live in the East Bay; protesting should be as second nature as "hella" or ghostriding your scraper bike.

Here's the thing about protesting: you gotta work to get people to take you seriously, which means you gotta dispel all the negative expectations they have about you. If you're, say, a bunch of ex-cons protesting your inability to secure post-prison employment, it won't help your cause to gang-shank the bus driver on the way there. If you're medical marijuana advocates rallying in the alleged defense of AIDS patients, do not invite Snoop Dogg to headline.

And if you're a bunch of high school students insisting that you graduate in spite of your inability to pass the CAHSEE (California High School Exit Exam), don't write your banner like a tossed-off MySpace comment.

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2.

Oh, Dana King, tell me all about the Gay Bomb. And tell me why tonight's newscast is making me think of Electric 6?

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3.

It's been 35 years since young Kim Phuc's image shocked the planet. Badly burned when South Vietnamese planes mistakenly hit a Buddhist temple in her village, Phuc ran for her life. She later refused to participate in Vietnamese government propaganda, and as an adult she defected to Canada, where she still lives with her family and serves as a UN goodwill ambassador.

How best to recognize what this girl has become?

Channel 5 obviously hired someone from Colbert to do their graphics.

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4. This was the first pro wrestling match I'd watched in its entirety since Andre the Giant slammed Big John Studd for 15 grand. While the bigger dude won this particularly homoerotic interlude, the real winner was Rick Achberger, the fan in the front row:

How awesome is it that "Boo-urns" has burrowed this deep into our lexicon? Very.

Save me, Jebus!

John vs. Jon -- a Catastrofu**

Update: Big ups to Michael Weiss of Slate for the quote and link.

Last night's scuffle with John McCain was easily the most exciting and worst-conducted interview Jon Stewart has ever perpetrated.

Sen. McCain came out ornery, as if he wanted to instantly and simultaneously alienate the host, the studio audience and pretty much everyone in America. He led off with joke about bringing Stewart the gift of I.E.D. from Iraq, which went over like a lead I.E.D. Five seconds later, he talked about his desire to kick a dog. Way to go, McCain!

The discussion devolved into a gory death spiral, with McCain spewing the usual platitudes about the US role in the Iraqi Civil War, and Stewart bludgeoning him with the types of questions that the press should be asking. But sadly, Stewart went all O'Reilly on McCain, steamrollering him when he should have shut up to listen to him. Honestly, it was embarrassing.

Bear witness, parts 1 & 2:

We're Through, Jack Bauer. Don't Let the Off Switch Hit You on the Way Out

Mr. Bauer, we've been through a lot the last five and a half years. We've seen suitcase nukes, bioterrorism, nerve gas attacks, and a power plant meltdowns. We've been held hostage with you, and beaten and kidnapped by foreign governments and rogue agents. We've been falsely accused, we've gone into hiding.

We've forgiven you for a lot of wasted hours of stupidity, because at least it was quality stupidity. But no more.

It gave the members of the Rangelife household great pleasure to see South Park mock 24 this week. Because, coincidentally, this was the week that the Rangelife household finally opted out of 24 forever.

Why, after 5.5 seasons, are we quitting 24? Hint: It has nothing to do with you not eating or not using the john. Here are six reasons, for your six seasons:

1. We've seen it all before. It's all the same, every damn year, and yet every year you try to act like it's the first time. "OH MY GOD, IT'S A PLOT AGAINST THE PRESIDENT... FROM THE INSIDE!!!"

2. Your casting sucks. This season, three of the primary antagonists are played by Chad Lowe, Ricky Schroeder, and The Biscuit. I thought you should know that, Jack, in case you're not watching the show. Maybe next season you can get Gary Coleman as the new hotshot CTU analyst, Dave Coulier as the National Security Adviser with a hidden agenda, and Ed O'Neill as the guy-behind-the-guy-behind-the-terrorists.

3. Torture always works. In the real world, intelligent Americans are having conversations and debates about the use of torture. How does it dehumanize both parties? Does it actually result in usable information or outcomes? In 24, except when practiced on Jack himself, torture always produces good intel. It can make a government official give up a conspiracy and a computer whiz build a nuclear detonator. It can make the homies say "ho" and the girlies wanna scream.

4. Except for Chloe, your supporting characters are boring. And your whole audience is sick of fearing that moment every season when your daughter Kim appears.

5. Your international intrigue bites, too. How is that you mention China and the former USSR, but every time a middle eastern country comes up, you punt? "We will bomb his nation." "The USA has committed unspeakable crimes against the people of my country." Is Roger Ailes sending you memos not to offend the House of Saud?

6. It's the worst possible use of my meager TV time. In the 44 minutes that it takes to watch a Tivoed episode of 24, I could watch The Riches, whatever's hot on Sunday HBO, two eps of Penn & Teller: Bullshit, Frontline, or damn, I could just sleep.

So, sorry, Jack. It's over betwixt me and you. Go ahead, strap me to a chair, inject me with nerve toxin, cut off my pinkies, and electrocute my nipples with a lamp cord. I'm not coming back. At least until you torture Kim.

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Update: Tim Goodman, the best TV critic in America, quit 24 on the same day. Burned minds think alike.

In the Century Before [adult swim], There Was a Cat Named Eek

The suits at Viacom and Time Warner are rightfully held in adulation for discovering that many grownups dig cartoons. But years before adult swim and South Park (and about the same time The Simpsons was hitting a full creative stride), there was a ripping Saturday morning show on Fox called Eek! the Cat. And I recently made a discovery that demonstrated that Eek! was maybe not so much for kids.

As I suffered a bout of spring cleaning last weekend, I stumbled upon a clipping from the Miami Herald, circa '93 or so, that demonstrated just where Fox was drawing the line for Eek! creator Savage Steve Holland (previously the creator of the greatest teen comedy ever, Better Off Dead).

It's no secret. Saturday morning cartoons are chock full of violence and mayhem. With all the stuff that ends up in the shows despite the folks at standards and practices, you wonder what didn't get in. Entertainment Weekly obtained some memos by Fox's standards and practices about the series Eek the Cat that offer a glimpse of the tug of war that goes on behind the scenes over what kids get to see:

* Eek's Long Christmas Night, Page 3: "I... found the shot of Rambo blowing Santa Claus to bloody smithereens excessively violent. We would like to edit this so we don't see Santa exploding."
* Catsanova, Page 90: "Please don't show Cupid using a switchblade knife, an illegal weapon. How about an ax or a chainsaw?"
* The Eeksterminator, Page 12: "Please delete Zip's line 'I wear protection' and Mom's response, 'That's very nineties of you.'"
* Eek vs. The Flying Saucers, Page 141: "Please delete 'Marilyn Chambers' and 'edible underwear' from Eek's list of the wonderful stuff on earth."

This was a show that featured cameos from Shatner (as the non-exploding Santa) and Don Cornelius. And it's now owned by Disney, which means it's died in obvlion. Tragic.

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To the person who came here looking for "ann coulter penis pics," congratulations! You were page view number 400,000! Woohoo!

And I'm sorry to have disappointed you.

The Curse of Choice

Squid... or asteroids?

Squid... or asteroids?

Damn, squid or asteroids?

The Universe is Shaped Exactly Like the Earth

...and both are shaped exactly like the San Francisco Department of Public Health.

"BIRTH & DEATH LINE BEGINS HERE"

And that's how the world begins.
And that's how the world will end.

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I actually forced myself to suffer an entire excretion of Fox News's "1/2 Hour News Hour" last evening, and I can report that it was significantly less funny than last week's 24. Seriously, Jack Bauer needs to incorporate a DVD of last night's 1/2HNH into his interrogation kit in case that Russian diplo doesn't give up Dmitri Gredenko tonight. One viewing of the "To Catch a Pre-School Predator" sketch will get more information than any broken fingers or nerve toxins.

Torturous bits included:

• A recurrence of the President Limbaugh, Vice President Coulter sketch. The joke was that after four months in office, everything was right with the world, a premise directly ripped off from SNL's "President Gore" sketch last May. Unfortunately, the long lead time for 1/2HNH precluded Coulter from calling a Hillary Clinton a "ching-chong-Chinaman." (Actually, that might not be a bad SNL sketch character -- Ann Coulter branding people with non-sequitur slurs: "Al Sharpton, you dirty Jew midget wop.")
• An it-came-from-the-'80s interview with a child psychologist about why all recess games like tag and dodgeball are damaging to self-esteem. Stuart Pankin needs to sue the guy who played the psychologist to get his DNA back.
• Worst of the worst, an endless bit about terrorism suspects named Abdul Muhammed al-Hussein, Mohammed Sadiq Rachman, etc., and how nobody could figure out what linked them. The lists of Muslim names went on and on and on, the joke being that they're all Muslim terrorists, but because society is so P.C., no one will point out that their devotion to Islam has anything to do with it. This one joke went on for at least three minutes.
• And plenty of fake news. Sadly, the wack mock newscast on Studio 60 was funnier than this. Colin Quinn's "Weekend Update" was funnier than this. Hell, Wolf Blitzer is funnier than this.

And all the while, the raucous laff track rocked the house. Fortunately even a mere "1/2 Hour" is too much for Surnow, Cota, and Rice, and the closing credits ran a mere 24 minutes from the opening, including two commercial breaks.

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Speaking of "Weekend Update," people like to bag on SNL these days, but this season has been significantly stronger than the last three or four. If anything, it's been worth it only to see great graphics like this one.

I won't even repeat the joke or the wire report that it's based on. Just enjoy the graphic and make up your own.

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Finally, United Airlines loses college kid's luggage. United makes it a bitch to claim damages. Kid still tweaks out his full value of lost goods, one dildo at a time. Go, kid!

Seven Things That Are Horribly Wrong with "The Half-Hour News Hour"

Last November, America first caught a whiff of a horrifying prospect -- Fox News was getting into the comedy business with a right-leaning Daily Show rip called This Just In, produced by 24's Joel "Laff Riot" Surnow.

Surprise! The retitled Half-Hour News Hour sucks monstrously. Sucks the plasma from the screen. It could only have sucked worse if Surnow had cast Chevy Chase and Stephen A. Smith as co-anchors.

When Surnow announced the concept, he claimed:

"It's not going to hit you over the head with partisan politics," Surnow said. "It'll hit anything that deserves to be hit."

It's Fox News. You decide. This is the two-minute clip from the pilot that the producers decided would best reel in the viewers:

Oy, that laugh track. Did they clone an army of FM Morning Zoo sidekicks? Did they put magic mushrooms in the Orange Whip?

Mocking this show is so easy, it's guilt-inducing. It's like making fun of the Emirates ice hockey team or Pat Robertson. But here we go.

Seven Things That Are Horribly Wrong with The Half-Hour News Hour.

1. This Just In, the original title of this atrocity, was also the title of the second segment of The Daily Show during both the Kilbourn and early Jon Stewart eras. But they actually changed the title because AOL's using it now for a broadband channel.

2. The jokey new title, The Half-Hour News Hour, is itself a multi-recycled joke. ABC ran a summertime variety show called The Half Hour Comedy Hour in the early-'80s, and MTV later ran a Half-Hour Comedy Hour standup show that launched Sandler, Spade, and others who would later send SNL into an early-'90s tailspin.

3. The The Half-Hour News Hour title also, possibly unintentionally, mocks the title of the only television program that has stood steadfast against dumbing down and shallowing its news values, NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.

4. Joel Surnow. I've never missed an episode of 24 in six nonstop seasons, and I can honestly say that I find it to be one of the funniest shows on broadcast television. Every time I manage to tune out the thumping music and really tune in to the instant building schematics and distrustful glances and the inevitable phone call from the bad-guy-behind-the-bad-guy to the bad-guy-behind-the-bad-guy-behind-the-bad-guy, I laugh so hard I wet the couch. The great irony is that 24 is consistently hilarious without actually ever attempting comic relief.

Does Surnow have any background in comedy? Yes, he apparently wrote one or more episodes of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventures, the TV show.

5 It's about as timely as the US News lying around in the Jiffy Lube waiting room. From Yahoo News:

The producers were conscious of the fact that there would be a long lead time before the shows aired. "We were very careful to choose issues that were still going to be around" by the time the show aired...

Long lead time? They have a Marion Barry joke.

6. Conservatives don't do comedy. This isn't to say that conservatives can't be funny; they just can't be comedians. They're the Germans of America. "Zank you. I'll be here all ze veek." OK, name a conservative comedian. Larry the Cable Guy? Post-9/11 Dennis Miller? Conservatives like P.J. O'Rourke or Larry Miller do occasionally do humor, and some even do it well. But given that most conservatives by their nature prefer anachronistic notions like earnestness and sincerity and faith to the moden comedy necessities of irony and sarcasm, most conservative attempts at comedy come out looking like this mindblowing masterwork of satirical genius:

[image removed. that was unnecessary.]

See, Michael Moore, Rob Reiner, and Rosie O'Donnell, who we all know are great influencers among the powerful leftist cabal, are also all FAT! Daaaaaaaaaaamn! I bet George Soros knows his way around a box of Entenmann's, too. Am I right?

7. Even conservatives will hate this show. Steve H of Hog On Ice says, brilliantly: "Mr. Ailes, I beg you...KILL THIS SHOW. Sometimes a late-term abortion is not a bad thing. Seriously, this baby poses a threat to the health of the mother."

Steve H also claims, dubiously, that there exists a whole wide world of hilarious conservative comedy, by which he means funny right-leaning bloggers. I'll tell you what: When Al Franken and gets a thrilling anti-terrorism action show on the air, then I'll believe in conservative TV comedy. In the meantime, the right-wingers who deal in cameras and scripts should stick to saving Los Angeles from Muslims and Russians with WMDs.