Rangelife

Louisiana football is all about class and sportsmanship

Wow! Did you see this play from Central High's game against Zachary High in Louisiana?

Yes, that's a rare behind-the-back spiral for a two-point conversion. Amazing, eh?

Wait. How did this come to happen? You never see a team run a gimmick play on a conversion. You only get one shot at points after a TD, and at all levels two-pointers are used in such high stakes circumstances that coaches usually stick to power runs or bootlegs.

And then you read that Central beat Zachary 58-0. So this pass was the equivalent of a Harlem Globetrotter triple-alley-oop with a ladder and a bucket of popcorn.

Note that although Central's kicker also went 5-for-5 on PATs, Central still tried for two (and failed, mercifully) after scoring a late defensive TD to go up 58-0. (See scoring summary.)

I'm shocked they didn't loot Zachary's treasure house, burn their plantations, and enslave their women. Central coach Sid Edwards is one classy guy!

ESPN.com confuses LeBron's commercial life with his real life

Either that, or or this is some kind of weird SEO:

LeBron, what's with the sad-sackery? You look like you're marrying off your daughter to a tow truck driver in rehab. Smile. You just won MVP, and you're buddies with Warren Buffett.

Now look closely at the title bar...

And you thought that was just for an endorsement deal...

Finally, Philly sports fans use their evil powers for good

The people of Philadelphia give Gov. Palin the treatment they usually reserve for Santa Claus or Michael Irvin's cracked vertebrae. 

Well, I was saying "Boo-urns."

***

Update: Gov. Lipstick should be arrested for child abuse:

"I've been warned that Flyers fans, they get so enthused, that they boo everybody at the drop of the puck," she said at a Philadelphia fundraiser Saturday afternoon. "But what I thought I'd do is I'd put Piper in a Flyers jersey, bring her out with me. How dare they boo Piper!"

She can see Russia, but she can't see Philly's hate.

Legally speaking, your football team sucks

Some sports teams are undeniably awful. Like, say, all the professional baseball and football teams in the Bay Area.

But how would your favorite shitty team's shittiness hold up in court? Does it take a transcendent form of suck for a jury to find a team worthless?

Say hello to Duke football! The Blue Devils recently backed out a contract to play a four-game series with Louisville. The Cardinals responded by filing suit, although the contract between the two teams required a $150,000/game penalty by Duke only if Louisville couldn't find a replacement of "similar stature" to Duke.

Now, last season Duke was outscored 398-215 by its opponents, en route to a 1-11 record. (Thank you, Northwestern!) They averaged a pathetic 2.0 yards per rushing attempt, and managed to make only 3 field goals all season. So perhaps finding a team of "similar stature" might require Louisville to survey Kentucky Pop Warner teams at most.

And Duke's attorney wasn't ashamed of it:

I think the Court can absolutely positively take judicial notice that Duke is probably the worst football team in Division I football. Everybody knows that. That’s no secret. The longest losing streak, the inability to ever win games... We certainly don’t have to go out and take six months of discovery to establish that for you... So the bottom line is how much discovery, if any, should anyone have to take, want to take or need to take to make the simple analysis of whether or not that was a team of similar stature? It’s judicial notice that they [Louisville] got beat by Utah. Maybe that’s part of the dispute – that they wish they’d played somebody weaker, like Duke which would have been an automatic W.

The court got it. Summary judgment:

The term "team of similar stature" simply means any team that competes at the same level of athletic performance as the Duke football team. At oral argument, Duke... persuasively asserted that this is a threshold that could not be any lower...

So, look up Raider Nation! At least your boys only go to court when they're trying to move stadiums.

(Photo credit: joeosb on Flickr. And yes, Duke had a QB named "Asack.")

Bigfoot My Ass

 

Source: de-noted

***

Apparently somebody has discovered Bigfoot, and the Internet is going wild over it.

It's bullshit. You know it's bullshit. It's always bullshit. I'd rather spend 90 seconds declaring my intention not to read about it, than to learn any actual details.

I can believe in UFOs. But don't tell me that any creature, much less a creature with no clear evolutionary relatives, has successfully evaded human capture or even a convincing photograph to this point in history.

Next thing you'll be claiming that those miniature Chinese gymnasts are 16.

***

I like this: What Would Don Draper Do?

Dear Don Draper, I found a copy of "On The Road" by that beatnik writer in my son's room. Should I call the police or just rough him up a little and kick him out of the house like his grandmother suggested?

Neither. You’ve dodged a bullet. It’s best he go through that phase while he’s still under your roof and you can keep an eye on him. Many men waste their money on college tuition while their pretentious kids self-indulgently deny they were ever taught accountability. Leave the kid alone and hope he moves on to better books before he moves out. Panic will only cause him to clutch the filth tighter and, worse, longer.

***

News from across the street from my house:

A local resident was bitten on her lower back by a man as she jogged on ___. She felt pain as she ran and saw that a man she had just passed was restraining her. A witness saw the woman run pass the suspect (described as a white male 18 to 24 years of age, standing 5'8" tall, weighing 150 pounds, with brown hair, wearing a blue and white checkered shirt, blue jeans and black and white checkered shoes) and then saw the suspect run toward the victim, crouch, and press his face to her back. The suspect fled south on ___. Glen Canyon was searched to no avail.

I've seen several creepy men living in the thickets of Glen Canyon, but never before did I suspect that one was really Marv Albert.

***

The only college football preview you'll need to read: The Balls Deep Hater's Guide to the Top 25. Example:

11. Auburn

Fun fact: In the entire history of the school, no Auburn student has ever graduated. In fact, they don’t even plan a commencement. Everyone just kind of wanders off campus around March or so.

***

Memories of playing Madden the "wrong way":

Late-Hit Bowl, the object was to get flagged for as many late hits as possible and if the other guy ended up on the one yard line or scored on the drive, you got his points.

***

Finally, since you can smell football season, enjoy "Ram It" by the Rammers, by far the most homoerotic of the many "Super Bowl Shuffle" knockoffs.

Bill Parcells: Leadership by Example

Bill Parcells likes his players conditioned to bring their A-game into overtime.

He also likes Boston Cremes and Vanilla Frappucinos and Lasagna-in-a-Bucket.

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Other headlines from today:

• Dina Lohan's way: Parent attentively, or else
• Hillary Clinton's way: Practice decency, or else
• Bill O'Reilly's way: Treat your people with respect, or else FUCK FUCKING FUCK!

WE BEAT MEMPIS NOT OUR GIRLS

For those who have yet to revel in this joyful tussle, check out this scene following UAB's one-point home loss to #1 Memphis. Honestly, this picture is so awesome, it's replaced my daughter on my PC desktop. (Temporarily, okay?)

See the high-res version here and see if you can spot 75 amazing things. Here's a sample:

The Dallas Cowboys' 2007 Season in Eight Seconds

From today's "Can't Stop Watching This" file, I give you...

I am off for a long holiday weekend in the Pride of the Nation. My weekend picks (2-2 last week, 6-2 overall for the playoffs): Green Bay over Jersey by a little; New England over the Bolts' B-team by a lot.

Anybody Want 49ers Tickets? Any Republicans Heard of Global Warming?

My neighbor handed me two tickets to yesterday's 49ers game. Killer seats: 40-yard-line, lower deck, row 3. But he and his wife were as ill as everyone else in this town, and they couldn't find any friends to take the seats.

Well, it was my birthday, and I'd be damned if I was going to spend it watching punts at the 'Stick. So I sent out some messages -- no takers. Anybody want free goddamned 49ers seats? Third row?

Finally, I posted them on Craigslist for $5 each (a 93% discount off face value). Curtis from San Jose called 30 minutes later. Plugged my address into the GPS, and said he was on his way.

He never showed. I couldn't blame him.

***

For some mysterious reason, I enjoy killing valuable time on Polling Point polls. Today's poll featured an interesting thought exercise about the presidential race.

I had to rank eight of the candidates on whether I thought they embodied the following qualities: Competent, Religious, Bold, Mature, Intelligent, Shows good judgment, Moral, A strong leader, Says what he [sic] believes, Reliable, Honest. Basically 11 qualities you really want in the ever-diminishing role of Leader of the Free World (although "Religious" isn't a slam dunk for everyone).

Hillary's name popped first. After ruminating upon the past 16 years, I could only check Competent, Mature, Intelligent, and Reliable. Some of them -- Bold, Says what [s]he believes -- even seemed anathema to her.

Naturally, a simple tally of personal qualities isn't any better way to work out your voting tactics than one of those silly candidate calculators. (They keep telling me I'm a Romneyite or a Gravelista.) But at this point in the campaign, I still have to wonder what the phuck people find appealing about Hillary Clinton, the candidate for president. It's was mysterious to me even 18 months ago when I projected trouble for the inevitable Hillary campaign, because I couldn't find anybody who was particularly enthusiastic about her.

At this point, I have actually met a few Hillary backers and money harvesters, and they're invariably business big-hitters trying to get behind a winner, or middle-aged women in senior management who are thrilled about the prospect of shattering the ultimate glass ceiling. And Republicans are so depressed and freaked out about the prospect of her taking the Oval Office, that "I can beat Hillary" has surpassed "I will protect America from Iran" or "I will convert gays and deport Muslims" as their candidates' primary selling point.

If you go back and look at how I projected the 2008 presidential race 18 months ago, you'll notice that I'm no better at predicting politics than anyone on The McLaughlin Group. But this I know: since 1960, the dawn of the television age, the more charismatic and authentic candidate has won** every single election.

Hillary's persona is forced and measured, more like the last two Democratic candidates than the prior winning one. So, which of the running Republicans does she beat on authenticity and charisma?

***

If you're an air-breathing, land-living, food-eating, live human, the environment has to be your number one issue for 2008. So here are how the Republican candidates for president are addressing the issue of "The Environment" on their websites during primary season:

• McCain: Mostly focused on conservation. At least mentions global warming.
• Giuliani: No mention of the environment among his 12 issues. Seriously, 12 issues, and not one of them is the preservation of life on Earth.
• Thompson: Mild support of more research into reducing CO2 emissions as part of "Energy Security" issue, but also states that nobody really knows why global warming occurs. Right.
• Romney: No mention among his 10 issues. But he does want to open ANWR for drilling.
• Paul: Wants to deregulate his way to a cleaner environment. No mention of climate change or emissions.
• Tancredo: No mention among his 15 issues.
• Huckabee: No mention among his 16 issues.
• Hunter: No mention among his 33 issues.

OK, I'll shut up now. Hillary in '08!

** 2000 election requires technical definition of "won."

Game of the Week: Notre Dame vs. Duke

It's history in the making tomorrow!

Saturday's      Notre Dame-Duke game may be the worst nationally televised game in sports      history.      

Both teams are 1-9 this season, and the matchup features the nation's 115th-ranked offense in Duke and Notre Dame's 119th and last-ranked offense. It's a Notre Dame home game, though, so NBC will carry the game nationwide.

(source)

Have pity and watch. Like you have something better to do on the Saturday before Thanksgiving