(From the Lucky on Sloat Blvd.)
It's that time of year.
No Banana Grape Twinkies. No Mouth Xplosion Snapping Chicken Pizza Pockets. No Claim Jumper Sirloin Quesadilla Pie.
Just mazto. Matzo. Matzo. All carbo pleasure, crumbled to dust.
Wait! What's this? Matzo shortage???
Oh goodie! I guess that'll mean Pink Coconut Sno-Balls! Minty Japanese Pasta-Roni! Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres Sweetened Crunchy Corn Cereal!
(Sadly, that last one was all too real.)
These two items aren't license plates, but they are decidedly "of the damned."
The above bumper sticker was spotted in Provo, Utah.
Kidding! It was the Castro.
And in case "eating God" jokes are a little too much for you, you can instead limit your munching to the living symbol of the Christ Jesus:
Mmm, this embodiment of the Resurrection of our Lord is so chocolatey and gooey. He is risen!
Good Friday, to my Christian people. This is day when the Romans crucified Jesus, which is why Christians call it Good Friday. You know, like calling a bald guy "Curly" or a giant guy "Tiny." It's ironic fun.
That was today's religious lesson from a guy who's been to about eight Christian services in his lifetime.
One of those religious services was an Episcopalian Sunday in West-by-God Virginia, circa 1994. And my hosts to that service was a Republican family -- mom was running for Congress, while daughter (my college buddy) had been proudly flying the GOP flag on a sick-in-the-head campus that made Berkeley look like BYU. In some sense, I didn't blame this family for its Republicanism. In W.V., after all, the Democratic party is dominated by reformed KKKers, carpetbaggers, and corrupt mining barons. Hell, I'd be a Republican there.
But I raise this story, not just because the aforementioned college buddy has recently had the good taste to relocate to the Bay Area, but because she has decided to swallow the Bay experience whole and endorse Barack Obama, much to her own disbelief. Go, Rox, go.
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If you get BBC America, thou shalt Tivo the Season 2 premiere of That Mitchell & Webb Look tonight. America's best TV critic profiled the show this morning, and I couldn't agree more. It's the cleverest sketch program since Mr. Show.
Por ejemplo:
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While not as brilliant an observation as, say, AdamRiff's official font of shitty comedies, you gotta love the Hollywood protocol of listing actors' names in contractual order, no matter how the promos or posters are designed.
Por ejemplo:
Who knew Ellen Page could grow such an impressive mustache at her age?
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Speaking of Ellen Page, people keep asking me what I thought of Juno. Well, I haven't wanted to see it. Because I saw Hard Candy. When you're grinding up a guy's nuts in the garbage disposal one minute, you don't just leap to heart-warming hipster ha-has the next.
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The Assimilated Negro vs. Stuff White People Like
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And a happy Easter to everyone! This is the day when Christians commemorate Jesus coming back from the dead by... shit, something with a bunny and pink eggs and yellow marshmallows. I don't know. Hey, March Madness!
"And if you think this is a blasphemy... well then I hope it was a blast for you, too."
Easter morning in the Land of Enchantment.
That is exactly how He wanted to be remembered.
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Kung Fu Grip. Even I'm offended.
God, save me from freaky people who seek to honor you.
(Big ups to my dear sister for the shots.)
This will be my last Chanukah, for I now revel in the joyous light of Jesus Christ, thanks to the apostle Dee Snider.
I bring ye good news, brothers and sisters, for Twisted Sister has released a Christmas album, and their electrifying mash-up of "Come All Ye Faithful" with "We're Not Gonna Take It" was all it took to swing the Jesus pendulum from "Born Once, Circumcised" to "Born Again, Beyotches."
If you want to feel the full brunt of the glory of God's Only Son, stick around for the double-guitar solo at the 2:10 mark.
To the Jews I leave behind, know that I'll be thinking of you in heaven. Happy Hannukah! Free Mel Gibson!
This morning, MSNBC ran a restrospective on the trapped-miners story, and revealed to the world a pair of shiny, brass cojones.
Here's what a viewer sees: America's ever more desperate and amateurish newsmedia dispatches a wave of reporters and correspondents to the scene, including MSNBC's Rita Cosby. Because almost no actual information is coming in, the camera jockeys basically hold vigil and interview "experts" who know nothing about the actual event.
At one point in the evening, based on nothing but hearsay, Cosby and others joyously report that the miners are alive! Then, three hours later, after the highly-paid anchors have gone home to bed, the backups reveal the truth of the situation -- death, death, death.
But the passing of the miners isn't the only horrific drama here. The big picture tragedy is the degradation of a newsmedia that's unworthy of our trust. It's been gutted by cost-cutting, dominated by big personalities, and driven to bad habits via minute-by-minute competition. The newspapers that went to press with the wrong story on their front pages might be forgiven (except the Boston Herald for both the tasteless pun and idiot religiosity), but the electronic media has sadly comitted itself to the following value: Delivering a bad story now is always better than delivering a correct story a short time later. For three hours, almost all the major television news outlets focused intensely on an event that didn't happen, based on nothing but rumor.
And here's where MSNBC reveals its alloy genitals: After they ran their 10-minute retrospective of the development of the story this morning, they didn't apologize for their giant fuck-up. Instead, they congratulated themselves for gripping television.
If there's a dingy silver lining here, it's the on-camera quotes from two tearful middle-aged women who had emerged disappointed from prayerathons in the church near the mine:
(1) "We're Christian people ourself. We have got some of us right down to sayin' that we don't even know if there is a Lord anymore. We had a miracle and it was taken away from us."
(2) "I tell you this right now, I plan to sue."
What we're seeing there is a marvelous thing, a revelation if you will -- poor, working people recognizing that their concept of God as a sky-daddy who listens to psychic messages and judges who lives and dies is just nuts. Because their God didn't dig that hole in the ground. International Coal Group did.
Cogent and impolite words from Greg Saunders at This Modern World:
Now that we know the twelve miners were killed, does this mean America’s prayers weren’t answered? Just like gambling addicts remember their big wins but not their losses, the fate of the twelve miners has transformed from a faith-inspiring act of God to another horrible tragedy in which it’s impolite to mention religion at all. Cute little sayings like “the Lord works in mysterious ways” are cop-outs for the logical conclusions that many of us draw from experiences like this. If something fantastic and improbable can be used as proof that there’s a benevolent god, doesn’t the reverse point toward the conclusion that a higher power is indifferent at best? If you believe in a god that could have saved these men’s lives (which I don’t, btw), why didn’t he? People are quick to throw around the word “miracle” when something wonderful happens, so what the hell do we call this?
Greg, ssshhhhh. You'll anger the angels.
Prediction: if the Redskins win this weekend, Mark Brunell will thank Jesus, but he won't blame Him if they lose.
It's not just the world-class service, convenience, and value anymore. Now you should move all your money to San Francisco-based Wells Fargo because Wells Fargo is just too gay for the American mullah, James Dobson.
Focus on the Family Drops Wells Fargo
Bank’s support of the gay agenda among the reasons for the split.
Focus on the Family has fired its banker; Wells Fargo. The bank is among the largest corporate contributors to homosexual causes. Steve Kipp of Focus on the Family Action has researched the corporate giant.
“Wells Fargo has joined in with a select number of other companies in forming basically a gay and lesbian Chamber of Commerce, that’s actually the name of it.”
The aim is to give gay and lesbian companies more business, but they don’t stop there. They are also interested in gay youth.
Dobson is also interested in gay youth.
“They also have given money to Gay and Lesbian Youth Center; they’ve given money to Family Pride Coalition, which advocates adoption for same sex couples.”
In 2003 alone, Wells Fargo gave $2.1 million to more than 95 non-profit agencies serving the homosexual community. That brings their total giving since the 1980’s to more than $14 million. Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family.
“We have to do business with some companies because there are no alternatives. All you can do is refuse to do business with those who are most aggressive in terms of promoting that lifestyle.”
I want to restate the allegation here: Wells Fargo, with its 23 million customers and $450 billion in assets, is aggressively promoting homosexuality.
Focus on the Family is sympathetic to the homosexual community but opposes the radical agenda by activists. The ministry will be switching all its banking to First National Bank Omaha, described as a family-friendly institution. Wells Fargo declined to comment. Wells Fargo has won several awards for recognizing the GLBT community including scoring a perfect 100 on the Human Rights Campaign’s “Equality Index.”
I want to restate the allegation here: Wells Fargo, with its $93 million in charitable giving and its adoption and scholarship benefits for employees, is not family-friendly.
I can't wait to see how Dobson's new bank spins this. "Choose First National Bank of Omaha. Because Nothing Stains Your Money like Sodomites."
Pat Robertson is a national treasure. When he's not calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, he's crediting God with punishing America because we're just so damn gay.
In fact, according to dear Pat, the Big Man Upstairs is absolutely obsessed with Ellen Degeneres, this time sending Hurricane Katrina to punish New Orleans for spawning a popular lesbian Emmys host: (link)
“By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath. Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”
We can only presume that Alabama and Mississippi are also hotbeds of sodomy and lesbianism as well.
And what about the last time Ellen hosted the Emmys in 2001? Um, perhaps you remember a little thing called "9/11"? Take it away, Pat:
“This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards. America is waiting for her to apologize for the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation.”
Wow! Here I was naively believing that Al Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden had attacked America over our Middle East policy, when it was God who actually attacked America because that lady on TV digs chicks. Pat Robertson must have strongly opposed the war in Afghanistan, right? That money and those lives obviously would have been better spent rounding up the homos.
Also, Pat noted that the debut of Ellen's talk show coincided with the Sunni and foreign insurgency gaining a foothold in Iraq.
“Now we know why things took a turn for the worse,” he explained.
Again, we all should thank Pat for helping us understand this. I had just assumed that centuries of tribal tensions among sects of Islam combined with American occupation to lead to an impending civil war. In fact, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is merely God's angel of vengeance, slaughtering Iraqi Shi'ites by the hundreds because today Ellen welcomes Kelly Monaco.
And God's not only pissed about Ellen! Oh, no siree! He's also incredibly concerned about the quality of televised awards show in general!
[Robertson] said employees at the Christian Broadcasting Network had put together a list of 283 nominees, presenters, and invited guests at the Emmys known to be of sexually deviant persuasions... “God already allows one awards show to promote the homosexual agenda,” Robertson declared. “But clearly He will not tolerate such sinful behavior to spread beyond the Tonys.”
God's apparently pursuing some kind of Truman Doctrine against homosexuality, containing deviance to awards shows for the stage, but resisting expansion across awards show borders. And here I was thinking that watching four hours of Oscars was punishment enough.
Pat, America owes you a depth debt of gratitude for your fine educational mission. On behalf of all Americans, even the ungrateful black ones imagining racism, I thank you for outing our nation's real enemy: sodomy.
Note: The article about Pat Robertson was good satire.
Here's a supernaturally brilliant quote from an AP article about Starbucking, a documentary in production about a man named Winter, who's attempting to get coffee at every Starbucks. I recall this man doing this a few years ago, but I guess the movie about him makes him newsworthy again.
I think Winter really has carved out a lifestyle that addresses the meaningless void that is existence:
Having the incessant goal of reaching the next Starbucks provides another benefit.
"Every time I reach a Starbucks I feel like I've accomplished something," Winter said, "when actually I have accomplished nothing."
I suddenly have that weird sensation of envy I get when I watch Sunday church shows or Dennis Madalone.
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