Rangelife

Dickhead of the Decade

Well, I'm back from two weeks of holiday family overdosin' on the east coast, and I come back to this mess?

Brit Hume was perfecting the pompous-TV-prick thing back when O'Reilly was doing it live, Olbermann was narrating Big 10 basketball highlights, and Beck was waking up the morning zoo.

But never before have we seen anybody, even on Fox "News," go out there and state that Christianity was better than Buddhism. The balls on him.

Think he'll be fired?

When you shop American Eagle, you shop with Satan

As we all know, Christmas commemorates the anniversary of when God's son came to Earth on a suicide mission to implore man to buy dog Snuggies and Dick Towels and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

As we also know, the nefarious elitist liberal establishment has been trying to Jew our Lord Jesus Christ out of His holy-day, one mall store at a time. Christmas begets Xmas, which begets "Holidays," as if Jesus weren't the reason for the season. Nativity scenes have given way to "Winter Greetings" displays, and Menorahs have impinged on public Christmas trees, like drunken rubes photo-bombing girls' night-out.

Fox News has been on the case for years, heroically detailing Big Retail's and Big Government's War on Christmas. But why stop at complaining, when you can boycott?

With the help of Stand for Christmas, people of all faiths can finally put their money where their mouths are, and then sound out with their money-mouths, "Fuuuuuck yooooouuu, heathens." At Stand for Christmas, Christians can finally know which stores recognize Jesus Christ as the reason you're consuming shit.

Now let's check out the rankings of the retail chains.

Most Christmas-friendly: Bass Pro Shops! No shock here. Bass Pro Shops are intentionally located very far from Jews, Muslims, and other quasi-Americans.

Most Christmas-negligent: Lane Bryant. Apparently, they consider themselves too fancy-schmancy for the kind of people who care how salespeople say "bye-bye."

Most Christmas-offensive: Gap, Banana Republic, Old Navy, Best Buy, American Eagle.

First, let's take a look at the Gap corporation's unholy trinity of Gap (middle-of-the-middle-of-the-middle of the road), Old Navy (cheap basics for families), and Banana Republic (mass-upscale urbanity... isn't it time they rebranded from their old beach-wear name?).

Gap has really gotten the fundies' undies twisted with their holiday campaign that encourages you to buy their winter duds for Christmas, Hannukah, Kwaanza, or "whateveryouwannakah." Hoo boy. Worse than not mentioning Christ is putting His birthday on par with wild made-up words that imply Free Will.

Best Buy had the nerve to wish Muslims a Happy Eid al-Adha on their 2009 Black Friday mailers. The Muslim Festival of Sacrifice coincided with Thanksgiving weekend this year, and Best Buy also mentions the other religious holidays in other ads. But you know the old saw about retail marketing: if you can win the battle for Eid al-Adha, you can win the Season. God is great.

As for American Eagle (60% "offensive" ratings), let's just go to the Stand for Christmas user comments:

Was wished a Happy Hanukkah as I left the store. When I stopped and explained I was Christian, the lady at the counter told me 'Happy Holidays!' This was very offensive!

This store was playing MTV when I was in there last, I was glad my daughter was in the dressing room because the video that was on was porn.

this retailer wants to be part of the Christmas season but is unwilling to acknowledge Christ. The more blind retailers get, the less sales they'll make and it won't be for the economy, it will be wise and prudent shoppers who honor Christ as the reason for Christmas and will choose to not spend their money where Christ is not welcomed.

"American Eagle shows porn on its TV monitors, fails to honor Christ, and assumes Jewishness of its customers. This message was brought to you by Sears."

And for the rest of us: Happy Saturnalia, Hell-bounders. I'm off to Best Buy.

South Carolina Republican leaders really respect those money-hoarding Jews

"Who do you think you are, attacking South Carolina's esteemed US Senator Jim DeMint (R), just because he's letting all the other states hoard federal earmarks at our expense? Don't you get it? How can we pound the ridiculousness of your critique into your little snail-brain?"

How about with a carefully-worded op-ed?

DeMint Watches Out for Us All

Recently your newspaper published a letter from state Rep. Bakari Sellers attacking U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint and his opposition to congressional earmarks.

There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.

Jim DeMint is like a Jew! Hey, what are you getting upset about it? It's in a good way. Everyone knows that Jews get rich by being cheap about the little things. C'mon, it's a saying! Some jackass once said something about "being penny-wise and pound-foolish," but that guy obviously knew nothing about crafty Jew mercantilism.

Louis C.K. did a clever bit years ago about how awesome it would be if stereotypes were more positive. Like, "You know why I love Chinese people? Because they're made out of candy. And Puerto Ricans can fly!"

The late defensive end Reggie White also once shocked the Wisconsin state house by giving a speech in which he "praised" races and ethnicities for their shared characteristics, like "Hispanics are gifted in family structure, and you can see a Hispanic person, and they can put 20, 30 people in one home."

And let's not forget the former president of the University of Maine, who claimed, shockingly, that blacks were better basketball and football players than whites because the "muscle structure of the black athlete typically is more suited for certain positions." And then there's Jimmy the Greek. 

So let's give South Carolina GOP county chairmen James Ulmer and Edwin Merwin (ha ha ha) a break or two. How many of the 40,000 white people in their counties have ever even been to shul?

If you want to under the appeal of Evangelism...

...this will really show you all you need to know.

Praise Jebus. Happy Friday.

All aboard the Atheist Bus!

In merry old England, Richard Dawkins and a humanist group have purchased an atheist aphorism for Westminster's "bendy" buses. It's fun, positive, and full of doubt. Win!

"There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

Sage advice. But you know who is worrying? America's over-churched whites, that's who.

Yes, back in the USA, Tracy Kerlee's vote is worth as much as yours. Probably more, since she lives in a swing state.

"I can't imagine having a president of the United States being named President Obama. I really have a problem with that, and I am not the only one."

"Because that means what to you?"

"His background. Huh. Ugh. His mother that was an atheist. Ugh. That really gets to me. His father that was a Muslim. That should get to everyone."

Tracy is from Virginia. I assume from Real Virginia.

Religulous

Above: Jesus makes a contribution to the Palin for Governor campaign. Witchcraft has a bad day.

I saw a screening of Bill Maher's Religulous yesterday, for a review I'll be writing for filmcritic.com. It's a Michael Moore-style polemic with a Borat edge. (In fact, it's directed by Borat's Larry Charles, so expect lots of fun squirming.) Maher travels the world visiting holy sites and holy people, not seeking to learn from them, but to challenge their very foundations.

Maher doesn't in particular hate Christianity or Islam or general fundamentalism. He just thinks the very concept of faith is devastatingly awful for humanity. His thesis:

1. Both Christians and Muslims believe as truth ancient, plagiarized, heavily re-written fairy tales that end with the destruction of the world.

2. The people who have the ability to destroy the world are Christians and Muslims.

Jews, Scientologists, Mormons, Catholics, and some Dutch pot-is-God guy also get their due, of course. As a whole, the movie is amusing, offensive, and deeply unsettling, as are most movies that end with mushroom clouds. When does prophecy become self-fulfilling prophecy? Why did 50 people die around the world after a newspaper published a cartoon of Mohammed? How is that so many US Senators doubt that science is real and believe that the End is Nigh? (Answer from Sen. Mark Pryor of Arkansas: "You don't have to pass an IQ test to be a US Senator." He was trying to be funny.)

If you find Maher's thesis outrageous, that's the point. Few non-non-believers will see Religulous, because they'll be offended. But isn't it our responsibility to seek personal offense every now and then?

See the trailer for Religulous.

And now, some good news

Voter turnout is considered an absolute good in the world, but we know that really it's a double-edged sword.

In other words, some people should just stay away from the polls -- for example: racists, Marxists, sociopaths, Houston-area homeowners, and those who believe world events are guided by supernatural forces.

Yay!

People who believe that God is involved in worldly affairs are less likely to participate in national elections than others, according to a new survey...

"It can be reasoned that if one believes God determines worldly affairs, then there is little reason for individuals to participate in civic events," study leader Robyn Driskell and her colleagues write.

Overall, about 58 percent of citizens age 18 and over voted in the 2004 presidential elections, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

Evangelical and black Protestants on average were least likely to "get out the national vote" in the 2004 elections, the study finds. The researchers say both denominations espouse the view that God is active in world affairs, so the lower political engagement makes sense.

The researchers found that a person who views God as more inactive and less involved in the world is more likely to engage in political activities. Jewish respondents and mainline Protestants, who commonly take this inactive-God view, scored higher on political participation than evangelical and black Protestants. Catholics also scored higher than Protestants.

Specifically, individuals who prayed about "general world concerns" or who believed that "actively seeking social and economic justice is important in being a good person" showed at least 5 percent higher scores on political involvement.

So while the belief in God in general is not a predictor of voter participation, the researchers say, whether this God is involved in worldly affairs does impact voting patterns.

Thank God for deciding that these people don't like to vote.

When I hear some idiot sputtering supernatural determinism, I mentally punch them in the face. "Everything happens for a reason" my ass. The effect is not the cause. This type of thinking leads only to destruction and failure. Don't park your Suburban -- God has a plan for global warming. (Maybe it's the second Great Flood.)

Damn, I miss Carlin.

The Great Matzo Shortage of Ought-Eight

(From the Lucky on Sloat Blvd.)

It's that time of year.

No Banana Grape Twinkies. No Mouth Xplosion Snapping Chicken Pizza Pockets. No Claim Jumper Sirloin Quesadilla Pie.

Just mazto. Matzo. Matzo. All carbo pleasure, crumbled to dust.

Wait! What's this? Matzo shortage???

Oh goodie! I guess that'll mean Pink Coconut Sno-Balls! Minty Japanese Pasta-Roni! Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres Sweetened Crunchy Corn Cereal!

(Sadly, that last one was all too real.)

Other Stuff of the Damned

These two items aren't license plates, but they are decidedly "of the damned."

The above bumper sticker was spotted in Provo, Utah.

Kidding! It was the Castro.

And in case "eating God" jokes are a little too much for you, you can instead limit your munching to the living symbol of the Christ Jesus:

Mmm, this embodiment of the Resurrection of our Lord is so chocolatey and gooey. He is risen!

A Religious Lesson, Digby Chicken Caesar, and Ellen Page's Peach Fuzz

Good Friday, to my Christian people. This is day when the Romans crucified Jesus, which is why Christians call it Good Friday. You know, like calling a bald guy "Curly" or a giant guy "Tiny." It's ironic fun.

That was today's religious lesson from a guy who's been to about eight Christian services in his lifetime.

One of those religious services was an Episcopalian Sunday in West-by-God Virginia, circa 1994. And my hosts to that service was a Republican family -- mom was running for Congress, while daughter (my college buddy) had been proudly flying the GOP flag on a sick-in-the-head campus that made Berkeley look like BYU. In some sense, I didn't blame this family for its Republicanism. In W.V., after all, the Democratic party is dominated by reformed KKKers, carpetbaggers, and corrupt mining barons. Hell, I'd be a Republican there.

But I raise this story, not just because the aforementioned college buddy has recently had the good taste to relocate to the Bay Area, but because she has decided to swallow the Bay experience whole and endorse Barack Obama, much to her own disbelief. Go, Rox, go.

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If you get BBC America, thou shalt Tivo the Season 2 premiere of That Mitchell & Webb Look tonight. America's best TV critic profiled the show this morning, and I couldn't agree more. It's the cleverest sketch program since Mr. Show.

Por ejemplo:

And that's Numberwang!

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While not as brilliant an observation as, say, AdamRiff's official font of shitty comedies, you gotta love the Hollywood protocol of listing actors' names in contractual order, no matter how the promos or posters are designed.

Por ejemplo:

Who knew Ellen Page could grow such an impressive mustache at her age?

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Speaking of Ellen Page, people keep asking me what I thought of Juno. Well, I haven't wanted to see it. Because I saw Hard Candy. When you're grinding up a guy's nuts in the garbage disposal one minute, you don't just leap to heart-warming hipster ha-has the next.

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The Assimilated Negro vs. Stuff White People Like

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Yo I need a pet lion

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And a happy Easter to everyone! This is the day when Christians commemorate Jesus coming back from the dead by... shit, something with a bunny and pink eggs and yellow marshmallows. I don't know. Hey, March Madness!