rangelife

Teflon Shazam! We Have a Winner!

Many enter, but only one contestant will emerge as champion of the first Rangelife Comments Contest. The challenge: form a bitchin' band name entirely from the new 2006 SCRABBLE words.

First, in honor of tonight's Bullet-in-the-Groin Awards show, are the five runners up:

6. Hazmat Homies (submitted by Chris Null). This is the only fake band* actually captured on film:

* actually, that's 8-bit.

5. Bidi Bento (generated by Pablo Escobar's random number generator): Japanese trip-hop infused with Indian beats.

4. Tween Tranny (submitted by Yen): Yen wrote, "Kinda says it all doesn't it." Yup. I personally can't wait for the Google search traffic for that phrase.

3. Neocon Menudo (submitted by Scaramouche): A boy band comprised of Puerto Ricans dedicated to the cause of spreading democracy and American influence throughout the Middle East. Management by Lou Pearlman, lyrics by Richard Perle.

2. Phreak Droid Barney (submitted by Rox): Nerd rap with two keyboardists, a DJ, and a knob-tweaker. Involved in a bitter, violent bi-coastal rivalry with Hazmat Homies played out in Halflife 2 arena battles.

And the best band name comprised of new 2006 SCRABBLE words…

Trampy Burqa (submitted by mlo): Trashy chick-punk with a hot Tunisian front-woman.

Oh man, I would love to see Trampy Burqa storm the Grammys stage like ODB, stomp the shit out of Stefani, appropriate her band's gear, and tear through their entire Jeddah is Bleeding EP

Now, let's meet our winner and discuss her grand prize. Her picture is on the right:

Q: Who the hell are you?

A: Mlo

Q. What's your hood like?

A. Cold lampin' with flavah.

Q. Which five states are you least likely to live in during the rest of your life?

A. Hawaii, Alaska, Utah, and the Dakotae.

Q. Winning this contest bestows upon you great influence over the election of the next President of the United States. Whom are you endorsing?

A. Barak Obama.

Q. Name three people who need to go away and never come back.

A. Bruce Vilanch, Hedda Nussbaum, Joanna Gleason

Mlo, you are a wonderful person, but you are a sinner. Not only have you hosted at least one "Poker and Porno" party, but you also lived several years of your adult life in the snakepit of avarice, Capitol Hill.

Because I care so deeply for the condition of your soul, your grand prize is a set of two cartoon tracts produced by Chick Publications. While you can read the titles online, you will only feel the true power of the Christian (not Catholic) Lord when you caress the paper in your filthy hands. They are in the mail.

Godspeed, Mlo. And congratulations!!!

Teflon Shazam! Rangelife Comments Contest #1

Note: This is the first Rangelife Comments Contest. Winner gets some deeply arousing recognition, complete with a picture of their choosing. Get playin'!

There is no singular game called SCRABBLE™. There are two SCRABBLEs. There's the competitive game, often played by shady masters from parts unknown, battling in bloodsport tournaments lorded over by evil billionaires. And then there's "Kitchen Table Scrabble," where tiles are swapped, dictionaries are consulted, and nobody ever plays "SUQ" or "PARAE."

The masters get all a-twitter this time of year, when the SCRABBLE Overlords hand down their new words, effective March 1. (Don't try to use any of these on, say, Feb. 28th, or they'll cut your filthy thumbs off.)

Below, all kidding aside, is a sampling of the new words for 2006, divided into helpful categories. I swear I'm not making any of this up.

Here is your challenge: Combine any two words from this list into a band name (or a whole lineup at Coachella). Click on the "Continue reading" link below, and then put your response in the comments. Do it.

Hot New SCRABBLE Words, Effective March 1, 2006:

Me Love You Long Time

Lubed

Porked

Tranny

Hottie

Gaydar

Hickie

Drooly

Perv

Fully Baked

Bogart

Buddha

Doobie

Skunky

Kegger

Roofie