rangelife

If Only San Francisco Were More Like Detroit...

...then we'd have our adolescent girls kick some Peskin and Daly ass.

Good god. What a hero. Monica Conyers is still feeling the burn.

Five Years Later: Message Failure

On the five-year anniversary of the start of military operations in Iraq, protesters are still making the mistake of framing it as an ongoing "war."

Many protesters wore costumes or face paint. Ashley Gregory, a San Francisco resident, used marker to paint blue tears on her face.

"It's scary how normal the war has become," Gregory said. "I think we've consented to the war, and this is my way to show my discontent."

I bitched about this last year: Lefties -- with their self-commitment to clear-eyed truth -- are horrible at influencing outsiders. And while a majority of public opinion has decided that, in hindsight, this was all a terrible mistake, it's the proud members of the Left who are burning their shoe leather in the streets today. They're not really helping themselves.

The "war" ended when America defeated the Iraqi defenses and deposed Saddam. Then the occupation began. The occupation bears no resemblance to an actual war -- no uniformed enemies, nobody to outmaneuver, and most importantly, no way to define victory.

But when you call it a war, you suppose two possible endings -- victory and defeat. So if you want our troops out yesterday, you're essentially demanding defeat, retreat, surrender, while Bush and McCain get to promote a strategy for victory. Guess who wins that argument with the American public.

Ok, sure, you smell the bullshit, and the war was illegal, and Fox News Bechtel Halliburton Abu Ghraib Valerie Plame no blood for oil blah blah blah. If you're serious about getting troops home, focus on what that will mean for America and for this other country we broke. And stop calling it a war.

***

But if you want to understand how America stumbled into empire, this short film explains it as brilliantly as any:

And Ralph Nader Takes the San Francisco Single White Female Vote

Nader Picks Matt Gonzalez as Veep

For those who aren't familiar with recent SF politics (or those who have quite understandably chosen to forget), Gonzalez was the Green who challenged Gavin Newsom for mayor in 2003, resulting in the most savage example of leftist-vs.-liberal tribal warfare ever seen outside Northern Europe.

So now we know who'll be complaining about being excluded from the Vice Presidential debate between Gary Hart and Charlie Crist this fall.

And we also now have to consider for whom the ladies of the Mission District are going to turn out this November. Let's revisit a Matt Smith SF Weekly column from Gonzalez's mayoral insurgency. Headline: "The Chick Factor."

Of the 20 or so people at the cafe signing up to canvass for Gonzalez, about a quarter were better-than-average-looking women in their 20s and 30s. I don't mean beads 'n' patchouli good-looking, mind you; this core Gonzalez constituency wouldn't have been out of place in a liquor ad. Several of them stood around looking mildly nervous until the candidate approached, whereupon they lit up, talked enthusiastically, and gestured emphatically as if on a first date, until Gonzalez excused himself and moved on to someone else, whereupon they went back to looking downcast.

It appears that by accident the city's political left wing has happened upon a gold mine: single, straight, disenfranchised San Francisco women.

Will their Obama crush survive the return of a past love? Ladies and gentlemen, San Francisco is now in play.

Right-Wing All-Stars Want to Steal Your Identity

Look at this! It's the right-wing Pro Bowl. If a suicide bomb went off in the room, there would be no one left to defend internment of Japanese Americans, or blame liberals for terrorism. And yes, imagine the horrors of an education without Bob Novak or Ann Coulter. (Notice how everyone is all bunched together, but no one will get within a foot of Ann.)

I must have this cultural icon. One for me, one for my friend.

Quantity: 2.
Order.
Checkout.

Whaaaaaa?

Welcome back, jxxxx.xxxxx@us.army.mil!

I'm not one to mess with a dude in the Army during wartime. And I sure as hell ain't giving my address and credit card info to Young America's Foundation now. So, sadly, I will do without the Right-Wing Pro Bowl pic today.

And Young America's Foundation: You guys have some work to do. I mean, besides examining your psyches to understand why you'd peddle Ann Coulter to young people.

***

Update: As I proceeded through the checkout screens, I noticed that the price of "my" order had exploded to well over $300. So I clicked to look at it, and...

I swear to God and "Bob" and every other deity that this really happened. YAF website, you are not just broken, you are sick.

Update, Part 2: I went back to the site after a few hours, and...

Now we're getting somewhere!

***

Update: The more I play with the site, the more people's personal info bubbles up into my view. Gabriel in Florida. Samuel in California. Craig in Nebraska.

I called YAF to warn them. Their hold music is a speech by John Ashcroft. Seriously.

Dear NAACP: That Man, Ron Mexico? Not Your Friend

To: NAACP Board of Directors
From: Your Friend Seamus

I know that my melanin deficiency will always keep me far from your inner circle, but I can't help myself. I have some advice, NAACP: Pick your damn battles.

You've got real issues to face in America. For example, the travesty that is New Orleans. Comedy's new predilection towards overt racism. Educational segregation. A GOP that's not even pretending to try anymore.

So why are you defending Mike Vick's "mistake"?

Here are some actual snippets from the AP coverage of your press conference today. These went out in your name, NAACP.

"As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football," said R.L. White, president of the group's Atlanta chapter. "We further ask the NFL, Falcons, and the sponsors not to permanently ban Mr. Vick from his ability to bring hours of enjoyment to fans all over this country."

I sincerely hope that Mr. White isn't actually speaking for the NAACP organization, but is merely an embittered Falcons fan trying to imagine a future beyond the Joey Harrington-inspired nightmares to come. Because that would be better than what this statement implies -- that the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People has decided to prioritize the restoration of "hours of enjoyment to fans" by an endo-smoking, herpes-distributing, pseudonym-using dog butcher who never really picked up the West Coast offense.

White said the Falcons quarterback made a mistake and should be allowed to prove he has learned from that mistake.

Here's a list of actions that might be legitimately considered mistakes: Forgetting to leave cash for the bar tab. Eating cream cheese that's been sitting in your fridge for a year. Asking a Scientologist whether you should choose Prozac or Zoloft. Sticking your dwarf prong into a vacuum cleaner.

Here's a list of actions that go well beyond the definition of "mistakes": Cigar-banging an intern who's the same age as your daughter. Lying about where you live so you can get elected to public office, and then immediately using said office to shake down business owners. Toppling a dictator without a plan for stabilizing the country. Buying a mansion deep in the Virginia boonies so you can finance and operate a multi-state dog fighting enterprise far from the public eye.

Honestly, NAACP, you're going to focus your energies on Ron Mexico? At the expense of the criminal justice system, political disenfranchisement, and Carlos Mencia? I know this hasn't done much for you in the past, but please listen to this non-black man: Drop it. Please. You're not advancing anyone.

***

Elsewhere:

The entire American economy in 10 words.

Minesweeper: The Movie

Urban women out-earn men

Sippy Cups for Satan

These days in our fair city by the Bay, it's impossible not to notice the One Rincon Hill tower, a gigantic condo skyscraper arising next to the freeway south of Market. (It's the 500-foot-tall construction project on the right above.) SOMA has been a ghost town for years, dominated by the elevated approach from 101 and the Bay Bridge. But soon it will house thousands of new residents. After One goes up, next will be a second Rincon tower, followed by a skyscraper at the Transbay Terminal a few blocks away that promises to be the tallest residential building on the west coast.

Wow! More housing supply! High density planning! Easy access to public transit! This is every San Francisco urban evangelist's wet dream, right?

Local writer Mary McFadden would beg to differ, in the most batshit possible manner:

Scary Monsters Looming Above City

A huge, scary monster is growing in San Francisco's South of Market area. Like an atomically deranged creature from a 1950s horror movie, the first of the Rincon Towers is oozing upward, sucking light from sky and street. Its three-block shadow chills the hearts of all who pass under it, even for a moment.

You see, in McFadden's odd world, skyscrapers are evil creations by mad scientists. And the result is the most entertaining Chron op-ed in memory.

Bred for expensive, high-density housing... the black blob makes it obvious that urban planning in San Francisco is run by the Boys from Brazil and architects who used to design sippy cups for Satan.

At least once every six months, San Franciscans, Angelenos and New Yorkers need to leave town for a week and visit "America," that odd, normal place where most Americans live. Because you forget.

In McFadden's memory of non-SF-World, Manhattan is the hellhole of skyscrapers, and the tall buildings going up in SOMA -- a part of the world where almost no one lives now -- are the harbingers of destruction for SF's other 48 square miles of neighborhoods. It's sort of like, if gay people marry in Massachusetts, my straight marriage in Dallas doesn't stand a chance.

***

Following the recent attempted terrorist attacks in the UK, Rudy Giuliani alerted the press that he was available for comment.

Rudy Giuliani : Terrorism :: Steve Forbes : Flat Tax

I guess "Trump nuzzled my rack" won't win over South Carolina primary voters.

***

I've never gotten behind the whole "impeach Bush" thing, because I think if you make incompetence impeachable, you get permanent political instability. The Constitution is designed so that the fools in each branch check and balance the other fools.

But after Dick Cheney's whole "I'm not in the executive branch" argument against sunshine and accountability, I believe the American people have a responsibility to remove him from office. If the Vice President takes actions to subvert checks and balances, which is the very prime basis of the Constitution, then he has committed a crime against the American citizenry. Time for Dick to go.

You Will Miss Him

Deep in the heart of the Mission, an artist has posted a wall's worth of prints of Dubya staring at his own visage with an empty thought bubble. In true Web 2.0 fashion, the art has become a platform for user-generated content, albeit with Sharpies and crayons.

The result has been the jokes you'd expect. You know, cocaine, abuses of power, that kinda stuff. But I think this one really captures a great truth.

"You will miss me!"

Indeed, for a billion people on planet Earth, and perhaps 100 million in the USA, hating Dubya has been religion. When he cleans out the Oval Office, it will be like the New York Yankees folding. He's a horned pariah, a scapegoat, an icon of all that's wrong in the world.

But Bush isn't the problem. Yes, he does represent the worst of America's personality -- our anti-intellectualism, our over-reliance on faith, our apathy, our ambivalence towards reason, our fear of the darkness, our exhaustion, our deliberate unwillingness to hop out of the frog-pot before it boils. But these are our problems, and replacing Bush with another suit won't fix a single one of them. In 2009, when we're still no smarter, cleaner, or less deadly than we should be, we'll miss having Bush to kick around.

Sure, everyone's "green" now. Hell, every corporation in the S&P 500 is putting a f***ing windmill on their website. But even with climate change finally getting 10% of Paris Hilton's share of the zeitgeist, sales of the largest-size SUVs were up 25% year-over-year in April. Suck it, next generation.

Meanwhile, the good people at Proctor & Gamble have eco-fever. Yes, P&G is doubling the concentration of their laundry detergent brands to cut back on water and packaging. Great idea! How can we the people fuck this up? Sayeth last night's Marketplace:

A poll a few years ago shows only 49 percent of Americans had ever read the directions on a detergent package.

WOMAN: I don't measure my laundry detergent anyway — I just dump some in.

And that average detergent user is not unique. An unscientific survey on the streets of Los Angeles shows a smaller package alone would be unlikely to change behavior.

ANOTHER WOMAN: I might not notice. I might just continue to use the same amount.

(Granted, both Woman and Another Woman were interviewed on the sidewalk in Los Angeles, a place not known for reading.)

Sure, there is hope for the USA. A more competent and mentally agile POTUS may make the world more peaceful and American prosperity more sustainable. But the SUV binge, Al Qaeda's attacks on America, and P. Diddy's career all started when Bill Clinton was president. When Dubya goes, will America finally look in the mirror?

God Save Us from Your Candidates for Higher Office

Before we begin: GO WARRIORS! That was phenomenal. Basketball is now jazz. The Mavs defined every reason I stopped watching pro hoops around the turn of the millenium, and the Warriors why the Association has brought me back, at least until they're inevitably whacked, and some slow-ass team wins another boring championship.

OK, now onto the less consequential stuff.

***

After watching the unwieldy, ludicrous battles-royale that they called the first 2008 Presidential Debates, I can say one thing: We're in a whole heapa trouble.

(Also, can we not call these events "debates"? They're no more "debates" than they are telenovelas or crush films.)

Last night's GOP show was especially painful -- four of the 10 white Christian men were either nuts, rock-stupid, or both, and the bang-bang-bang format rewarded soundbites at the expense of everything else. We did learn that seven of the 10 believe in science evolution, which was refreshing. But we also learned the great failing of candidates who come from the US Senate, and not just because McCain was all squinty and foul-tempered.

For example, did you know that the primary advantage that senators have over former governors and mayors is foreign policy knowledge and experience? Well, Sam Brownback will set you straight. Warning: This is the single dumbest thing said during the 2008 race, except maybe Jim Gilmore saying he's qualified to be President because he eliminated the Virginia car tax.

Sen. Brownback: I think you have to remember that while we're in a war on terrorism, there are a number of people that are with us, that work with us around the world, and also in the Islamic world. We're partnering with a number of moderate Muslim regimes.

And that's something I think we need to convey into the Muslim world as well, that these are groups -- the Al Qaida group, the militant Islamic fascists -- they're trying to unseat moderate Muslim regimes.

And I think we need to engage those regimes -- regimes in Pakistan, regimes in Egypt...

You see, we need to convey to the Muslim world that America is working closely with two moderate Muslim governments, both of which are military dictatorships that repress all dissent with violence and rigged elections. Once the Muslims understand this, we'll totally win them over.

And as for the Democrats...

John vs. Jon -- a Catastrofu**

Update: Big ups to Michael Weiss of Slate for the quote and link.

Last night's scuffle with John McCain was easily the most exciting and worst-conducted interview Jon Stewart has ever perpetrated.

Sen. McCain came out ornery, as if he wanted to instantly and simultaneously alienate the host, the studio audience and pretty much everyone in America. He led off with joke about bringing Stewart the gift of I.E.D. from Iraq, which went over like a lead I.E.D. Five seconds later, he talked about his desire to kick a dog. Way to go, McCain!

The discussion devolved into a gory death spiral, with McCain spewing the usual platitudes about the US role in the Iraqi Civil War, and Stewart bludgeoning him with the types of questions that the press should be asking. But sadly, Stewart went all O'Reilly on McCain, steamrollering him when he should have shut up to listen to him. Honestly, it was embarrassing.

Bear witness, parts 1 & 2:

Balance Bar Gold Crunch with Other Balance Bar Gold Crunch with Mike Huckabee

Mmmm, this Balance Bar Gold Crunch is so packed with exquisite peanutty flavor, it deserves every one of the three fonts in its brand. (You see, it's the "Crunch" sub- product line of the "Gold" sub- product line of the "Balance Bar" product line.)

But what could make this product so tasty? So naturally tasty?

Of course! Natural flavor with other natural flavor!

***

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee was on Meet the Press this morning, declaring his intent to run for President. In his segment, he did not back away from his assessment of President Bush's job performance as "magnificent"; he implied that an anti-abortion position separates America from the terrorists; and he blamed a Willie Horton-style sentence commutation on Bill Clinton.

In other words, horseshit with other horseshit.