rangelife

"700 Dollar DUI," a One-Act Play Stolen from Real Life

Setting: a half-empty theater at the AMC Van Ness, 30 minutes before a screening of Talladega Nights.

Characters: "RONNIE," a 25-ish white man with a shaved head and sunglasses hanging from his ears and below his chin. "MERLENE," his blonde girlfriend in a denim skirt that show off her sexy bruised legs.

Scene: RONNIE's cell phone rings, and he engages in conversation with the caller.

RONNIE: Yeah, I'm at some kind of sneak preview of Talladega Nights. It must be my reward for spending the whole day in court.

CALLER: ...

RONNIE: It went good, I guess. They got like 12 other guys with me, so it took a long time.

CALLER: ...

RONNIE: I was up for DUI, public intoxication, open container, and one other thing. The judge only fined me like 700 bucks, and also he thought I'd been arrested, so I got credit for time served, which was lucky.

CALLER: ...

RONNIE: Yeah, back when I was in Virginia, they locked me up for a week for that shit.

MERLENE: Yeah, a whole week!

CALLER: ...

RONNIE: Oh yeah, California's great.

"Unprepared," a One-Act Play Stolen from Real Life

Setting: a concession booth at UC-Berkeley's Haas Pavilion, during the first half of last night's Bears' home opener.

Characters: "CLARK," a middle-aged dad and Cal fan; "JIMMY" and "GRETCHEN," two Asian-American Cal freshmen working at the concession booth.

Scene: Clark steps up to the booth as the game rages in the arena.

CLARK: I'd like six popcorns and six Cokes, please.

JIMMY: Okay... Six popcorns and six Cokes. (JIMMY turns to GRETCHEN.) Six popcorns and six Cokes.

GRETCHEN STARTS FILLING POPCORN TUBS. JIMMY STARTS FILLING COKES.

CLARK: How much?

JIMMY: What?

CLARK: How much do I owe you?

JIMMY: Oh, um... it's, um... 18... 34 plus 18... 62 dollars. Yeah, 62.

CLARK: That doesn't sound right.

JIMMY: Wait. Um. Six times four is 24 plus six times three is 18. Which makes, um... um...... (JIMMY goes looking for paper.)

CLARK: 42.

JIMMY: What?

CLARK: 42 dollars.

JIMMY: Yeah, 42 dollars. Sorry.

(CLARK decides exact change is the best strategy. GRETCHEN and JIMMY are filling the counter with cartons of popcorns and open cups of Coke. JIMMY spills a popcorn and has to refill it.)

CLARK: Do you have a box I can stack these in?

JIMMY: (Looks around.) No, sorry, we don't.

CLARK: Really, even in back?

GRETCHEN: No, not in the back either. Sorry.

(CLARK stares at the 12 spillable items in front of him.)

CLARK: Well, do you have lids for the sodas?

GRETCHEN: No, no lids.

CLARK: Straws? Do you have straws? Or napkins?

GRETCHEN: No, sorry. We don't.

CLARK: Well, how am I going to get all this stuff to my kids without a box or any lids?

(Silence.)

"Seizures," a One-Act Play Stolen from Real Life

Setting: a crowded and smelly N-Judah, leaving Montgomery station during evening rush hour, outbound.

Characters: "JENNY," a skinny, dark-haired, white, 28-ish woman with four inches of foundation spackled onto her face; "SYLVIA," an average-sized, Hispanic, 24-ish woman with the pleasant manner of a South Dakotan.

Scene: JENNY pushes through the front door of the train and scans the six front seats. Five are occupied by older, obese, and/or sickly men and women. Squeezed into a middle seat is SYLVIA. JENNY walks up to SYLVIA and looks down at her.

JENNY: (Brusquely) Could you let me have your seat? I'm epileptic.

SYLVIA: (Pauses...) I'm epileptic, too.

JENNY: You are? Let me see your disability card.

SYLVIA: Um... Well, I haven't had seizures in a few years.

JENNY: Here, look at my disability card.

SYLVIA: Okay, sure. Please take my seat.

SYLVIA stands up. JENNY plops into the emptied seat. SYLVIA looks down at JENNY.

SYLVIA: Yeah, so I started having seizures when I was like 13, but I've been on this really good medication for a while now. What about you?

JENNY looks away and turns on her iPod.