rangelife

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 57

To you, 57 may mean Heinz steak sauce. Or perhaps the movie where tax cheatin' Wesley Snipes urges, "Always bet on black." Or Dwight muthafuggin' Stephenson.

But 57 is also the edition of FPOTN where I bring back some simple relics from South Florida.

Broward County welcomes Duff Man. Or maybe Kool-Aid Man. I'm not sure; the windows were tinted pretty dark.

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Low weakly rates for your most manly or womanly of purposes.

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Baby Gap may distribute this piece nationally, but Miami parents seem most likely to dress their two-year-olds in shirts that say, "I'm bangin' your toddler at nanny-share."

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Jew Quest. The hottest game in Boca Raton.

Correction: My friend Jay says this game is really Ed Jew Quest. It's kind of fun at first, but then it drags on way longer than you want it to.

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One last one from Matty Matt: The world's most useless wheelchair ramp.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 56

(source)

1. On an ancient Simpsons episode (that's two Simpsons references this week, people!), Principal Skinner explains to Rev. Lovejoy how he came to spot Bart in a burlesque house. He says, "I was only in there to get directions how to get away from there."

Ricky Williams is back with the decrepit Miami Dolphins. He may look like Tiki Barber now, but his attitude is all  Skinner-in-a-burlesque-house.

"It's just going to help me get to where I want to be. I want to get on with my life. I want to go back to school and pursue a profession outside of football. Playing football is the best way for me to get there."

See, he's just playing football to not play football. This is strikingly similar to my explanation of why I smoke crack at cockfights.

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2. Above the Law is a snarky blog for and about lawyers and this fahcachta legal system of ours. Naturally, their best material comes from... well, guess.

And you really won't ever see a more amusing legal document than the plaintiff's motion to recuse because, plaintiff claimed, the judge blew him back in their UM days:

During this time, Miss Barzee, while intoxicated, dismissed the apology and chalked her response up to "that time of the month" and then led the defendant to a more secluded room that was not as heavily trafficked as the rest of the house, and began what later results in fellatio and resulted in the plaintiff screaming so loud that he was later told that he may have set off an alarm in a parked car outside.

Judge denied both the allegation and the motion. The plaintiff has as much chance to winning his case as the Dolphins winning the AFC East ever again.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 55

Is Florida over?

The Wall Street Journal deigned to ask and answer this absurd question this week.

Over? No way. OK, so two major moving truck companies tallied more move-outs than move-ins last year. And school enrollment declined. And conversions from out-of-state drivers' licenses dropped.

In fact, Florida's atrocious real estate bubble, during which everyone with a mortgage broker bought an extra condo to flip, has skyrocketed housing costs by almost 2/3 in the past five years, and has also done a number on property taxes. And forget about getting affordable insurance against hurricanes. $3,000 condo fees are not unheard of.

But... over? How could such a magical land ever be "over"?

For example: Say hello to the University of South Florida. Their Bulls, who just started playing D1-A football in 2001, are currently the #6 ranked team in the country following their spirited victory over West Virginia. That's right, the Sunshine State has two teams in the top ten, and neither of them are Miami or Florida State.

Here's another crazy fact -- the University of South Florida is not located in the region known as South Florida. USF is in Tampa, up on the state's west coast. It would be as if you started a University of Northern California and plopped it in Anaheim.

So, how did USF become a football powerhouse so fast? (Click below for the filthy answer.)

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 54

Fear of a Black Men's Room

"I didn't offer to blow the guy because he's a dude and I'm gay. I did it because he's black and I'm scared of him."

Mark Foley, meet your new best friend. State Rep. Bob Allen, also John McCain's state campaign coordinator, noted anti-gay moralist, and sponsor of a bill requiring special ID cards for sex offenders, allegedly tried to pass $20 to an undercover cop in exchange for the honor of servicing said cop's genitalia. Yes, he was going to pay to catch.

But Bob Allen isn't gay. No siree. Much like Principal Skinner only entered the burlesque house for directions to get away from there, Bob only offered the compensated sex because he needed to escape the scary African Americans.

"This was a pretty stocky black guy, and there was nothing but other black guys around in the park," Allen, who is white,  told police in a taped statement  after his arrest. Allen said he feared he "was about to be a statistic" and would have said anything just to get away.

At least the police in Titusville have honor. Curt, concise, manly honor.

When Allen was being placed in a marked patrol car, he asked whether "it would help" if he was a state legislator, according to a police report. The officer replied, "No."

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And lest you think that public restroom sex is the creepiest deviance in central Florida... it's the Orlando Balloon Gathering. Big ups to Matt for this disquieting interlude.

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Finally, from Sethro on Capitol Hill comes this confluence of sex, drugs, and mercy:

Exotic Dancer Revives Client During Strip Show

According to a police report, while Nantz was dancing, she turned and faced away from Karpinski for approximately 20 seconds. When she turned around again to face him, Karpinski was slumped down on the couch and was having trouble breathing, police said.

Nantz called 911 and began to administer CPR on Karpinski because he was not conscious or breathing. Paramedics arrived at the home and were able to revive the 46-year-old to the point where he was able to breathe on his own.

And she wasn't even dressed as a naughty nurse.

Now, could we go somewhere more private? I'll pay you 20 bucks if I could perform CPR on you.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 53

I grew up shooting an assortment of rifles and revolvers at large appliances in the Everglades. Yeah, it was probably illegal and not environmentally progressive, but that meat freezer had it coming.

So I'm obviously not some kind of reverse-gun nut or anything. But you gotta admit the undeniability of one fact -- more guns in a society mean more gun murder. Well, more murder, really. Sure, the NRA suckers live in a fantasy dimension where a few teachers with concealed heat could have kept the Columbine or Virginia Tech massacres in check. But you just don't hear about those kind of mass slays, or even your run-of-the-mill revenge drive-bys, in meek low-gun countries like Canada or Ireland. More guns eventually result in more gun violence. Duh.

But recently America has been facing a new scourge of deadly weaponry: swords.

You can hardly flip past a home shopping network these days without some redneck trying to sell you giant ninja blades. The katana has become the new leather couch, your prized macho accoutrement that one day a special lady will make you sell on Craiglist.

There's no background check, no mandatory cooling-off period to get a sword. And it's only a matter of time until more poker-games-gone-bad end with steel to the spleen.

But worry not, good people. Sometimes such a weapon in the home can be used for good, especially when wielded by a teenaged martial artist.

Teen Fights Off Burglar with Samurai Sword

A teenager with a brown belt in karate used a samurai sword to scare off a burglar who was after his PlayStation 3 video game console.

Last Friday afternoon, Damian Fernandez and his 15-year-old sister, Deanne Fernandez, were home alone at their northwest Miami-Dade County home while their parents were at work when they heard knocking on the front door. Moments later, two men were prying the front door unlocked, prompting Deanne to hide in her closet.

"I was so scared," she said.

As her brother slept in the next room, the burglars ransacked their parents' room, taking some jewelry before moving on to what they were really after -- a PlayStation 3...

The burglar found the empty PlayStation 3 box and ran out of the room, but Damian was waiting for him.

"Once I saw him take off running back, I jumped off my (bunk) bed and I grabbed my sword … and I just waited for him," he said.

Daaaamn! Any lonely superheroes need a boy sidekick?

Damian said he lunged at him with his samurai sword, striking him in the chest.

"He freaked out," Damian said.

The burglar ran out of the house with Damian chasing him down the road. When police arrived, a K-9 officer located the burglar hiding behind a neighbor's palm tree.

And, the sword is +7 against meth-addled recidivists who believe palm trees render them invisible.

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Hey, remember Lou Pearlman? The perverted Hutt who created harmless Orlando boy bands like 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys? Well, when the boy band thing had run its course, Lou kept his lifestyle going the Florida way -- by conning.

It was his charm, investigators say, which helped him to bilk more than 1,400 people out of hundreds of millions of dollars in a classic pyramid investing scheme...

According to Florida state officials, Pearlman swindled people out of $317 million and, more surprisingly, bilked banks out of an additional $150 million.

That money allowed him to lead a lavish lifestyle. Pearlman owned a Rolls Royce Phantom, a Gulfstream private jet and a 15,000-square-foot Florida mansion. State and federal investigators, as well as lawyers for the alleged victims, say Pearlman and his associates sold investors, many of them senior citizens, phony securities which he called an "employee investment savings account" through his company Trans Continental Airlines Inc.

He also claimed his shit was FDIC insured. Really, FDIC insured. And people believed that.

A judge put his company's assets in receivership while Pearlman was in Germany, so he did what anyone would do. He fled.

Good news: The father of the Backstreet Boys was found in Indonesia. Now he can return to Florida and start his new boy band: The Cellblock Junkiez.

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It's a hard life playing for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the dumpiest backwater in America's major pro sports. But don't be fooled -- these ballplayers know how to have fun between humiliating losses.

Why, just look at fun-loving Elijah Dukes! He jet-skis! He plays the slots! He goes over to his step-grandma's house and knocks up her 17-year-old foster daughter.

The girl, expected to give birth Nov. 5, told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. She said Dukes got angry when she and another person confronted him about the pregnancy.

"Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me," she told investigators.

What? Did you think that impregnating a teenager might be a criminal act for an adult? Nope. Sayeth Deadspin:

Dukes will not be charged with a crime. That's because, while the age of consent in Florida is 18, if the other person is 24 or younger, age of consent is only 16. The Devil Rays outfielder was born on June 26, 1984, so ... and Dukes gets in under the tag!

So keep this straight: If you're 22, you can bang your 17-year-old foster-relative. But if you and your girlfriend are 17 and you take pictures of yourselves engaging in young lust, you're both child pornographers.

...and "Florida: The Rules are Different Here" endures as the most uncommonly accurate tourism slogan ever.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 52

When I was growin' up, Memorial Day Weekend was a magical time of the year in south Florida. Right about then, you'd get your first multi-day monsoon, which would flood fields and slow the town down. And as soon as the sun broke and the water turned to steam, you'd enjoy the most horrifying annual event in America: Bug Day.

Yes, every open space would fog over with trillions of mosquitoes and gnats and chiggers and other tiny carnivores. They'd cling to your car and your face. Their carcasses would blanket the surface of your swimming pool, screen enclosure be damned. And it was then that you knew that summer, the itchy season, was here.

But that was then. All the fields have been developed into walled communities with nonsequitur names like "Oak Ridge" and "The Friendly Meadows." And it doesn't even rain in Florida anymore. I bet you could rub your legs down with sheep tallow and go for a six-mile run in June, and you still won't get even a little nibble.

Flying critters, however, are the least of the worries in the Sunshine State. In the past we've documented bulletproof gators and Burmese pythons. Now, they can add a new reptile to fear -- a giant Nile monitor lizard:

Police officers in Casselberry swarmed a retention pond behind several homes Sunday and opened fire on a large 5-foot Nile monitor lizard that has eluded trappers for weeks and forced families to keep their children and pets inside...

A trapper recently netted the animal but was pulled into the water because of the lizard's "great strength," a Casselberry police release said.

Sunday, an officer spotted the lizard sunning itself on a bank of a retention pond in the Casselberry neighborhood along Winter Park Drive south of Seminola Boulevard and fired two shots at it, hitting it once.

The officer said the lizard then scampered away after it was shot and vanished.

"Jesus, lizard!"

This heroic peace officer took some shots at the dangerous monster to protect the neighborhood kids. Surprisingly, in Florida guns aren't always used for good.

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Wendy's Manager Shot Protecting Chili Sauce

MIAMI - A manager at a fast-food restaurant was shot several times in the arm early Tuesday trying to protect the chili sauce, authorities said.

A man in the Wendy's drive-through argued with an employee because he wanted more of the condiment, police said. The worker told the customer that restaurant policy prohibited a customer from getting more than three packets. The man insisted on 10, reports said. The employee complied, but police said the customer wanted even more.

Ten hot sauce packets were not enough for this perp. I have a bad feeling about this.

The manager came out to speak to the man, said Miami-Dade police spokesman Mary Walter. The customer then shot the manager, who was taken to a hospital with injuries that were not life-threatening.

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Finally, most people in Miami don't need a piece to feel well-armed. All they need is a Camry.

For the second consecutive year, rude Miami drivers have earned the city the title of worst road rage in a survey released Tuesday...

South Miami resident Erik Pinto told The Associated Press that he has probably seen every bad driving habit on Miami's roads.

"You don't want to know what I've seen," Pinto said. "I've seen everything. I'm from L.A., and we don't see the crazy drivers that you see here."

That sound you hear? That's 3 million people in Dade county saying "No duh."

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 51

Florida's having some rough days. For example, it's now on fire. Much of the state is suffering from drought, ironically under the constant threat of hurricanes and flooding. And the first named storm of the season is circling off the coast -- in May.

But occasionally a FPOTN story so transcends brilliance, mentioning it on a blog seems nearly... unworthy. Heretical, even.

Oh, screw it.

Armless Driver Gets Away from Police

NEW PORT RICHEY - For about eight minutes on Tuesday, through the streets near downtown, police chased a driver who had no arms and one good leg. He got away...

Authorities say the driver was Michael Francis Wiley, 40, who overcame three amputations, taught himself to drive with stumps and proceeded to become one of Pasco County's most accomplished traffic violators.

His license has been suspended so many times that driving itself has become a felony.

Which brings us to Tuesday, about 12:50 p.m., when a New Port Richey Police officer spotted Wiley in a suspicious vehicle - a blue Ford Explorer - at a convenience store off U.S. 19, according to Capt. Darryl Garman. When the officer went to investigate, the Explorer took off... About 1 p.m., the officers broke off the chase because it could have put others in danger, Garman said...

In 1998, while driving a green Corvette, he led deputies down Interstate 75 at nearly 120 mph... According to court records, Wiley has stolen a car, kicked a state trooper and attacked his wife headfirst. He is awaiting trial on separate drug and illegal-driving charges. He faces up to five years in prison.

Most Ford Explorers have automatic transmissions, though several people say Wiley is perfectly competent with a stick shift.

"He is one of the best drivers I've ever seen in my life, " said Lee Michie, a longtime acquaintance. "But he's the worst person I've ever met."

I told you no Internets could do this story justice. I'm waiting for the movie. Billy Bob Thornton, you were born to be Michael Wiley.

Much love to Rachel, David, and Wil, each who had the common decency to tip me to this.

But wait, there's more. Horrifying, shameful more. After the jump.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 50

I know. It's sad out there. While President Bush is busy doing everything in his power to make sure this type of tragedy never happens again, I figured some Florida Fun might lighten the mood.

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Imagine if a friend were to tell you, "Put on some fresh drawers. I'm bringing over 'The Gift of Florida' right now."

You'd probably immediately get yourself prepared for a very long night, the kind that ends in a stranger's bathtub with a Venezuelan hand model and beagle named Frank.

But you'd be disappointed. For The Gift of Florida is benign.

And there are no special ingredients.

And lest you believe that the good people of the Sunshine State might have mixed in an unlisted surprise, take note that The Gift of Florida is really a Gift of Betrayal.

Like an American flag sewn in the People Republic of China, Florida has outsourced its sunshine.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 49

There are your Florida stories, and there are your uniquely FPOTN stories. For example:

Typical Florida story: Man tries to rob store with machete. FPOTN story: Shopkeeper fights back with her own machete.

Typical Florida story: Woman scammed online by Nigerians. FPOTN story: Woman scammed online by Nigerians for sex.

Typical Florida story: DEA agent brings a live and loaded pistol into a classroom. FPOTN story: Immediately after bragging about his training and qualifications, DEA agent discharges the weapon into his own foot.

Another typical Florida story would be an elderly woman (or a "GOMER," as we used to call 'em back in the day) crashing her car into a building. When that building is the DMV, where 80-year-old Therese Smith was about to re-take a driving test, you're getting into FPOTN territory.

But this... this is the koo-de-grah:

Inexplicably, a man in a Superman costume could be seen walking around the car, but he did not stop to help the driver or any of the victims.

Did not help? Authorities are on the lookout for Richard Pryor in a US Army general's uniform.

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And here's another bit of Floridouchebaggery from friend-of-the-blog Matt.

The city of Largo, a coastal suburb of Tampa-St. Pete, has taken action to dismiss Steve Stanton, who has been city manager since 1993. Stanton's offense? A pending sex change operation.

Oh sure, the commissioners say they fired him because of "performance" -- coincidentally a week after the St. Pete Times outed his intentions to become Susan -- but, well, this is Florida. It gets stupider.

The cops, you see, decided to arrest human rights activist Nadine Smith for the crime of handing out flyers in Stanton's defense. Protected free speech? More like public endangerment!

Fliers present a fire hazard; plus, when they end up on the floor, people can slip on them, McMullen said.

Also, in Florida elections can cause traffic accidents. Or, more likely, botched wars.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 48

We don't usually rock three FPOTN entries in a row, but... you gotta go with your "A" material. And the quality tips keep rollin' in. This first entry comes our way from the proprietor of the only hockey blog you'll ever need, Off Wing Opinion.

What do you call a 16-year-old girl and her 17-year-old boyfriend, who take snapshots of themselves making whoopee and then email them from the girlfriend's account to the boyfriend's account?

Child pornographers!

From the files of "Those Tallahassee Attorneys: What Won't They Prosecute?" comes this sordid story that proves that Franz Kafka -- bless his dark heart -- had some Sunshine in him after all. Not only were the teens convicted, but the conviction was held up on appeal.

Judge James Wolf, a former prosecutor, wrote the majority opinion.

Wolf speculated that Amber and Jeremy could have ended up selling the photos to child pornographers ("one motive for revealing the photos is profit") or showing the images to their friends. He claimed that Amber had neither the "foresight or maturity" to make a reasonable estimation of the risks on her own. And he said that transferring the images from a digital camera to a PC created innumerable problems: "The two computers (can) be hacked."

Got that? Amber and Jeremy, by virtue of taking pictures of themselves, pictures that they could potentially sell or lose, are now convicted sex offenders. 

Radley Balko puts it best:

Oh, but there's more. From the majority opinion:

Further, if these pictures are ultimately released, future damage may be done to these minors' careers or personal lives. These children are not mature enough to make rational decisions concerning all the possible negative implications of producing these videos.

Emphasis mine. And what effect, I wonder, does Judge Wolf think a child pornography conviction will have on "these minors' careers or personal lives?"

Also note that the acts themselves weren't illegal. Only the "documentation" of them.

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Meanwhile, down south, there's been something about Miami that's been gnawing at my soul: In the glorious American real estate bubble of this decade, perhaps no place in the universe has been more bubblicious than downtown Miami, once a humble cluster of a dozen high-rises, now a steel forest of construction cranes erecting condominiums that flippers snapped up before ground ever broke.

Forget your random TriBeCa rehabs or your weak-ass SOMA gentrification. Downtown Miami is being transformed like Dubai or Ashlee Simpson's face. Hundreds of thousands of units are coming online the coming years, constructed by billions of dollars of capital flows from all over the planet.

And yet, here's the unspoken rub: In the coming decades, these investments will be underwater. Literally.

Here's Miami with a teeny tiny one-meter ocean level rise. The red parts are land reclaimed by the Atlantic.

And a not-entirely-unlikely two-meter rise:

Ah yes. Undersea retail. Salt water pools. Glitzy.

You can have your own fun plotting a watery doomsday for Miami or your own personal Sodom with the University of Arizona Department of Geosciences Environmental Studies Lab. Booyah!