I can't stop watching this. Anybody got any Weng Weng on VHS?
I can't stop watching this. Anybody got any Weng Weng on VHS?
60 Minutes, a show produced by and for World War I veterans, has instructed us 30-somethings to get the fuck out the way.
This pleases me dramatically. You see, the Boomers and their ancestors enjoyed defining our entire generation as cynical slackers, their primary evidence being two movies that grossed about $21M combined, or about 1/6 as much as The Flintstones movie. But Gen X's decade is done. Now the Millennials are in for a good reaming.
"Millenials put themselves first, like to be pampered, and aren't sorry for it." They also apparently all look like Comic Book Guy. ("Is there a word in Klingon for loneliness?") And even their moniker is a real bitch to spell. Is it one "n" or two?
Also, according to the 60 Minutes piece:
While this generation has extraordinary technical skills, childhoods filled with trophies and adulation didn't prepare them for the cold realities of work.
"You now have a generation coming into the workplace that has grown up with the expectation that they will automatically win, and they'll always be rewarded, even for just showing up," Crane says.
Praised throughout their no-failure childhoods, surgically attached to their iPods and mobiles and assorted gadgetry, the Millen(n)ials wander through their coddled lives making demands and expecting attention. Mommy got them into college, and Daddy wrote their resumes. If you don't praise them like little babies, they'll ditch you for another boss. Or as an ad exec puts it:
"If you don't want me, Mr. Employer, I'll go sell myself down the street. I'll probably get more money. I'll definitely get a better experience. And by the way, they'll adore me. You only like me."
Of course, what the 60 Minutes report totally misses is that the primary difference between this gen and the last isn't the self esteem or the iPods: It's the job market, stupid.
Gen X joined the economy at a lousy time. As globalization and recession hollowed out the middle class, the new adults of the early '90s had no sense of their place in the future. In 1994, there were no stock options, no Web 2.0 startups, just dead-end McJobs and territorial Boomer bosses with mortgages. For some it created a sense of cynicism. For others it created a sense of focus. For too many, it created a path to law school.
But today's new college grad was 9 or 10 years old when Netscape IPO'd. With the exception of a minor slowdown that started right around Dubya's first inauguration, the Millennials have only known boom times. As our dollar-depressed, housing bubble-busted economy drags downward, so will a young whippersnapper's ability to job-hop their way to Nirvana.
So move over, Gen X. There's a new generation to stereotype and abuse. And they'll have to miss that 2pm meeting. They have yoga.
I'm always surprised when people are surprised that I've failed to opine on some Great Topic. And so to those who want to know what I think about the firing of Don Imus, now that this story is a century old, here it is. And because it was Corporate America who claimed Imus's scalp, I'll present my feelings in bulletpoints.
So in the end, I'm glad Imus was fired, and I hope that this is a victory for context.
On a lighter note, not everyone is treated so fairly by Corporate America. Here is an example of how to pull off an edgy racial joke with proper context. It's also a reminder what a treat the 12:55am sketch became in the Will Ferrell era.
Careful with that trident!
The gentlemen who were arrested for yesterday's Aqua Teen Hunger Force-related hysteria are treating the situation with every ounce of incredulous contempt it deserves.
I don't have many heroes with dreadlocks, but Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens deserve the Congressional Medal of Freedom.
(Word to SFist.)
Dear Gavin Newsom,
Thank you, thank you, thank you for admitting you scromped your campaign manager's wife today. Awesome timing. You're the best. How does Secretary of Health & Human Services sound?
Sincerely, Joe Biden
P.S.: Why do we need a whole month just to honor one guy?
P.P.S: From now on, I'm calling you Count Fuckula. (Ever watch Extras?)
So this is where our culture lies? This is the endgame? A musical based on a forgetable powderpuff of a Reese Witherspoon movie?
America has officially quit. Sure, you figured this out years ago. That makes you brighter than Mick LaSalle, who decided to review Epic Movie.
Is this an entirely cynical act, or is someone actually proud of this? This question is not really within the appropriate scope of a review, yet "Epic Movie" is so bereft of anything resembling wit or inspiration, that the mind immediately goes to questions of motive -- as though it were a crime. What were the perpetrators, uh filmmakers, thinking?
They were thinking that the Scary Movie franchise -- an annual survey of disjointed references to whatever movies came out the week before -- is a factory-farmed golden goose on antibiotics. And that's all. You think the people behind Legally Blond: The Musical are living their lifelong creative dreams? How about Thomas Harris? How about anyone working at Spike?
Damn, Mick LaSalle, now you're making me wistful. I remember when I first had that inkling that maybe some people in show business were only in it for the money. I was eight years old, and Bo & Luke Duke suddenly disappeared, replaced overnight by despised clone-cousins Coy & Vance.
A quarter century has since passed. Oh what I would have given, Mick LaSalle, to live in your technicolor mindworld where pop culture is art produced by artists for art's sake.
But, sadly, I turned nine.
About eight months ago, the wife saw an ad on Craigslist for marketing director at Adult Swim.
"You could totally get that job, and it would be so cool," she said.
"Maybe, but we'd have to move to Atlanta."
Well, it looks like that job's about to open up again.
Conservatives often claim that liberals only protest wars to feel good about themselves. This time, they're right.
Second Life Avatars Against the War. Are they fucking kidding?
1. Katt Williams does a hysterical joke about a certain ethnicity's relationship with baby strollers. Basically, if your kids can push themselves with their feet, they're too big for a stroller. Amen.
C'mon lady, get your daughter out of that wheelchair and help her with her college apps!
2. Speaking of college apps, Vice has a brutal enthnography of cliques at Sayreville High School in New Jersey, comparing today, the mid-to-late '90s, and the ancient pre-Clinton generation. The illustrations are especially fantastic, and, being Vice, the copy is ruthless. In 20 years, Asians will rule America and white people will be the great underclass demanding the hand-up.
You ARE a fkn moron. By the way your review of NJ sounds, you must be some P.W.T idiot. Do your research... Did you know that Short Hills, NJ is home to many celebrities and is one of the highest income per capita communities in the whole country? Please do us a favor and don't ever bring your ignorant P.W.T mindset and unjustifiable ramblings to our beautiful state again. See you possibly when you are able to make enough money to live here. Stupid bitch.
I emailed NewJerseyMan to inquire about the abbreviation "P.W.T." He was kind enough to clarify "P.W.T. = Poor White Trash = you, semen." Can't argue with that.
But then today I got another surprise comment that began, "New Jersey is America's sewer - filled with ignorant, loud, rude and angry people." How did this gentleman find the post? By Googling "short hills jew bitch," for which this humble site ranks second. And soon after I click Publish... first.
4. Speaking of Google searches, as for the gentleman (or lady) searching for "preferred firearm for shooting alligators," the answer is -- something with "bunker buster" technology. Don't you know that alligators sprinkle bullets on children before swallowing them?
5. Speaking of violence, The Economist year-end double issue is pretty much the best thing that happens between Thanksgiving and the NFL playoffs, and this year is no exception. Check this graf about a Pushtun man (remember them? from the Afghanistan war?) being served some Pushtunwali justice:
For 25 years he squabbled with a cousin over which of them would inherit an uncle's lands, until Mr Khan killed his cousin and his cousin's sons and grandson. Then he killed their uncle. This was excessive, Mr Khan conceded; he had committed the crime of miratha—annihilating every male in the rival camp. The jirga decreed that two of Mr Khan's houses be destroyed, and fined him 500,000 rupees (about US$8,200). He thought this harsh.
6. Saddam, unfortunately for him, is not Pushtun. We should all thank him for the comic relief he supplied to the depressing Iraq story this year. In mere hours, he'll finally get to meet his bottom.
7. Speaking of descendants of the Middle East, big ups to With Leather for promoting a video that demonstrates the power of Chanukah in the National Basketball Association:
Ricky Davis: Happy Chanukah. You guys have fun, and blow out all the candles!
Elie Seckbach: No, we don't blow them out.
Ricky Davis: Oh, well then keep 'em torched!
And that's all for 2006. Happy New Year, and keep 'em torched, Superheroes.
We all love spam. If it weren't for spam, how would we have achieved this utopia of 11-inch wangs and universal penny stock prosperity?
But every now and then, a spam comes that transcends the missives from Nigerian royalty in exile.
Subject: Great way to stand up for Christmas
Special message from Concerned Friends For Christmas
The secularists and the media have once again ramped up their aggressive assault on Christmas. But even worse... The media and entertainment elites are trying to ignore the one effort from Hollywood in the past 50 years to bring the Christmas story to the theatres!
Of course, you already know about the War On Christmas, the silent assault being funded by an international cabal of Jewish financiers who hate Christianity.
The Nativity Story (now playing across the nation) marks the first time in 50 years that a Christian Bible story has been turned into a major motion picture by a major movie studio -- New Line Cinema (which gave us the Lord of the Rings trilogy).
...and also The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. Devout Christians, those New Liners.
This week, take a personal stand against the secularists and the media elite -- and more importantly, FOR the Christmas story -- by taking your family to see The Nativity Story. The Nativity Story represents a dramatic departure from Hollywood's usual despicable treatment of Bible-believing Christians.
Again -- those who want to strip any sign of Christmas from our communities do not want this movie to succeed. Please take your family to see The Nativity Story this week.
Concerned Friends For Christmas
Who are Concerned Friends for Christmas? Nobody.
And in case you can't make it to the multiplex this weekend, you can always stick it to the Hollywood Homosexua-cracy by answering the U.S. Taxpayer Census. Hint: This census reveals the shocking truth about the gay-loving AARP.
Speaking of international Jewish financiers trying to destroy America, George Soros demands you worship his villainous and stunningly-rendered visage in Freedom In Peril: Guarding the 2nd Amendment in the 21st Century, a graphic novel commissioned by the heroes at the National Rifle Association.
Also righteously demonized -- Michael Moore, Rosie, and the all-powerful Ray Nagin.
Dryel allows you to clean dry-clean-only clothes in your home dryer. And who could provide a theme song for such a powerful domestic consumer product? Go the Dryel website, and listen to the ad that starts running on the homepage. Hint: Sharif won't like it.
Word up to my man Dalton for his "Hello My Name Is" project. Brooklyn never looked so good.
2000 was the Year of Satire. The only thing anyone remembers from the Bush-Gore debates was when Bush said "Strategery." Except Will Ferrell said it. More and more college kids discovered The Daily Show. And a poll showed that a disturbing number of American adults considered comedy and talk shows to be primary news sources.
And 2006 will be the Year Satire Died.
How do I know? Watch this man in a necktie sing a parody of U2's "One," with the lyrics changed to celebrate the merger of America's biggest bank and biggest credit card issuer:
Now, I'm not being mean to Jim DuBois, the rock star above. He's probably a decent, hard-working guy with a 529 college fund for his kids. Yes, he should have ditched the necktie, and he could have chosen a more appropriate sing to lampoon. (It's not as bad as, say, Mervyn's hammering its name into "My Sharona," but a more hopeful and celebratory song would have been less reminiscent of David Brent.)
Anyway, this work of art posted to YouTube on Nov. 8. And then this happened last Saturday, just ten days later:
That's David Cross providing the literal read of the B-of-A/MBNA merger song. It's obviously pointless to parody a parody song, but you can ironically cover a parody song and still get your point across. And when David Cross can transform a corporate event video on YouTube into a stage performance in just one week, satire no longer becomes necessary -- a word-for-word re-creation suffices.
And isn't satire dying anyway? The Daily Show often devolves into an anti-Bush polemic and has lost its funniest correspondents (exceptions: Hodgman, Jones). There's nary a clever sketch comedy show on television anymore; even the "sketches" on Studio 60 are preachy and unamusing. The major targets for satire -- politicians, celebrities, corporations -- are so cartoonish, it's hardly of any use to make fun.
Need some more evidence that satire is on a feeding tube? Fox "News" is launching a right-leaning version of The Daily Show. Problem: Irony is like Sanskrit to conservatives. This has the same prospects for success as an action-adventure show produced by Rob Reiner. Oh, wait:
The half-hour show is executive produced by "24's" Joel Surnow and Manny Cota.
And we all know that if there's one thing that sets 24 apart, it's its sense of humor. "WHERE IS HASSAN HIDING THE NERVE GAS?!? DAMNIT!"
"It's not going to hit you over the head with partisan politics," Surnow said. "It'll hit anything that deserves to be hit."
Fair and balanced, like the rest of Fox "News."
The title "This Just In" was scrapped after producers found out the name was being used by an HBO-AOL production.
Also, it used to be the title of the second segment on The Daily Show.
At least it wouldn't take much to make the Fox version's cast more racially diverse than Comedy Central's. Now wouldn't that be ironic?
What does the Israeli assault on Hizbollah in Lebanon have to do with OJ Simpson? They were guilty, and they were framed.
As with everything else surrounding the perma-conflict in the Middle East, your opinion of the recent Israel-Hizbollah war seems predetermined by the opinions you already held about Israel, Arabs, Islam, Zionism, or terrorism. So it is that the pro-Israel world jumped all over the revelations that some photographers and editors were staging and even altering pictures to make the damage in Lebanon look more severe. One of the photogs, Adnan Hajj, enhanced the smoke over Beirut (see above) in such a hackneyed way that a color-blind orangutan should have been able to spot the Photoshop chicanery. (Seriously, the Daily Show has better Photoshops than that crap.) And now the right-wingers who think the world media is universally comprised of anti-Western, pro-Islam leftists get to trot this out as evidence for their paranoia.
The fact remains that even if unscrupulously scummy photogs, journalists and editors are staging and doctoring the war's visuals, Israel still bombed the shit out of Lebanon and killed a lot of people, albeit in the pursuit of their own survival. But just as the Los Angeles DA and LAPD let OJ escape whatever justice he deserved by unethically padding an already airtight case, anti-Israel elements of the media have cast doubt on whatever case they were trying to make to the world. CBS News was guilty of this, too; the righteous scandal about false documents overshadowed the fact that President Bush still never reported for Guard duty during Vietnam. They were guilty, and they were framed.
(I'm not really comparing Israel to OJ. The analogy would only be fair if Nicole had been slipping ground glass into his oatmeal and dropping her Sony Watchman into the hot tub when he was taking a schvitz.)
Amid all the hubbub, CNET ran a wicked photo gallery of famous doctored pictures, from OJ's darkened Time cover to John Kerry's non-appearance with Hanoi Jane. But of all of them, I think this one is still my all-time favorite:
Can you guess which person on the cover of Wisconsin's 2001-2002 application booklet was not at Camp Randall that day?
Etiquette quiz stolen from real life. Please answer all questions in order.
1. If you're going to a 10pm showing of Pirates II, whom are the least appropriate people to take with you?
a. your favorite hooker and her pimp
b. a dude you met on J-Date who you suspect might be lying about being Jewish
c. a cursed friend who's constantly transforming into a donkey
d. your three kids, aged 8 years, 5 years, and 18 months
Answer: d. Three very young, fidgety, rotten kids.
2. Say you've decided to take your three very young children to the 10pm screening of Pirates II. How should you absolutely not handle the situation?
a. Sit in the nice stadium seats along with all the grown-ups
b. Give the two older boys one soda to share, and then ignore them while they fight over it
c. Hold the toddler in your lap while she cries and babbles, and then let her wander around the theater until she falls down and wails
d. All of the above.
Answer: d. Also, maybe you shouldn't outsource the shushing and "stop kicking the seats" to all the other people sitting near the older boys.
3. Why is it inappropriate to take three small children to a 10pm screening of Pirates II?
a. 200 grownups in the theater spent 10 bucks a piece to hear your boys wrestle over Sprite and your baby chatter like a monkey on meth.
b. The movie is dark and very violent and not intended for little kids. Did you ever think that maybe the "13" in PG-13 stood for something? Maybe you should have taken them to that cartoon about the transsexual cow instead.
c. Um, shouldn't they have been in bed hours ago?
d. All of the above.
Answer: d. Also, screw you for ruining the movie for everyone, and for obviously dooming your children to a lifetime of health and emotional dysfunction, June H. Cleaver.
4. What is the only acceptable reason for bringing three small children to a 10pm screening of Pirates II?
a. You just flew in from Japan, and you all think it's 11am the next day.
b. Grampa's drunk again, and you better get away from the trailer until he passes out.
c. You're hoping someone will kidnap one or two of the little monsters so you can get on Dateline and have a fourth with Stone Phillips.
d. None of the above.
Answer: d. You get a goddamned babysitter.