Rangelife

America's Steel Menace, part 8

Six pounds of (reasonably priced) sword takes apart twenty pounds of beef, like "Flick flick flick."

Aren't you glad knowing that anyone can own this?

America's Steel Menace, Part 7

"He wasn't a ninja," Guglielmi said.

This one's really been making the rounds. Thanks to alert Baltimorean Josh as well as my stupid sister for alerting me to it.

Have you ever been burgled? It's a stuff kick in the gut that leaves you with dreadful feelings of violation and powerlessness. Knowing that someone's been in your house, dug through your stuff, and taken whatever shiny things struck his fancy... not a great source of dopamine.

Well, somebody broke into Johns Hopkins undergrad John Pontolillo's house on Sunday and stole a couple laptops and a videogame console. So John wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind when he heard another intruder mere hours later.

John did what many Americans would do -- he grabbed his samurai sword and stabbed and sliced the perp to death.

The police spokesman said the student who wielded the weapon had no advanced sword training. "He wasn't a ninja," Guglielmi said. "He may have been moderately trained or on the intermediate level."

Let that be a lesson, burglars. Even Baltimore's chubby, Old Bay-snorting non-ninjas wield their steel with lethal effectiveness (and we're not even including Ray Lewis). In fact, Charm City has a history of sword kills going back almost 20 years. It's a wonder Baltimore even has crime at all anymore.

America's Steel Menace, part 6

In previous episodes of America's Steel Menace, we've covered the astonishing prevalence of sword violence across our tired, crumbling nation.

But perhaps we've missed another consequence of the blade against our national throat: wacky suicide FAILs.

Arizona Man Fails in Sword-Steering Wheel Suicide

Nathan Ryan, 27, in Mesa, Arizona had a curious way to killing himself. Not only did it not succeed, but he will now face likely criminal and civil charges. Ryan decided that the best way to kill himself was to tie a two-foot sword to his steering wheel — pointed to his chest. He then ran his car into a neighbor’s brick wall. The one thing that he forgot about was the air bag, which deployed, bent sword, and Ryan ended up in a very irate neighbor’s pool.

The air bag. They always forget the air bag. Whatever happened to seppuku?

America's Steel Menace, part 5

America has suffered a nasty string of gun massacres over the past three weeks. How are we responding? By buying more guns! I feel safer already.

In the spirit of liberty and self-reliance, I need to ask: Where are you keeping your sword these days?

Huh? You don't have a sword yet? Why are you still reading this, when some bladed maniac could be attacking your family right now?

April 9, 2009: Indianapolis woman dies trying to stop sword fight

A 77-year-old woman who tried to break up a heated sword fight between her grandson and brother-in-law died, and both men were hospitalized with stab wounds, police said Thursday.

Police placed her grandson, 39-year-old Chris Rondeau, under arrest on a preliminary charge of attempted murder. Stegbauer's brother-in-law, 69-year-old Adolf Stegbauer, suffered several serious stab wounds, police said.

"We're unsure yet who started this fight, how the swordplay got involved," police Sgt. Matthew Mount said. "We're not sure who it was who stabbed the woman. We'll have to do some testing on the swords and figure out who had which sword, whose blood is on which sword."

April 8, 2009: Florida couple accused of killing man with sword

A judge on Wednesday ordered separate murder trials for a couple accused of using a sword to kill the woman's stepfather, a Stuart man, whose body later turned up at the Palm Beach County landfill...

After their arrests April 25, 2008, Thornhill said Tomlinson admitted using a sword to stab Jensen in the throat and chest...

Tomlinson told authorities he stabbed Jensen "because the victim attacked him in the hallway."

"He stated the victim grabbed him by the back of the neck and squeezed hard," an affidavit stated. "When he couldn't explain how he came to have a weapon in his hand, he changed his story to say he already had the sword and was waiting for the victim to come out of his room."

April 6, 2009: California man attacks security guard with truck, sword

A Redlands man tried several times early Sunday to run over a security guard with his truck before arming himself with a sword, police said.

April 5, 2009: Wisconsin man murders neighbor with sword

A sword-wielding man tailed a neighbor into a parking lot, repeatedly stabbed him and left him to die, according to charges filed Friday.

Edlbeck was walking to his car Wednesday morning when Schams walked up beside him, pulled out the sword from underneath his black leather trench coat and stabbed Edlbeck several times, the complaint said.

Schams cut himself in the process so he called 911, saying he'd cut himself making breakfast and needed help, the complaint said. When an ambulance arrived, a neighbor alerted the responders to Edlbeck's dead body in the parking lot. Detectives questioned Schams, who said the drops of blood in the parking lot were his and that he "did it," the complaint said.

March 27, 2009: Scranton: Alcohol + believing in Satan + medieval weaponry = no good

Upon arrival, police met Mr. Frick’s girlfriend, Laura Hackney. Ms. Hackney told police that Mr. Frick had been drinking all day. She also said Mr. Frick called her a few times and said evil was after him and that he was lost.

According to the criminal complaint, Mr. Frick also told Ms. Hackney she had to die because it was her fault that Satan was still in his life.

Mr. Frick traveled to the Dreher Twp. residence, where he punched Ms. Hackney in the head. Ms. Hackney ran into a room and shut the door.

According to the criminal complaint, Mr. Frick shot at the closed door with the crossbow. Ms. Hackney, who was not struck, fled to a closet and again shut the door. Mr. Frick took a sword and stuck it through the closed door, again missing Ms. Hackney.

That was just in the last two weeks. Concerned yet?

America's Steel Menace, part 4

On the day following another mass shooting in Alabama -- this time, 10 people dead -- it might be an opportune time to explore under-regulated weaponry in America.

(Yes, Germany had a Columbine-style school massacre yesterday, as well. But don't be fooled by the gun lobby. Germany's murder rate is less than one-fifth that of America's.)

The USA has gun laws, albeit very teeny-tiny ones compared to all the other developed nations with much, much lower crime and murder rates than ours. But we do not regulate swords. And swords, which are exploding in availability on home shopping networks and in redneck souvenir shops, are America's Steel Menace.

The evidence:

March 10, 2009: Armed man arrested near Capitol.

The suspect's car was searched after he stopped to ask an officer for directions, and the officer noticed something suspicious about the man's vehicle. But get this: he was arrested at 3rd street and Pennsylvania Avenue NW for allegedly possessing two long guns, three handguns, and a sword in his vehicle. Regular readers will recall that this is the second arrest of an armed man with a sword near the Capitol in just over a year. Is Congress under clandestine attack by Samurai?

March 9, 2009: Nightmare in Texas.

The 16-year-old told police the last thing she remembered was two men dressed in black and carrying swords breaking into her bedroom. They forced her to drink some liquid and she passed out.

Feb. 24, 2009: NH man accused in sword attack.

A Gonic man was arrested last night for allegedly slashing his roommate with a samurai sword and, in an odd twist, both men were scheduled to be arraigned this morning.

Feb. 16, 2009: Fort Madison man kills roommate with sword.

A Fort Madison man accused of killing his roommate with a sword has pleaded not guilty... Police say Seigfried hit Clarence Overhulser over the head with a cast-iron sword on Jan. 25.

Feb. 4, 2009: Klingon attack!

Colorado police say a man with too much "Star Trek" on his mind used a sword modeled after the weapon carried by Klingon warriors to demand money from two convenience stores.

Feb. 4, 2009: Suspect admits to murder in Alameda sword attack.

Groom, 62, was there when police arrived and admitted to stabbing Kjersem with a Pakistani sword roughly 2 feet long with a 2-inch-wide blade, Scott said.  The two and a female friend had been in the complex playing chess over a 12-pack of beer, he said. Groom and Kjersem got into an argument, started wrestling, and Groom grabbed his sword.

Feb. 3. 2009: Man chases girlfriend with blade.

Albuquerque police said a man early Tuesday morning allegedly doused his girlfriend with lighter fluid and chased her down the street with a sword, prompting a five-hour SWAT standoff.

On one hand, we could just ignore the violent men with swords. Maybe they'll go away.

Or we can fight the swords. Swords serve no utilitarian purpose besides combat. Perhaps it's time for sword control, like the bans on switchblades or brass knuckles.

We can do this. The Sword Lobby is disorganized and dominated by idiot Foxworthy-types. Nancy Pelosi, shut 'em down.

America's Steel Menace, part 3

Clearly this is a violation of state ethics rules.

America's Steel Menace, Part 2

Blades of terror come to Utah.

Man Suspected of Attacking Woman with a Sword in Salt Lake City

A man suspected of assaulting a woman with a sword at her Salt Lake City home was taken into custody Tuesday night.

Police said Leonardo Sangredo ran from the home after hitting the woman several times with a Katana Sword...

Sangredo asked to stay with the victim during the Christmas season to visit children they had together.

Officers said Sangredo entered the house with the sword inside a sheath.  He spent time in the kitchen sharpening the sword, then went into the living room and attacked woman. She was hit at least twice causing face and head lacerations.  

No background checks, no mandatory safety training. Just buy your damn sword off QVC and then slice away.

America's steel menace

America hasn't suffered dragon or minotaur hordes in recent memory. So why do we still allow rednecks to sell swords on home shopping networks? What good can come of that?

Seriously, this is getting out of hand.

Guard fatally shoots man armed with swords at Scientology building

A security guard at the Church of Scientology's Celebrity Centre in Hollywood on Sunday shot and killed a man wielding two samurai swords, police said.

Police detained the guard for questioning but said that a surveillance tape at the facility backed his claim that he fired his semiautomatic handgun to protect himself and two colleagues...

A teenager who saw the man arrive in the parking lot said he stopped the car abruptly in the driveway and climbed out with a 5-foot sword in his hand and an angry expression on his face.

Tony Marquez, 17, said the man, who was bald and had tattoos on his arms, walked toward the building, then returned to the car to get the other sword.

This is at least the third time I've felt compelled to write about sword attacks. I'm tracking them under the category America's Steel Menace.

The NRA promotes stories of handguns used for self-defense. But are any sane, rational adults really buying swords for personal protection?

The USA Demands Sword Control

I've already bitched about the proliferation of swords in our already-violent country. These swords do not designate anyone as King, nor are they plus-anything against orcs or unicorns (Gygax, RIP). These swords are rarely used for good.

Sword nuts: I know you're thinking, "Hey! Swords don't kill people. Ninja assassins kill people. Besides, have you heard of a little thing called the Second Amendment?"

Well, fuck that. We don't need white trash heroes trying to go all Ghost Dog with a blade. Because when a man can't even watch ultra-violent pornography at top volume without facing the misdirected steel justice of his redneck neighbor, then our society is no longer free.

Florida, Pride of the Nation, Part 53

I grew up shooting an assortment of rifles and revolvers at large appliances in the Everglades. Yeah, it was probably illegal and not environmentally progressive, but that meat freezer had it coming.

So I'm obviously not some kind of reverse-gun nut or anything. But you gotta admit the undeniability of one fact -- more guns in a society mean more gun murder. Well, more murder, really. Sure, the NRA suckers live in a fantasy dimension where a few teachers with concealed heat could have kept the Columbine or Virginia Tech massacres in check. But you just don't hear about those kind of mass slays, or even your run-of-the-mill revenge drive-bys, in meek low-gun countries like Canada or Ireland. More guns eventually result in more gun violence. Duh.

But recently America has been facing a new scourge of deadly weaponry: swords.

You can hardly flip past a home shopping network these days without some redneck trying to sell you giant ninja blades. The katana has become the new leather couch, your prized macho accoutrement that one day a special lady will make you sell on Craiglist.

There's no background check, no mandatory cooling-off period to get a sword. And it's only a matter of time until more poker-games-gone-bad end with steel to the spleen.

But worry not, good people. Sometimes such a weapon in the home can be used for good, especially when wielded by a teenaged martial artist.

Teen Fights Off Burglar with Samurai Sword

A teenager with a brown belt in karate used a samurai sword to scare off a burglar who was after his PlayStation 3 video game console.

Last Friday afternoon, Damian Fernandez and his 15-year-old sister, Deanne Fernandez, were home alone at their northwest Miami-Dade County home while their parents were at work when they heard knocking on the front door. Moments later, two men were prying the front door unlocked, prompting Deanne to hide in her closet.

"I was so scared," she said.

As her brother slept in the next room, the burglars ransacked their parents' room, taking some jewelry before moving on to what they were really after -- a PlayStation 3...

The burglar found the empty PlayStation 3 box and ran out of the room, but Damian was waiting for him.

"Once I saw him take off running back, I jumped off my (bunk) bed and I grabbed my sword … and I just waited for him," he said.

Daaaamn! Any lonely superheroes need a boy sidekick?

Damian said he lunged at him with his samurai sword, striking him in the chest.

"He freaked out," Damian said.

The burglar ran out of the house with Damian chasing him down the road. When police arrived, a K-9 officer located the burglar hiding behind a neighbor's palm tree.

And, the sword is +7 against meth-addled recidivists who believe palm trees render them invisible.

***

Hey, remember Lou Pearlman? The perverted Hutt who created harmless Orlando boy bands like 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys? Well, when the boy band thing had run its course, Lou kept his lifestyle going the Florida way -- by conning.

It was his charm, investigators say, which helped him to bilk more than 1,400 people out of hundreds of millions of dollars in a classic pyramid investing scheme...

According to Florida state officials, Pearlman swindled people out of $317 million and, more surprisingly, bilked banks out of an additional $150 million.

That money allowed him to lead a lavish lifestyle. Pearlman owned a Rolls Royce Phantom, a Gulfstream private jet and a 15,000-square-foot Florida mansion. State and federal investigators, as well as lawyers for the alleged victims, say Pearlman and his associates sold investors, many of them senior citizens, phony securities which he called an "employee investment savings account" through his company Trans Continental Airlines Inc.

He also claimed his shit was FDIC insured. Really, FDIC insured. And people believed that.

A judge put his company's assets in receivership while Pearlman was in Germany, so he did what anyone would do. He fled.

Good news: The father of the Backstreet Boys was found in Indonesia. Now he can return to Florida and start his new boy band: The Cellblock Junkiez.

***

It's a hard life playing for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the dumpiest backwater in America's major pro sports. But don't be fooled -- these ballplayers know how to have fun between humiliating losses.

Why, just look at fun-loving Elijah Dukes! He jet-skis! He plays the slots! He goes over to his step-grandma's house and knocks up her 17-year-old foster daughter.

The girl, expected to give birth Nov. 5, told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. She said Dukes got angry when she and another person confronted him about the pregnancy.

"Yeah, we sat down and told him and he got mad and threw a Gatorade at me," she told investigators.

What? Did you think that impregnating a teenager might be a criminal act for an adult? Nope. Sayeth Deadspin:

Dukes will not be charged with a crime. That's because, while the age of consent in Florida is 18, if the other person is 24 or younger, age of consent is only 16. The Devil Rays outfielder was born on June 26, 1984, so ... and Dukes gets in under the tag!

So keep this straight: If you're 22, you can bang your 17-year-old foster-relative. But if you and your girlfriend are 17 and you take pictures of yourselves engaging in young lust, you're both child pornographers.

...and "Florida: The Rules are Different Here" endures as the most uncommonly accurate tourism slogan ever.