Rangelife

Truth! Move!

Print display ad for ABC-7 news chopper from this morning's SF Chronicle:

It flies to the scene
It lands on the truth.

And then the truth is splattered by 2 tons of steel and polymers.

Cosmic financial advice

I've been going to open houses lately. After years of renting and holding out, it might finally be the time to buy a home.

But then I started seeing this on my daily commute. Tell me this isn't a Warning From Above:

RENT

SAVE

WE WERE WARNED

RENT

Hmm. Maybe I'll give it a couple more years.

Two ad guys figure out what gays want...

What gays want...

"Earl, Comcast hired our agency to develop their SF Pride campaign."

"Cool, Jim. But what does Comcast have to be proud of?"

"Ha ha. I guess you haven't heard. 'Pride' is shorthand for being proud of being gay or lesbian. Or bisexual. Or something that starts with T... transvestites, maybe?"

"Weird. I thought transvestites were gays. Anyway, I didn't know that about the word 'pride.' Does that also mean straights can't say it anymore?"

"No, it's not like that, it's just... Let's focus, Earl. We need a slogan for Comcast's transport ads. This slogan is going to appear all over the Bay Area's buses and trains."

"OK, so we want show what Comcast is selling, but also that they specifically want gay customers."

"That's right, Earl. So, you're the Diversity Guy. What do gays like?"

"Dick."

"Who?"

"Well, I don't think I know any gays, but from what I see on Mind of Mencia, they seem to like dick. And balls."

"OK, let's go with a dick joke. Comcast will be pleased."

That's Elmo's Worrrrrrrrld!

Gun nuts heart Huffington Post

We're blessed to be living in the age of microtargeting. Ad systems are so smart, we can learn new things all the time just from looking at what's popping up in display ad units.

For example, did you know that Huffington Post readers love "firearm freedom"? And Ollie North? Now you do.

3conomics

Thank you, Wendy's, for introducing us to the greatest fast-food campaign since Mac & Me.

"3conomics." I love it. Really.

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Meanwhile, in the real economy, or lack thereof...

I don't want to hear anyone else refer to Warren Buffett as America's great economic oracle. Not after Bill Watterson nailed the 2008 auto bailout more than 15 years ago. Every panel of this strip is amazingly prescient, to the point that I question whether this is real. Take it away, Calvin and Hobbes:

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Jumpstart the economy: Legalize weed! Seriously, the federal and state governments could raise revenue and reduce law enforcement and incarceration costs. It took the Great Depression to end prohibition, so the regulation of marijuana would be timely.

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Is China evil? We better hope not -- they own about $2 trillion of our assets now. And that $2 trillion just what's owned by the Chinese government.

Two bits of essential reading on this topic:

1. Forbes' Donald Straszheim opines in "China Buys Wall Street" that we shouldn't worry about Chinese sovereign wealth. It needs to uphold its reputation in the world after all, and if anything it will broaden Wall Street's time horizon. That's a good thing.

2. The Atlantic's James Fallows interviews Gao Xiqing of China Investment Corporation:

The simple truth today is that your economy is built on the global economy. And it’s built on the support, the gratuitous support, of a lot of countries. So why don’t you come over and … I won’t say kowtow [with a laugh], but at least, be nice to the countries that lend you money.

Talk to the Chinese! Talk to the Middle Easterners! And pull your troops back! Take the troops back, demobilize many of the troops, so that you can save some money rather than spending $2 billion every day on them. And then tell your people that you need to save, and come out with a long-term, sustainable financial policy.

God, I hate it when foreigners talk sense.

***

Finally, let's talk about cars again.

With some exceptions, buying a new car is like throwing your current and future savings into a volcano. Instant depreciation is an unforgiving bitch. And many if not most new car purchases are utter luxuries, if the tens of millions of cars that were once purchased new in America and now roam other countries' streets are any indication.

Maybe America is figuring this out. Somehow, we're buying one-third fewer new cars than we were a year ago, and yet we still get our asses to work and Sunday School and Honeyhands Thai Massage out on 12 Mile.

So the car companies are freaking. Their business models are predicated on consumers endlessly hankering for new cars that are priced close to their annual incomes. Throw in extended warranties, "rust protection," and the mother lode, financing, and sometimes these companies earn actual profit (if they're not based in Michigan, that is).

But the buyers aren't showing up now. Who besides Hank Paulson is making $25,000 commitments these days?

Leave it to Hyundai's marketing wizards to come up with the feel-good answer: Hyundai Assurance.

Finance or lease any new Hyundai, and if in the next year you lose your income*, we'll let you return it. That's the Hyundai Assurance.

Starting today you can feel good about buying a car, despite these current times. If you find that you cannot make your payment because of a covered life changing event, we'll allow you to return your vehicle and walk away from your loan obligation -- and in most cases we will cover most, if not all of the difference.

This is the equivalent of a 30-day guarantee on a Sham-WOW. It'll seal the deal on a few buying decisions, but hardly anybody will go through the trouble of cashing in. After all, whether or not you get laid off, the city bus doesn't run all the way out to Honeyhands Thai Massage, does it?

This meal is rated T for Teen

Guitar Hero Themed KFC Meal Deal
Originally uploaded by njudahchronicles.com.

Well, I wouldn't feed that mess to a child either.

Localization FAIL

Hey, [people who live in this city]! We're a publicly-traded corporation headquartered very far away, but really we're part of the [your city] community. For example, we love to [activity] at [popular place], just like you locals. And we can't get enough [famous local food item] from [famous shop].

So shop local: Buy our product!

Post Cereals, until recently a division of Kraft Foods, understands how you San Franciscans often refer to your burg as "Frisco" or "San Fran." But to you, it's really "home." Now let's go listen to some Tony Bennett! Barley! Yeah!

Say hey! Glaceau of New York City, itself a division of the Coca-Cola Company of Atlanta, is really comprised of closet Niners fans, so much so that we had to celebrate the start of football season with everybody's favorite 49er, Alex Smith. Number 11 is such a "natural talent," that's he's making more than $8 million this year to play third string! And we ever dressed him up in a Notre Dame outfit to honor your precious John Montana. Say hey!

Don't Go to Prison. You Won't Like the Food.

Today's public service announcement:

Kids, don't let the cops catch you. Your quality of chow will decline.

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But seriously, stayaliveandfree.org. Good idea.

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Related: Citizens of GTA. It's rough out there for the people of Liberty City.

I Guess 100 Beers Weren't Enough

Bye-bye Bennigan's, closing all 300 stores.

Even post-modernism couldn't save them.