rangelife

Barack Obama Would Let Hitler Do It Again

Did Bush just conflate Barack Obama with a Hitler appeaser... in Israel?

Yes, he did.

Oh golly.

How savage and desperate are our times when Chris Matthews is the voice of sanity?

I Changed My Mind Again

Fairbanks, WHAT? MC Gravella Hellacopta in this hiz-ouse!

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Earlier: I changed my mind.

Barack Obama Lacks the Guts to Out-Retard Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton, I congratulate you on finally unveiling the winning strategy that you were saving for when you needed it most. This is your super-secret power combo move. And it's a beauty: You're not just assuming Americans are stupid, but also that they're bitter and distrustful of smart people.

The gambit: Pick a gut issue, and then denounce every learned person who calls bullshit. It worked for Bush Sr. in '88 when he asked Americans to look deep in their hearts and ponder "What problem does Mike Dukakis have with the Pledge of Allegiance anyway?" It worked for Dubya in '00 and '04 when he said... well, pretty much everything.

So why not steal from McCain (who stole from Dole) on this gas tax holiday? And then when every economist in the world says it won't do anything except increase oil company profits, go all Colbert on those nerds:

Clinton Dismisses "Elite" Economists on Gas Tax Plan

Clinton raised questions about Obama's ability to connect with working-class Americans while dismissing economists who have said her plan to suspend gas taxes over the summer would do little good.

"I'm not going to put my lot in with economists," Clinton said when asked to name an economist who backed her proposal.

"We've got to get out of this mind-set where somehow elite opinion is always on the side of doing things that really disadvantage the vast majority of Americans," said Clinton.

The cynicism is breathtaking. "How can Obama connect with ordinary Americans when he won't lie to them like I will?"

Hillary's always had this in her. Remember 2005, when she sponsored -- not just supported, but sponsored -- a bill that would make desecrating an American flag a federal crime?  And Hillary knows Barack Obama doesn't have the stomach to play this game.

Well, Barack, I've got your back. And so in order to keep up with the Idiocracy Express, I recommend you take on the following policy positions with great urgency:

• Replace the Smithsonian Museum of Natural Science with the No-Reading Museum of God's Six-Day Creation
• Define marriage as one man and one woman, except on Indian Reservations, which will now be renamed "Homo Blackjack Camps"
• Move election day to Thursday so coverage of returns don't interfere with Dancing with the Stars
• Four-day workweek and free ice cream for everyone
• What the hell, set the price of gas to $0.05/gallon. Shit, make it free. Sure, some smart people might predict utter devastation, but what have they ever done for America?

Barack, you thought you could win with honesty and integrity. Sucker.

I'm MADD about GTA4!!!

Question: Mothers Against Drunk Driving is demanding that Take Two slap an AO rating on Grand Theft Auto IV because players can:

a. Execute police officers
b. Bang and then stab hookers
c. Carjack and then run over soccer dads
d. Drive drunk

But at least there's no explicit sex in this one.

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We should all be damn glad that the press has had the stones to call bullshit on McCain's and Hillary's gas-tax-holiday plan (which they themselves stole from Bob Dole).

Friedman's take ("Dumb As We Wanna Be" -- way to paraphrase 2 Live Crew, Tommy boy!) was best:

This is not an energy policy. This is money laundering: we borrow money from China and ship it to Saudi Arabia and take a little cut for ourselves as it goes through our gas tanks.

The McCain-Clinton gas holiday proposal is a perfect example of what energy expert Peter Schwartz of Global Business Network describes as the true American energy policy today: “Maximize demand, minimize supply and buy the rest from the people who hate us the most.”

And what's this? A politician is airing an ad about not cutting taxes? Dogs and cats living together!

Yeah, that's nice. But where is his flag pin?

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Now if you'll excuse me, my GTA4 arrived in the mail today. After I play for a while, I'm going to plant some flowers, volunteer at a leper shelter, and then maybe feed an adorable kitten.

Self-Immolation on KGO, 810AM

Some genius who sounds exactly like me quoted my last post almost word-for-word on the Ronn Owens show on KGO this morning. It left Mr. Owens a-gigglin'. Although maybe he was laughing at the soft-headed absurdity of the point. Yeah, that was probably it.

One person heard it. But now you can hear it too.

** The Ronn Owens Show: "Who can't close the deal?" (AAC format, 1:36)

By the way, Ronn Owens' show is so smart and thoughtful, it almost makes a 101 commute tolerable.

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Elsewhere:

Sark abolishes feudalism. Yes, feudalism. Yesterday, they did abolished it. Feudalism, that is.

I Can Has Job?

Penis theft panic

AdamRiff: The best of what?

Phlogging the Texas Polygamist Raid

Brazilian priest ties himself to balloons, flies away, probably forever

Obama & Fitch, and Hillary Can't Win

Interesting night in Pennsyltucky, eh?

First, CNN: Do we still need to see Huckabee's delegate count? What about Mike Gravel's 2,700 lunatic votes?

Second, Obama: Great speech in Indiana, but did you need all three Abercrombie & Fitch triplets behind you? Who dresses like that?

Third, consider Hillary Clinton's situation. She:

• Is the most famous woman in America
• Has the only Democratic president elected in the last three decades campaigning every day for her
• Has been presumed the next president for the last three years

And yet, she can't wrap up the Democratic nomination over a man who nobody heard of four years ago. She's lost more states to him than she's won. In Ohio and Pennsylvania, two states dominated by older, grumpy, white Catholics, she doesn't win by the 20%-30% she should, but only 10%. And her campaign's ledger looks like Bear Stearns' subprime CDO portfolio.

And people say Obama can't close the deal?

Why is Hillary still running, when she performs so poorly against expectations? Simply, she has been running for president for eight years. She has one brutal endgame -- destroy her opponent with innuendo, alienate his supporters, then lay such utter waste to John McCain that enough Obama voters are sufficiently terrified to hold their noses and rally back to her.

Why quit an eight-year quest when such an endgame is still remotely in reach? So on we go. In the words of Liz Lemon, Blurgh.

Weekend Head Cheese

Three questions that George Stephanopolous forgot to ask at Wednesday night's debate:

• Do you think that Disney should already be writing High School Musical 4, when part 3 is still in production?
• Should the NFL have taken harsher punishment against the New England Patriots for Spygate?
• Does anyone really think I should be moderating this critical debate when I owe the entirety of my career to one of your spouses?

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I spotted this multimedia collage across the street from the Mint. I call it 1944.

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Karl Lagerfeld appears in GTA4. And Ricky Gervais, too. I have this game on pre-order, mofos. It may be the last thing I ever buy. Highest possible review score from OXM.

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Speaking of reviews, the new Pacino thrilla 88 Minutes is scoring a 12/100 on Metacritic. That ranks it lower than Tom Green's Freddy Got Fingered.

Christ, what was Pacino's last good movie? The Insider? I keep expecting Pacino and DeNiro to reunite for a movie adaptation of Falcon Crest or some Laser Cats thing.

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John Edwards was phenomenal on Colbert last night. Jet skis for everyone!

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"It's the incorrect context, stupid."

OK, let's fix this once and for all. From Reuters this morning:

It's still 'the economy, stupid' in Pennsylvania

In 1992, Bill Clinton used the phrase "it's the economy, stupid" to win the White House amid a recession. Sixteen years later, his wife Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are fighting for the Democratic presidential nomination by promising relief from more hard times.

No no no no no. I'm going to kill myself if I ever read this again.

"It's the economy, stupid" was not a Clinton campaign slogan. The phrase was one of James Carville's tenets for keeping the campaign on message, as seen in the documentary The War Room. Pinned to the wall was:

Change vs. more of the same
It's the economy, stupid
Don't forget healthcare

***

Here's how Carville would write those for the Hillary '08 campaign:

More of the same vs. more of the other same
It's my turn, assholes
Please forget Hillarycare

And for McCain:

Sunnis vs. Al Qaeda (what?)
Five years in captivity, stupid
Don't forget Bush hates me

***

Punks and Rockabillies vs. Emos. With violence. Mexico-style.

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A picture of a package on the package? That's the Droste Effect, my friend.

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And praise to you. Have a happy matzo-filled weekend.

That Gassy Stink

You smell that?

McCain Proposes Suspending Gas Taxes

McCain urged Congress to institute a "gas-tax holiday" by suspending the 18.4 cent federal gas tax and 24.4 cent diesel tax from Memorial Day to Labor Day. He also renewed his call for the United States to stop adding to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve and thus lessen to some extent the worldwide demand for oil.

Combined, he said, the two proposals would reduce gas prices, which would have a trickle-down effect, and "help to spread relief across the American economy."

Right. A tax "holiday." And the day after Labor Day the gas tax would be magically reinstated without protest. Also, all the revenue the tax would have raised will be offset by prudent federal spending cuts.

Gosh. This smells so... familiar.

April 27, 1996:

Dole Urges Gas Tax Repeal

Senator Bob Dole today called for the repeal of a 4.3-cent gas tax that a Democratic Congress passed in 1993 as part of President Clinton's plan to reduce the budget deficit.

Senator Dole, who has made deficit reduction a cornerstone of his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination, did not suggest a way of making up the estimated $4.8 billion a repeal would cost.

Mr. Dole, the Senate majority leader, made the proposal in a letter to the President that was released late today. The Kansas Republican, who has supported three gas tax increases over the last 15 years, said he was calling for the repeal to offset the costs to motorists of gas prices that could reach $1.31 a gallon this summer, the highest since 1991.

The Dole initiative, which his aides said would be a theme in a campaign speech the Senator is scheduled to make on Saturday night at a Republican dinner in Indianapolis, created some confusion among his Senate staff and campaign aides about exactly what he had in mind.

I Changed My Mind

John McCain for President

A Religious Lesson, Digby Chicken Caesar, and Ellen Page's Peach Fuzz

Good Friday, to my Christian people. This is day when the Romans crucified Jesus, which is why Christians call it Good Friday. You know, like calling a bald guy "Curly" or a giant guy "Tiny." It's ironic fun.

That was today's religious lesson from a guy who's been to about eight Christian services in his lifetime.

One of those religious services was an Episcopalian Sunday in West-by-God Virginia, circa 1994. And my hosts to that service was a Republican family -- mom was running for Congress, while daughter (my college buddy) had been proudly flying the GOP flag on a sick-in-the-head campus that made Berkeley look like BYU. In some sense, I didn't blame this family for its Republicanism. In W.V., after all, the Democratic party is dominated by reformed KKKers, carpetbaggers, and corrupt mining barons. Hell, I'd be a Republican there.

But I raise this story, not just because the aforementioned college buddy has recently had the good taste to relocate to the Bay Area, but because she has decided to swallow the Bay experience whole and endorse Barack Obama, much to her own disbelief. Go, Rox, go.

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If you get BBC America, thou shalt Tivo the Season 2 premiere of That Mitchell & Webb Look tonight. America's best TV critic profiled the show this morning, and I couldn't agree more. It's the cleverest sketch program since Mr. Show.

Por ejemplo:

And that's Numberwang!

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While not as brilliant an observation as, say, AdamRiff's official font of shitty comedies, you gotta love the Hollywood protocol of listing actors' names in contractual order, no matter how the promos or posters are designed.

Por ejemplo:

Who knew Ellen Page could grow such an impressive mustache at her age?

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Speaking of Ellen Page, people keep asking me what I thought of Juno. Well, I haven't wanted to see it. Because I saw Hard Candy. When you're grinding up a guy's nuts in the garbage disposal one minute, you don't just leap to heart-warming hipster ha-has the next.

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The Assimilated Negro vs. Stuff White People Like

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Yo I need a pet lion

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And a happy Easter to everyone! This is the day when Christians commemorate Jesus coming back from the dead by... shit, something with a bunny and pink eggs and yellow marshmallows. I don't know. Hey, March Madness!