Fantasy Debate 2008

Voters, and ladies and gentlemen of the world press, welcome to Everett Middle School in beautiful San Francisco, California, for the Rangelife 2008 fantasy presidential debate. Here is your moderator tonight, your friend Seamus.

(Sarcastic applause from detached hipsters.)

Thank you, so good to see all you attractive citizens here. Tonight's debate features the following men and women, in reverse alphabetical order: Gov. Mitt Romney, Gov. Bill Richardson, Rep. Ron Paul, Sen. Barack Obama, Gov. Mike Huckabee, Mayor Rudolph Guiliani, Vice President Al Gore, Sen. John Edwards, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, General Wesley Clark, and Mayor Michael Bloomberg.  All other candidates may watch on the TV in the lobby. Except you, Tancredo. You're out on the sidewalk.

Here are the rules for tonight's debate. Anyone who violates or attempts to bend these rules will be disqualified and hooked off the stage like some white dude singing soul at the Apollo. Here they are:

• Each candidate will have four minutes to answer each question. Their answer must directly address the question asked, not whatever bullshit question the candidate feels like answering.
• You may not at any point use the phrase, "I'll tell you what I'm not going to do..."
• Following each question, the audience will vote if the candidate answered the question directly and honestly. If a majority votes "No," the candidate must limit their ongoing primary campaigning to Idaho.

Now, here are the questions:

1. The United States is currently pumping 6 billion metric tons of carbon into the atmosphere every year, which is contributing to obvious climate change, including massive Arctic melting and shrinking fresh water supplies. How low do you think America needs to reduce its carbon emissions, and how will you accomplish this?

2. The planet's oceans are dying very quickly. Large fish populations are depleted by 90%, and a vortex of plastic bits twice the size of Texas is swirling around the Pacific and polluting the food chain. What will you do to protect our oceans from overfishing and plastic garbage?

3. The US National Debt recently eclipsed $30,000 per American citizen. Specifically, what spending do you intend to cut to pay this off?

4. Future unfunded liabilities for Social Security and Medicare exceed $150,000 per American citizen. Are we totally fucked or what?

5. Continued US military involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq will cost Americans about $8,000 each over the next decade. Do you think that this is an appropriate level to spend? How do wars in these two countries prevent future terrorism?

6. Does it make sense for America to account for half the world's military spending? Does that make America safer?

7. Do indefinite detentions at Guantanamo make America safer? What will you do with the prisoners there?

8. American taxpayers spend billions of dollars and person-hours every year just trying to file their taxes accurately. Is this good for America, and if not, how do you intend to simplify the system?

9. America badly lags the rest of the industrial world in math and science teaching. What do you intend to do about that?

10. Somewhere between 10 and 12 million foreign nationals have sneaked into our country and live here without any documentation. How serious a national security threat is this, and what do you intend to do about these people?

11. Health care spending currently accounts for one-sixth of our economy, and yet tens of millions have no access to affordable care. How do you intend to rein in costs while increasing access?

12. The Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms because "a well-regulated militia" is "necessary to the security of a free state." Do you believe that this will still be true in 2008, and that our current distribution of firearms supports a well-regulated militia?

13. Finally, quickly name your favorite baseball team. You may only mention one team.

Now I'll open it up to the audience. What else should I have asked? And who else should I have invited?

Comments

[Treehead]

A question for the candidates: Is the collapse of the dollar good or bad for the American people? Why? What measures, if any, do you propose to restore it's value relative to other currencies?

[sfmike]

Oddly enough, I got to have my fantasy debate on a stage in front of City Hall this evening, except there was only one candidate running for mayor (not president). It should be up on my blog "Civic Center" and/or up on You Tube pretty soon, and it turned out to be genuinely amusing.

As for your fantasy debate, dream on. Your questions are brilliant, but they are much too leading (see #10). The best questions are specific like #13, one baseball team, or #3, how do you plan to retire this debt?

[catherine]

Sadly, these things happen in fantasies. We can only dream. I second the question about the dollar.

[Podgers]

Seamus, two questions, sir:

1.) How would you answer these questions?

2.) When are you running for public office?

Thanks. I will wait patiently for your answers.

[seamus]

Podgers, I will run for public office when I can do it without spending 90% of my time asking for money. Which reminds me -- that should have been the 14th question.

I don't know how I'd answer all of them. But I'm sick of the small-picture focus of the people running -- they can come up with a zillion things to spend money on, or a gazillion taxes to cut, but few of them are addressing the massive, intractable imbalances in our country's government and our country's impact on our environment. And the Iraq question is a distraction, used by Dems to attack the GOP's competence, and used by the GOP to attack Dems' commitment to victory. We should be talking about America's global security strategy, not whether troops should be out now, next fall, or never. That's just a drop in the bucket compared with the trillions we're planning to spend on the military.

[seamus]

One other thing -- I'm never as concerned about the dollar as Treehead is. Currencies go up and down, and change the balances within an economy. If anything, a weaker dollar makes American exports -- cars, accounting services, natural resources -- much more competitive.

[Podgers]

Seamus,

I totally agree with your opinions... and we both know that as reasonable as these opinions (and the ideas they contain) may be, they make you totally unelectable.

You're more valuable as a pundit, anyhow.

Podgers