Etiquette Quiz: Pirates II, Dead Man's Boogaloo

Etiquette quiz stolen from real life. Please answer all questions in order.

1. If you're going to a 10pm showing of Pirates II, whom are the least appropriate people to take with you?
a. your favorite hooker and her pimp
b. a dude you met on J-Date who you suspect might be lying about being Jewish
c. a cursed friend who's constantly transforming into a donkey
d. your three kids, aged 8 years, 5 years, and 18 months

Answer: d. Three very young, fidgety, rotten kids.

2. Say you've decided to take your three very young children to the 10pm screening of Pirates II. How should you absolutely not handle the situation?
a. Sit in the nice stadium seats along with all the grown-ups
b. Give the two older boys one soda to share, and then ignore them while they fight over it
c. Hold the toddler in your lap while she cries and babbles, and then let her wander around the theater until she falls down and wails
d. All of the above.

Answer: d. Also, maybe you shouldn't outsource the shushing and "stop kicking the seats" to all the other people sitting near the older boys.

3. Why is it inappropriate to take three small children to a 10pm screening of Pirates II?
a. 200 grownups in the theater spent 10 bucks a piece to hear your boys wrestle over Sprite and your baby chatter like a monkey on meth.
b. The movie is dark and very violent and not intended for little kids. Did you ever think that maybe the "13" in PG-13 stood for something? Maybe you should have taken them to that cartoon about the transsexual cow instead.
c. Um, shouldn't they have been in bed hours ago?
d. All of the above.

Answer: d. Also, screw you for ruining the movie for everyone, and for obviously dooming your children to a lifetime of health and emotional dysfunction, June H. Cleaver.

4. What is the only acceptable reason for bringing three small children to a 10pm screening of Pirates II?
a. You just flew in from Japan, and you all think it's 11am the next day.
b. Grampa's drunk again, and you better get away from the trailer until he passes out.
c. You're hoping someone will kidnap one or two of the little monsters so you can get on Dateline and have a fourth with Stone Phillips.
d. None of the above.

Answer: d. You get a goddamned babysitter.

Comments

[mags]

Ugh. That sucks. I don't understand the reasoning behind bringing kids to the 10 p.m. show either.

So was that damn movie worth all the hype? I did see the first one a few weeks ago, to see if maybe I was missing some level of cinematic brilliance that slipped past me the first time, but couldn't find it.

[Jon]

200 people? Still? Wow.

[seamus]

Mags, about 90 minutes of it was fun. The other 60 -- pretty much every Depp-less scene -- coulda never been made.

Jon, yeah, that movie's got some legs.

[Christopher Null]

You didn't get it: That WAS the babysitter.

[Leftist Southpaw]

Almost as good as the 6 year old sitting in fron of me during DOOM. At least that was in the afternoon, though.

Your rationale for bringing a 6 year old to see DOOM is:

a) Spongebob: The Movie was sold out and this was the movie starting the soonest

b) You let your 6 year old play DOOM at home, so this is probably OK as well

c) Your get-rich-quick scheme involves your child perpetrating a school shooting, and then suing a hollywood studio for exposing your child to violence

d) Prepping your child for the release of the "Itchy & Scratchy" movie, which is sure to be the bloodiest ever.

[Christopher Null]

Come on. You had that coming for going to see DOOM in the first place.

[don]

I saw World Trade Center on sunday and at least four couples found it fine to bring their children, all under the age of 5, one of which cried throughout the film that it was "too scary." Fun.