Rangelife's 2008 US Presidential Mock Draft

New, updated post on Nov. 10, 2006.

***

My dear friend MaryAnne, a woman whose first and last name contain four capital letters, every one of them earned, asks:

So, I'm curious - Who's going to be our next president? You called W way before anyone else. I fearfully await your insight.

I appreciate that someone remembers that I "called" W. My friends from frosh year may also remember that I (and others, of course) "called" Bill Clinton back when many of my fellow college Democrats were rallying behind Tom Harkin and Jerry Brown. (In fairness, my prediction of Dubya winning gets an asterisk because he lost the vote and won the ruthless scrum in Florida. But hey, the number of bad-asses on your team counts, and the Bush 2000 team looked a lot like the Laimbeer-Rodman-Mahorn Detroit Pistons.)

Anyway, projecting the next president this far ahead of the election, especially with a highly uncertain midterm election in the way, is a bit like ESPN publishing a 2008 Mock NFL Draft. (Look for Trojans vs. Gators in the 2008 BCS Championship, lest the Trojans get nailed with probation.)

But ESPN would do that shit in a heartbeat. In that context, here's Rangelife's 2008 US Presidential Mock Draft. Are you ready for some white guys?

1. GOP: Sen. John McCain. Upside: Loads of authenticity and personal strength. Personal charisma that reaches across parties and ideologies. The best personal story. Downside: The hard right base hates him for not complying with their strategy to exorcize Satan from the judiciary.

2. DEM: Mark Warner. Upside: Great size and dynamism. Well positioned to take independent voters. Co-founded a little company called Nextel, now the premier sponsor of NASCAR. Dem who can win a Red southern state. Downside: A total of four years in elected office. Not lib-orthodox enough for the Daily Kos crowd. Jaws like a caveman.

3. GOP: Sen. George Allen. Upside: Famous dad. Southern redneck poser wannabe who went native. Bible-thumper. Not bright enough to come up with his own ideas. Sound familiar? Downside: Maybe too racially insensitive even for white Republicans; the guy had a noose collection. Incapable of expressing himself beyond sports metaphors; is America going to be in the mood for another Bush? (Depends if the Dems find another Kerry.)

4. GOP: Gov. Mike Huckabee. Upside: Ordained Baptist  minister who also commutes more death sentences than you might expect. Health nut and marathoner who lost 100 pounds. Marriage nut. And he is -- seriously -- from a place called Hope, Arkansas. Downside: Not powerfully charismatic, more simpering than strong. A devout Baptist in high office is uncomfortable enough for some people; a devout Baptist minister in high office is terrifying.

5 (rising). DEM: Retired Gen. Wesley Clark. Upside: Red-state origins plus military authenticity. Accomplished: Four-star general, NATO Supreme Allied Commander, Europe. Charismatic, energetic, full of ideas (yes, from a Democrat). Has achieved the highest of academic accolades, yet he doesn't yammer at people like they can't speak English. Downside: Developed a rep in 2004 as a waffler for his Iraq position and a lunatic for talking about instellar travel, but he'll fix the flaws; this is a man who understands discipline. A Dem-come-lately making up for lost time by raising money for other Dems and getting in bed with Barbara Boxer. Full disclosure: Clark has already won the Rangelife 2008 endorsement.

6. GOP: Gov. Mitt Romney. Upside: Conservative Republican from Massachusetts. Association with smashingly successful 2002 Winter Olympics. USA! USA! Downside: He's a Mo. Same God as Christianity, but with a whole buncha heresy.

7. GOP: Rudy Giuliani. Upside: Unpopular mayor of NYC who in his last four months became America's greatest leader-hero since FDR. Energetic, authentic, quick on his feet. A crime fighter. Tempting to independents and even Democrats. Downside: Pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, anti-gun, and sporting such a seriously f***ed personal life that it's hard to imagine any Republican south of Newark sending him a check. Probably playing for the wrong program.

8. DEM: Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Upside: Money. Power. And Republicans already assume everybody with a Democratic voter registration drools about her. Downside: Nobody particularly likes her or believes a word she says. She's the Ryan Leaf of this draft.

9. DEM: Gov. Bill Richardson. Upside: Successful governor of a Purple state who wouldn't have to learn foreign policy on the job. Versatile, but would fit better at the Vice President position. Downside: Self-promoter. Physically lumpy and unappealing. And just watch -- the late 2000s will be the years of the Brown Backlash.

10. DEM: Gov. Tom Vilsack. Upside: Born an orphan. Red state Dem. Hasn't accomplished enough to be controversial. Downside: President Vilsack?

Undrafted:
* DEM: Sen. John Kerry: Will declare, but nobody likes him.
* GOP: Sen. Bill Frist: Will declare, but nobody likes him.
* DEM: Sen. Russ Feingold: Suffers from that "Senator Dickhead" thing.
* DEM: Sen. Joe Biden: Suffers from that "Senator Dickhead" thing.
* DEM: Sen. Evan Bayh: Zzzzz.
* GOP: Sen. Sam Brownback: Took $42k from Jack Abramoff. President Brownback?
* DEM: John Edwards: By 2008, he'll have spent more time running for president than actually serving in elected office. He should team up for a reality show with Lamar Alexander.
* DEM: Rep. Dennis Kucinich: Right.
* GOP: Sec. of State Condi Rice: Has a better chance of winning American Idol than a southern primary.
* GOP: Colin Powell: Chickened out in '96.
* Anybody black, Asian, or non-Clinton female: Pathetic but true. Watch out for at least four serious contenders in 2012.
* DEM: Al Gore: It would be like Michael Jordan coming back to the Wizards. Scratch that: It would be like Scottie Pippen coming back to the Blazers.

Commenters: Your thoughts, please.

Comments

[daltron]

damn, yo. my boy seamus has got his learn on.

[mlo]

Whoa. You really ran with that! That was AWESOME!

I have to agree with you in hoping for Wesley Clark. I have come to loathe Hillary (although what about an inter-party, McCain/Clinton ticket?)

I apologize in advance if you get boing-boinged.

[Charlie]

I'd like to see Chuck Hagel in 2008.

[seamus]

Sen. Hagel, what are you doing on Typepad?

See Feingold & Biden above.

[Jai]

Great run-down! Fun to read, but with a lot of insight.

I think Huckabee is a little more charismatic (in a way that appeals to Southerners anyway) than you give him credit for. And Warner a little less so. But other than that, you're spot-on for every one of 'em.

And fwiw, Clark's my man for 2008 too.

[denisdekat]

Hillary is a guaranteed loser, I really hope the Dems have a little more sense than that...

Is she a white guy? - lol

Nice draft BTW, good twist...

[Andy Bones]

I think we'll see current administration playing a joker-card and orchestrating a war so they can say Homer Simpsonesque "can't elect - warring"

[Mike]

We've noticed here that Russ Feingold and Soupy Sales could be father/son.

[minijonb]

Clinton/Gore had an all-star dream team of support staff in 92/96. Until the Dems wise up and hire those guys back... wait, they can't afford 'em anymore. We're screwed.

[jjm]

recent events may have changed this lineup a bit. care to prognosticate further?

[Richard]

Al Gore has been drawing sell out crowds wherever he is speaking and there is a large degree of enthusiasm among the people he is speaking before. If he runs he will get the nomination and 2008 will be a Democratic year. I agree Hillary Clinton is a guranteed loser. She doesn't have a likeable personaility and she doesn't have any core beliefs (aside from her personel ambition). The American people will never elect her President.