That Crime is HILARIOUS!

Shove your sudoku where the sun don't shine. If you seek fun in the morning paper, nothing beats a crime beat writer with a sense of irony.

I'm not just talking about the Bay City News reporter who noted that cops found 250 pot plants in the Mission district "around 4:20 a.m." Sunday morning.

No siree, our local free rag the Examiner has launched its own amusing weekly police blotter. Por ejemplo:

Officers were on routine patrol at Haight and Stanyan streets on Jan. 20 when they spotted a parolee at 2:06 p.m. with whom they decided in the spirit of community policing to have a chat.

The parolee acknowledged he was still on active parole but did not know if any warrants for his arrest had been issued. In a spirit of helpfulness the officers checked for him and found he was presently wanted for a no-bail felony warrant for parole violation. The noble parolee immediately surrendered to our officers and further gave up his personal stash of cocaine powder. This all goes to show us the power of community policing with our officers and criminals working in harmony.

A nice start, but it's got a long way to go to achieve the lofty level of genius of the Arcata Eye police blotter. Arcata, for those unfamliar with the concept, is a far-northern Cali version of Berkeley without the sunshine, and home to the psychedelic Humboldt State U.

The Eye police blotter, authored by Kevin L. Hoover, is simply one of those web creations that deserves to be bookmarked with extreme prejudice. Some recent samples of the form:

1:05 p.m. Loose dogs driven near-insane with desire circled the fuming meat pit in the parking lot of a Samoa Boulevard barbecue house, running among moving cars and periling themselves. While the chef corralled the dogs, police tried to locate the owner and wound up passing the information along to the staff of the Arcata Endeavor.

Christmas Day, 3:49 p.m. A Beverly Drive resident was said to be vomiting continuously and not answering the phone, which would seem difficult to do under those circumstances. The perma-puker was finally contacted, and had recovered.

2:37 p.m.
Two bongoists at Plaza's core
Joined drummers of legend and lore
Who bonked and cavorted
Till throbs were aborted
And they couldn't do that no more

12:09 a.m. A car full of teenagers. What could go wrong?

2:36 p.m. A Union Street resident told a dispatcher of a woman in a long black coat stealing tools from his garage. The matter was assigned to an officer, who called the alleged victim and asked for details. The man yelled at the officer, asking why she didn't know the story, which he wouldn't tell her. He yelled some more, then, exhibiting a stunning grasp of the obvious, declared a "failure to communicate" and hung up.

8:55 p.m. Well, no, they're not going to sell you liquor when your only identification is a credit card in someone else's name.

4:13 a.m. A bearded man appeared at the door of a home in the 2900 block of Jay Street, asking for catsup, barbecue sauce and spices. In an ironic twist, the nocturnal grill enthusiast himself seemed baked, if not fried, and was told to go away.

You get the idea. Spend a while at the Arcata Eye, and you'll wish that COPS would spend a couple weeks taping all the mischief, the brouhahas, and even the shenanigans. At least we can be sure it would be funnier than another season of Reno 911.

Comments

[Ryan Singel]

Yes Arcata has it going on, but the new blotter in the monthly or so new Mission paper (can't remember its name) is pretty great too.