Open Letter to a Landlord

Dear San Francisco Landlord,

As a renter, I know that you're supposed to be my enemy. I've heard the stories, and I've learned that among your lot are some dastardly, soulless bastards, and that doesn't even include the jerkoff management companies that neglect so many SF buildings.

But I also understand that your job can be ugly. Mostly, you have to deal with the gen-pop of this crackpot city, including the wild-eyed acid casualties talking to Space God Jehovah-One, the smelly young hipsters enjoying their "artist" phases, and the angry radicals who displace their latent daddy rage towards "The System" and vote Green. These people can barely wash their armpits in the morning; how the hell are you supposed to trust them to make rent and not permanently disfigure your sullen tenament?

In sum, you'd much rather have good tenants than bad, and I have some good advice on how to do that. You should listen to me on this topic; I'm part of those many, many two-professional-income households that's keeping clear of this retarded home-buying market. (A million bucks for a two-bedroom SOMA seismic-deathtrap condo with paper-thin walls? What do I look like, a blithering imbecile?)

Okay, here we go: eight things you need to do if you want to acquire tenants of solid character who won't further soil your ugly view of humanity.

1. "Available for immediate move-in": Stop that. I'm already paying rent this month. Do you know who's not already paying rent at the time they check out your vacancy? Couch-surfers. Adolescent junior college students. The homeless. The rest of us have to put in 30 days' notice. And paying double-rent feels vaguely like being sodomized with an unripe Dole pineapple. (Trust me on this; that was a bad, bad year in Guam.) So be a little flexible with the move-in/rent-paying date, or some months down the road you'll be painting over the freebase burns in the ceiling.

2. Location, location, lying. The Tenderloin is not "Lower Nob Hill." Nob Hill is rich and boring. The Tenderloin has cool bars and assistant crackwhores and bloodstains on the sidewalk.

Western Addition is not "Cole Valley." The Lower Haight next to the projects is not "Alamo Square." Bayview is not "Noe Valley." 39th and Taraval is not "Inner Sunset/UCSF." Do you think we're not going to look up your hovel on Google Maps (DOUBLE TRUE)?

And do you really think any decent tenant wants a filthy liar for a landlord?

3. The living room does not count as a "bedroom." Neither does the kitchen, bathroom, or that 8'x8' mold lab next to the garage.

4. Take my damn credit report! I have a copy. I'll share it with you. I know you don't know me from Adam Rich, but must you charge me 25 bones and kick my credit in the balls one more time just to get the same printout that I'm about to hand you?

5. Divulge who owns the place. If you're just an "agent," let me know who owns the home I'm about to sleep and keep all my mint 1970s Hustler magazines in. "A kindly woman in Santa Rosa" isn't going to cut it. Whom am I going to call when my ceiling caves in this winter?

6. Don't be a dick about showing it. Rents are climbing a bit, but it's not 1999. Flooz.com isn't paying unemployed North Dakotans $150k to look busy for the VCs anymore. And if you want someone who's able to hold down a job as a tenant, maybe you shouldn't only show it at 2pm Tuesday, unless you want to meet strippers.

7. Take a useful picture. You guys are really bad at this. These are examples from four different ads currently on Craigslist, and I didn't include all the pics of pink toilets.

Oh look! A carpet! A cabinet! It's a carnival of neutral colors and ordinary things. (P.S., you don't have to mention that your unit comes with a refrigerator, or a floor or front door either.)

Okay, landlord, I've now armed with you all the tools you need to attract the best, most reliable people to inhabit your meager slums. Since you're never going to replace that carpet that still has Janis Joplin's VD living in it, or fix that bathroom door that won't close because of the 47 layers of white paint, hopefully these tips will bring in quality people who will ease your hatred for the non-homeowning population of Earth.

Happy New Year,

seamus

Comments

[mags]

Oh man, as someone who is in the process of moving, I can totally vouch for #3. The first place I looked at advertised as a one bedroom, but the actual "room" was about three feet wide. Ridiculous!

[denisdekat]

I kill my landlord, I kill my landlord!

[greg Dewar]

right on! well said and very good advice!

[cedichou]

Seamus: you cannot seriously think of leaving the sunset. Come on, don't you want to be there when The Chosen One will visit, anytime soon now?

[catherine]

Excellent rant! I had a landlord ask not only for a credit report and fee, but a copy of three of my last pay stubs and a copy of my most three recent bank statements!!

Can you say invasion of privacy?

[stuffonfire]

"Firing your landlord" is the best reason to buy one of those retarded seismic deathrap million dollar condos in SOMA. Though you're mostly talking about the fun of finding a new rental property, the real fun is when you move out, and landlords a) keep all of your money or b) keep most of your money. Frankly, I've never had a rental transaction where I wasn't somehow screwed over for amounts ranging from the trivial ($50) to the obscene ($3000) by the landlord after giving notice, no matter how friendly things start at the beginning of the tenancy. You know, 'cause it costs $400 to clean a bathroom. Right.

The last apartment before I bought was the worst, and I've actually gotta sue the bastard to get my security back. Insane.

The real estate market here in the city is disgusting, totally full of lies, whether it's rental or purchase. I'm just glad to be done with moving and actively participating in it for at least a few years.

[seamus]

Mags: Word.

Denis: Are you quoting Eddit Murphy, "Prose and Cons," 1983?

Greg: Thank you.

Ced: I've given up waiting for the rapture.

Catherine: Yes! Also, can you say "Data security risk"? I never give my bank account number, and I've never been denied an apartment as a result.

[fiat lux]

Moving to San Mateo meant giving up the comfortable illusion that I was a 'cool' urban dweller, but in reality, I'm paying the same amount of rent for a much nicer apartment, with a pool and on-site concierge service. Plus getting to SF from here is not all that much longer a trip than the ride on the N-Judah from 48th Avenue.