"Republicans, I'm starting to pity you. You have the governor and NYC mayor, and your national agenda isn't worth shit here.
"I read that Jeanine Pirro quit the race. Republicans: What kind of weak shit is that? The best candidate you can dig up in the whole freakin' state was a suburban DA with a husband with a rap sheet? I know you guys have been hard into spreading your southern strategy into Ohio and Pennsylvania, but did you really think people in New York were that dumb?
"Ha ha ha. Heh, I just remembered your big friggin' launch event for Pirro, the extravaganza press conference that was going to introduce the whole Empire State to this collagen-lipped nothing from the rich burbs. Ha ha ha HA HA (cough, cough) HA ha. Oh boy.
"Okay, sorry, I can't control myself whenever I think about that. I mean, your girl got out there and lost a page in the middle of her first big attack on me. She bombed in front of national press in her 'My name is...' speech.
"And my party had nothing to do with it! As Carville would say, 'Any team can come from behind. But it's real hard to come back from fumbling the kickoff.' Or some ridiculous crap like that.
"And now that I've vanquished the sacrificial virgin, you're getting someone else ready. And trust me, I know he only has to look less pathetic than she did. Who are you putting up? What'ya got?
"Ed Koch? Isn't he still a Democrat? Oh, Ed Cox! Who's that? Son-in-law of Nixon? Nixons are not dynasty material. Bring it.
"Are you serious? The former mayor of Yonkers? John Spencer? Didn't he just die? I didn't like him after he ditched the Blues Exposion for that other band his wife is in. Have you heard Russell Simins' solo work? No, not Russell Simmons. Russell Simins, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion's former drummer. Anyway, it's pretty sweet.
"Sorry, I get distracted, I'm so bored about this non-election scheduled for next November. I almost feel bad about it; it just seems so anti-democratic. Like something Republicans would do."
"Ha, ha, just kidding. I like you Republicans now. Now, would you like to help me criminalize flag-burning in New York? I'll even let you call it the Pirro Law."