I Heart Pat Robertson

Pat Robertson is a national treasure. When he's not calling for the assassination of foreign leaders, he's crediting God with punishing America because we're just so damn gay.

In fact, according to dear Pat, the Big Man Upstairs is absolutely obsessed with Ellen Degeneres, this time sending Hurricane Katrina to punish New Orleans for spawning a popular lesbian Emmys host: (link)

“By choosing an avowed lesbian for this national event, these Hollywood elites have clearly invited God’s wrath. Is it any surprise that the Almighty chose to strike at Miss Degeneres’ hometown?”

We can only presume that Alabama and Mississippi are also hotbeds of sodomy and lesbianism as well.

And what about the last time Ellen hosted the Emmys in 2001? Um, perhaps you remember a little thing called "9/11"? Take it away, Pat:

“This is the second time in a row that God has invoked a disaster shortly before lesbian Ellen Degeneres hosted the Emmy Awards. America is waiting for her to apologize for the death and destruction that her sexual deviance has brought onto this great nation.”

Wow! Here I was naively believing that Al Qaeda and Osama Bin Laden had attacked America over our Middle East policy, when it was God who actually attacked America because that lady on TV digs chicks. Pat Robertson must have strongly opposed the war in Afghanistan, right? That money and those lives obviously would have been better spent rounding up the homos.

Also, Pat noted that the debut of Ellen's talk show coincided with the Sunni and foreign insurgency gaining a foothold in Iraq.

“Now we know why things took a turn for the worse,” he explained.

Again, we all should thank Pat for helping us understand this. I had just assumed that centuries of tribal tensions among sects of Islam combined with American occupation to lead to an impending civil war. In fact, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is merely God's angel of vengeance, slaughtering Iraqi Shi'ites by the hundreds because today Ellen welcomes Kelly Monaco.

And God's not only pissed about Ellen! Oh, no siree! He's also incredibly concerned about the quality of televised awards show in general!

[Robertson] said employees at the Christian Broadcasting Network had put together a list of 283 nominees, presenters, and invited guests at the Emmys known to be of sexually deviant persuasions... “God already allows one awards show to promote the homosexual agenda,” Robertson declared. “But clearly He will not tolerate such sinful behavior to spread beyond the Tonys.”

God's apparently pursuing some kind of Truman Doctrine against homosexuality, containing deviance to awards shows for the stage, but resisting expansion across awards show borders. And here I was thinking that watching four hours of Oscars was punishment enough.

Pat, America owes you a depth debt of gratitude for your fine educational mission. On behalf of all Americans, even the ungrateful black ones imagining racism, I thank you for outing our nation's real enemy: sodomy.

Note: The article about Pat Robertson was good satire.

Comments

[Noisette]

Wow. He is UNBELIEVABLE. Obviously a blithering inane idiot. The scary part is that so many people (some of my old southern relatives among them) donate money hand over fist to that man.

[Brett]

It's "debt of gratitude" not "depth"

sorry to be nitpicky but thought it might be helpful.

that Pat Robertson is still on the air is beyond comprehension.

[seamus]

Thank you, Brett.

[Brett]

btw, the linked to story was a joke/parody http://www.boingboing.net/2005/09/17/pat_robertson_blames.html

Yep, I know. See the "Note" at the end of the post. Thanks -seamus

[dalton]

This has got to be one of the best hoax/parodies of all time. It's just so darn believable, very few people even questioned it.