rangelife

I Changed My Mind Again

Fairbanks, WHAT? MC Gravella Hellacopta in this hiz-ouse!

***

Earlier: I changed my mind.

"Trust"

And by "Trust," they mean..?

(Yes, already submitted to the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks.)

Barack Obama Lacks the Guts to Out-Retard Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton, I congratulate you on finally unveiling the winning strategy that you were saving for when you needed it most. This is your super-secret power combo move. And it's a beauty: You're not just assuming Americans are stupid, but also that they're bitter and distrustful of smart people.

The gambit: Pick a gut issue, and then denounce every learned person who calls bullshit. It worked for Bush Sr. in '88 when he asked Americans to look deep in their hearts and ponder "What problem does Mike Dukakis have with the Pledge of Allegiance anyway?" It worked for Dubya in '00 and '04 when he said... well, pretty much everything.

So why not steal from McCain (who stole from Dole) on this gas tax holiday? And then when every economist in the world says it won't do anything except increase oil company profits, go all Colbert on those nerds:

Clinton Dismisses "Elite" Economists on Gas Tax Plan

Clinton raised questions about Obama's ability to connect with working-class Americans while dismissing economists who have said her plan to suspend gas taxes over the summer would do little good.

"I'm not going to put my lot in with economists," Clinton said when asked to name an economist who backed her proposal.

"We've got to get out of this mind-set where somehow elite opinion is always on the side of doing things that really disadvantage the vast majority of Americans," said Clinton.

The cynicism is breathtaking. "How can Obama connect with ordinary Americans when he won't lie to them like I will?"

Hillary's always had this in her. Remember 2005, when she sponsored -- not just supported, but sponsored -- a bill that would make desecrating an American flag a federal crime?  And Hillary knows Barack Obama doesn't have the stomach to play this game.

Well, Barack, I've got your back. And so in order to keep up with the Idiocracy Express, I recommend you take on the following policy positions with great urgency:

• Replace the Smithsonian Museum of Natural Science with the No-Reading Museum of God's Six-Day Creation
• Define marriage as one man and one woman, except on Indian Reservations, which will now be renamed "Homo Blackjack Camps"
• Move election day to Thursday so coverage of returns don't interfere with Dancing with the Stars
• Four-day workweek and free ice cream for everyone
• What the hell, set the price of gas to $0.05/gallon. Shit, make it free. Sure, some smart people might predict utter devastation, but what have they ever done for America?

Barack, you thought you could win with honesty and integrity. Sucker.

I'm MADD about GTA4!!!

Question: Mothers Against Drunk Driving is demanding that Take Two slap an AO rating on Grand Theft Auto IV because players can:

a. Execute police officers
b. Bang and then stab hookers
c. Carjack and then run over soccer dads
d. Drive drunk

But at least there's no explicit sex in this one.

***

We should all be damn glad that the press has had the stones to call bullshit on McCain's and Hillary's gas-tax-holiday plan (which they themselves stole from Bob Dole).

Friedman's take ("Dumb As We Wanna Be" -- way to paraphrase 2 Live Crew, Tommy boy!) was best:

This is not an energy policy. This is money laundering: we borrow money from China and ship it to Saudi Arabia and take a little cut for ourselves as it goes through our gas tanks.

The McCain-Clinton gas holiday proposal is a perfect example of what energy expert Peter Schwartz of Global Business Network describes as the true American energy policy today: “Maximize demand, minimize supply and buy the rest from the people who hate us the most.”

And what's this? A politician is airing an ad about not cutting taxes? Dogs and cats living together!

Yeah, that's nice. But where is his flag pin?

***

Now if you'll excuse me, my GTA4 arrived in the mail today. After I play for a while, I'm going to plant some flowers, volunteer at a leper shelter, and then maybe feed an adorable kitten.

The Greatest Thing I've Ever Purchased

The man was running the tiniest of garage sales in the Marina -- a table, a chest, a couple knick-knacks. But also this.

He said he bought this beaut off Frank Chu, the legend himself, in a bar a couple years ago. Is it real? I've looked at hundreds of examples on Flickr, and I'm pretty sure this work is authentic. It even still has the tape remnants from where Frank hung his back-of-the-placard ad.

Seven bucks for this lesser-known masterpiece. I will frame it. I will treasure it. Always.

***

For non-locals, read about Frank Chu on Wikipedia.

I Wish the Year 2000 Were Still the Future

"Sound of silver, talk to me
Makes you want to feel like a teenager
Then you remember the feelings of
A real-life emotional teenager
Then you think again"
--LCD Soundsystem, "Sound of Silver," 2007

You ever have one of those moments of hopeless modern ennui when you wonder what the hell you were so moody about when you were a kid? I get that way whenever I read the news.

Well, WTF were we so moody about in the '90s? It was a killer decade. Is it too soon for nostalgia? For Chrissake, all I want is a Shady Lane.

***

OK, let's go back a little further. To elementary school. Reworked Atari box art.

(via Bullshit)

And... Little Brother vs. the Atari 2600

***

Finally, let's bring in the weekend with the best Canadian rap track I've heard... ever. "Fourth Biggest City" by that kid Famous. It's got a fantastic 1994-style vibe. It's the Goodfellas of Canadian rap videos. Worth repeated viewings.

Represent Toronto, Famous! Represent!

Self-Immolation on KGO, 810AM

Some genius who sounds exactly like me quoted my last post almost word-for-word on the Ronn Owens show on KGO this morning. It left Mr. Owens a-gigglin'. Although maybe he was laughing at the soft-headed absurdity of the point. Yeah, that was probably it.

One person heard it. But now you can hear it too.

** The Ronn Owens Show: "Who can't close the deal?" (AAC format, 1:36)

By the way, Ronn Owens' show is so smart and thoughtful, it almost makes a 101 commute tolerable.

***

Elsewhere:

Sark abolishes feudalism. Yes, feudalism. Yesterday, they did abolished it. Feudalism, that is.

I Can Has Job?

Penis theft panic

AdamRiff: The best of what?

Phlogging the Texas Polygamist Raid

Brazilian priest ties himself to balloons, flies away, probably forever

Obama & Fitch, and Hillary Can't Win

Interesting night in Pennsyltucky, eh?

First, CNN: Do we still need to see Huckabee's delegate count? What about Mike Gravel's 2,700 lunatic votes?

Second, Obama: Great speech in Indiana, but did you need all three Abercrombie & Fitch triplets behind you? Who dresses like that?

Third, consider Hillary Clinton's situation. She:

• Is the most famous woman in America
• Has the only Democratic president elected in the last three decades campaigning every day for her
• Has been presumed the next president for the last three years

And yet, she can't wrap up the Democratic nomination over a man who nobody heard of four years ago. She's lost more states to him than she's won. In Ohio and Pennsylvania, two states dominated by older, grumpy, white Catholics, she doesn't win by the 20%-30% she should, but only 10%. And her campaign's ledger looks like Bear Stearns' subprime CDO portfolio.

And people say Obama can't close the deal?

Why is Hillary still running, when she performs so poorly against expectations? Simply, she has been running for president for eight years. She has one brutal endgame -- destroy her opponent with innuendo, alienate his supporters, then lay such utter waste to John McCain that enough Obama voters are sufficiently terrified to hold their noses and rally back to her.

Why quit an eight-year quest when such an endgame is still remotely in reach? So on we go. In the words of Liz Lemon, Blurgh.

Weekend Head Cheese

Three questions that George Stephanopolous forgot to ask at Wednesday night's debate:

• Do you think that Disney should already be writing High School Musical 4, when part 3 is still in production?
• Should the NFL have taken harsher punishment against the New England Patriots for Spygate?
• Does anyone really think I should be moderating this critical debate when I owe the entirety of my career to one of your spouses?

***

I spotted this multimedia collage across the street from the Mint. I call it 1944.

***

Karl Lagerfeld appears in GTA4. And Ricky Gervais, too. I have this game on pre-order, mofos. It may be the last thing I ever buy. Highest possible review score from OXM.

***

Speaking of reviews, the new Pacino thrilla 88 Minutes is scoring a 12/100 on Metacritic. That ranks it lower than Tom Green's Freddy Got Fingered.

Christ, what was Pacino's last good movie? The Insider? I keep expecting Pacino and DeNiro to reunite for a movie adaptation of Falcon Crest or some Laser Cats thing.

***

John Edwards was phenomenal on Colbert last night. Jet skis for everyone!

***

"It's the incorrect context, stupid."

OK, let's fix this once and for all. From Reuters this morning:

It's still 'the economy, stupid' in Pennsylvania

In 1992, Bill Clinton used the phrase "it's the economy, stupid" to win the White House amid a recession. Sixteen years later, his wife Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are fighting for the Democratic presidential nomination by promising relief from more hard times.

No no no no no. I'm going to kill myself if I ever read this again.

"It's the economy, stupid" was not a Clinton campaign slogan. The phrase was one of James Carville's tenets for keeping the campaign on message, as seen in the documentary The War Room. Pinned to the wall was:

Change vs. more of the same
It's the economy, stupid
Don't forget healthcare

***

Here's how Carville would write those for the Hillary '08 campaign:

More of the same vs. more of the other same
It's my turn, assholes
Please forget Hillarycare

And for McCain:

Sunnis vs. Al Qaeda (what?)
Five years in captivity, stupid
Don't forget Bush hates me

***

Punks and Rockabillies vs. Emos. With violence. Mexico-style.

***

A picture of a package on the package? That's the Droste Effect, my friend.

***

And praise to you. Have a happy matzo-filled weekend.

The Great Matzo Shortage of Ought-Eight

(From the Lucky on Sloat Blvd.)

It's that time of year.

No Banana Grape Twinkies. No Mouth Xplosion Snapping Chicken Pizza Pockets. No Claim Jumper Sirloin Quesadilla Pie.

Just mazto. Matzo. Matzo. All carbo pleasure, crumbled to dust.

Wait! What's this? Matzo shortage???

Oh goodie! I guess that'll mean Pink Coconut Sno-Balls! Minty Japanese Pasta-Roni! Cocoa Peanut Butter Spheres Sweetened Crunchy Corn Cereal!

(Sadly, that last one was all too real.)

That Gassy Stink

You smell that?

McCain Proposes Suspending Gas Taxes

McCain urged Congress to institute a "gas-tax holiday" by suspending the 18.4 cent federal gas tax and 24.4 cent diesel tax from Memorial Day to Labor Day. He also renewed his call for the United States to stop adding to the Strategic Petroleum Reserve and thus lessen to some extent the worldwide demand for oil.

Combined, he said, the two proposals would reduce gas prices, which would have a trickle-down effect, and "help to spread relief across the American economy."

Right. A tax "holiday." And the day after Labor Day the gas tax would be magically reinstated without protest. Also, all the revenue the tax would have raised will be offset by prudent federal spending cuts.

Gosh. This smells so... familiar.

April 27, 1996:

Dole Urges Gas Tax Repeal

Senator Bob Dole today called for the repeal of a 4.3-cent gas tax that a Democratic Congress passed in 1993 as part of President Clinton's plan to reduce the budget deficit.

Senator Dole, who has made deficit reduction a cornerstone of his campaign for the Republican Presidential nomination, did not suggest a way of making up the estimated $4.8 billion a repeal would cost.

Mr. Dole, the Senate majority leader, made the proposal in a letter to the President that was released late today. The Kansas Republican, who has supported three gas tax increases over the last 15 years, said he was calling for the repeal to offset the costs to motorists of gas prices that could reach $1.31 a gallon this summer, the highest since 1991.

The Dole initiative, which his aides said would be a theme in a campaign speech the Senator is scheduled to make on Saturday night at a Republican dinner in Indianapolis, created some confusion among his Senate staff and campaign aides about exactly what he had in mind.

Canadian Toddlers Now 33% More Intelligent Than American Toddlers

1.5 yo Canadian = 2 yo American?
Originally uploaded by Spider Monkey.

Supervisor Peskin: Putzalicious

Maybe it's just the joy of working in downtown SF on a gorgeous afternoon, but I'm thinking hizzoner Gavin Newsom deserves a raise after yesterday's Olympic torch relay. It could have been a murderous clusterfuck, but it was merely a wicked fiasco.

No violence, only three arrests, deservedly bad press for China, and they still got the relay done. It's a shame for the spectators and the peaceful protesters who wanted to peep some Olympic Excitement, but running down the Embarcadero would have been ugly.

Excellent work, Gav.

***

Supervisor Aaron Peskin: "Gavin Newsom runs San Francisco the way the premier of China runs his country - secrecy, lies, misinformation, lack of transparency and manipulating the populace. He did it so China can report they had a great torch run."

You stay classy, Peskin.

***

Ronn Owens on KGO this morning:

It amazes me to hear what Aaron Peskin has to say. Reminds me of -- remember the old Chinese proverb: 'Aaron Peskin, what a putz.'

Anyway, good morning, Gavin. Welcome to KGO.

The Mayor:

Well, I can't say what you just said, but amen.

***

And ladies and gentleman, say hello to my household's new rep in Congress, Jackie Speier:

Newly elected Democratic Rep. Jackie Speier of Hillsborough was sworn into Congress this morning and delivered a fiery speech criticizing President Bush's Iraq policy that led some Republicans to boo and walk out of the House chamber...

Speier's 13-year-old daughter, who was watching from the House gallery, asked, "Why are they booing my mom?"

Love her!

***

Joe Klein provides a brilliant quick read in Time about Obama vs. Petraeus:

Obama's question was more diabolical. He was saying, Hey, al-Qaeda's on the run, and Iran is probably more interested in harassing the U.S. military than having another war with Iraq. How much better does the situation need to be for us to leave? He had taken Joe Lieberman's dart and beaten it into a plowshare.

***

Obama slaughtering Clinton in all online metrics. His site is getting twice the Pennsylvania web traffic of Hillary's. But does this mean he'll win the Keystone State? Facebook engagement is a sexy stat, but the third-gen miner in the Appalachian coal belt doesn't really give a shit. Projection: Hillary by 6%.

Via Tiffehr

I Changed My Mind

John McCain for President

A Totally Real Conversation Between the International Olympic Committee and the Chinese Government

Chinese Drone: Thanks for meeting me, Francois. Am I pronouncing that right?

Swiss IOC Official: Yes. Very well. I'm impressed.

Chinese Drone: Let's get down to brass tacks. We've got this torch, and we want to run it all over the world.

Swiss IOC Official: Of course! This is an Olympic tradition stretching back to 2004. You don't want to be the one to break that streak.

Chinese Drone: Yes. And it's also an opportunity to promote China as a virtuous superpower, while glossing over our toxic pollution, social upheaval, repression of human rights, and support of genocide in service of global energy resources.

Swiss IOC Official: While wrapping yourselves in the spirit of global harmony through sport!

Chinese Drone: We're on the same page. So, about this torch.

Swiss IOC Official: OK, I've had some ideas about this.

Chinese Drone: Before you get started, we're doing Paris.

Swiss IOC Official: Ha ha! Great minds...

Chinese Drone: OK, but what about the USA? Please don't say Houston. The Rockets played so much better after Yao went down. Is he the new Patrick Ewing or what? Oops, did I say that out loud?

Swiss IOC Official: Good thing we're not in China right now! Anyschmoo, I've been thinking about the USA, too. San Francisco!

Chinese Drone: San Francisco... Interesting.

Swiss IOC Official: Huge Chinese population, nice weather, international airport that looks like Cthulhu.

Chinese Drone: Yeah, San Francisco! What are the people like there?

Swiss IOC Official: Very nice. The Chinese New Year's Parade is a huge hit there. The locals are very orderly and compliant.

Chinese Drone: Alright! What could possibly go wrong?